Closure

[Spaicer]

We are having Terry's ashes interred on Saturday, it means a trip away & I have to go & collect his ashes from the undertaker (which I'm dreading) he died on 12th January.

It's a very difficult time for me & im very emotional, finding it hard to get through the day at work but what's making it so much worse is people saying, "it's sad but it'll be closure for you" no it won't!!!!

It's not going to be any easier for me after Saturday in fact I think it'll be worse as it's so final, nothing is going to be "closed" Terry is just as loved now as he was on our wedding day and 30 years later when his body couldn't fight anymore, I miss him more each day and he is on my mind constantly, I find it almost offensive when people talk about closure.

Sorry to go on, but I needed to tell someone 

[rajahh]

I agree with you. I have never understood the term closure. It is as if everything has been put in a drawer and the drawer has been shut, possibly even locked.

It is very early days for you , the pain and the bleak times are very much still with you.

Time does help but there is no way time can be hurried along. Sending love  jeannette

[Emz2014]

I think its often said by those who have not lost anyone and they cannot comprehend how it feels, and often saying what they have probably read somewhere, thinking grief is an orderly, tidy, linear, brief process.  When it is anything but!  They probably are also saying it due to their discomfort - people often arent good with feeling uncomfortable when someone else is in pain (which of course doesnt excuse them, but in their way they are trying to say something they think might be comforting)

Try not to take their comments to heart, no-one can take away your love and your loved one.  Take your journey at your own pace, knowing you have support here xx

[Hubby]

I don't think there can be such a thing as 'closure'. You can't say there will be a point sometime where you no longer miss someone you love and who played an important part in your life. They may no longer be physically present but the relationship with them continues in your heart and in your memories. We may get better at coping with the feelings but they will still be there.

I wouldn't dread going to the undertakers. In my, admittedly limited, experience of dealing with them they are pretty good at making you feel at ease. They do have years of experience of dealing with the bereaved after all.

That said the weekend will probably be very hard for you. You will be returning to a place of special significance to yours and Terry's relationship with lots of memories. That is why you have chosen that place as the final resting place for his ashes. It will remind you of the love you shared and happier times which, as we all know, releases all our emotions. It's not 'closure' but it is a major milestone on your journey.

Wishing you strength. 

[Spaicer]

Undertakers were fine as you said, they are very professional as you would expect. Terry is in the boot of my car now as I can't face having him in the house, I'll have to put him in a hold-all tomorrow to take him on a flight, all seems strange but not as upsetting as I thought.

Picked up my "new" ring today made out of our wedding rings & engagement ring. Was worried I'd done the right thing but it's lovely.

Just to get Saturday over with now.... 

[Hubby]

I'm glad I was right about the undertakers. Someone told me on here that the expectation of some event being bad is often worse than the actual reality. Perhaps the weekend won't be as unbearable as you imagine. No doubt there will be tears but, as you said in your reply to my post, tears are good and better off out than in.

Remember the happy times. Those memories are yours forever.

 

[Karena]

 
closure is like one of those business buzz words, banded about and meaningless, or just wrongly used,maybe it applys in a situation where there is doubt over what happened, and refers really to closure of the facts,or where justice is finally achieved in some cases  - but its certainly not closure of grief.


I think although the weekend will be difficult the place will become even more special over time. I have such a place although it wasnt connected to scattering ashes, somewhere we loved and visited as often as we could and planned to move too, sadly never to be, but i avoided going back for a while, then the first time i went i was disapointed -as though i somehow had expected him to walk down the jetty, but since then there is something about the light on the water, and last time i actually felt his presence behind me,there was a dolphin everyone was watching but i just felt someone standing close behind me, too close for it to be a stranger and i didnt turn round because i knew it was him, when the dolphin and the feeling disapeared and i eventually did turn round just as expected there was no-one physically there.

[Hubby]

Hope today wasn't too hard for you. 

[Spaicer]

Thanks Hubby, was horrible tho, broke down at the graveside but managed to curb it after a couple of minutes for the sake of the children. Managed to go back on my own a few hours later and had a good old sob, found myself talking to him haven't done that before. Put a note in with his casket with some photos and wrote a note & told him how heartbroken I was.
My sadness has over whelmed me I just want to get away from here & go home, I've had friends with me all day (until about half an hour ago) but I just want to be on my own & be just me & the kids.
I feel that I never want to come back here, I know that I probably have quite a few years coping somehow as I'm only 50 but there is such a void, people think that I'm a "tough cookie" as I suppose I give that impression of just getting on with things but the sadness seems to have taken over my whole being, is this the price we pay for a happy marriage? It's rubbish....
Sorry for the ramble 

[sue smith]

I don't think we will ever get full closure but perhaps this means the start of another step forward.  I found waiting for Colin's funeral really hard,  found the funeral hard as well - but I did feel the next day I could now deal with the next step.   We have to get each of these steps over with and find a new routine for ourselves and a new way of coping with life.  As a lot of you know it is over 5 years now since I lost Colin so my life has changed from early days in many ways - the only thing that really hasn't changed is that I still miss him every minute.  That will never change but my life has and we have to just give it time to happen.  x

[Hubby]

A good cry is a release of all the feelings that are constantly bubbling away just beneath the surface. They have to come out at sometime and I often find myself doing things that I know will make me cry while alone in the hope that it will stop it creeping up on me when I don't want it to. This is not a successful tactic at present.

I think it was the queen who said "Grief is the price we pay for love" and what a hell of a price it is.

[Spaicer]

It was wonderful to get home yesterday, I feel that I never want to go back to where Terry is buried, it was so hard being in a place where we happy for so long.
I feel bereft, like I'm standing on the outside watching everyone else getting on with their lives while I'm stood still.
I get through the working day, do what I have to at home, look after the kids, walk the dog but I'm completely exhausted I mean absolutely shattered, I have no idea why, I'm sleeping, well about 5 hours a night which is enough, & eating healthily.
I seem to have taken a huge leap backwards 

[sue smith]

I can understand you being so tired.  Grief wears you out even when you think you are coping OK,  it takes so much energy just to get through the days  -  I slept well from day 1 but was still worn out during the day and I am retired so no work.  Just give yourself time and relax whenever you can x

[Hubby]

I'm not surprised your exhausted doing all you do on 5 hours sleep. It's all I can do to get out of bed some days.

The leap backwards is to be expected. We have setbacks and you have just had a very difficult and emotional weekend. Even though it may not seem like it sometimes there will be better days ahead, and more setbacks, and more better days. That's what they tell us anyway.