Hi,
I was in a long distance relationship that started out as a penpal friendship, with a woman living in the USA.
Over time we fell in love. It was complicated though as she was married and had children. She and her husband did not love each other in that way, and he even knew about our friendship, though disapproved of it.
This relationship lasted 11 years. I can honestly tell you, we loved each other like any other married couple would. We shared practically every moment of our lives and would speak every single day. Send gifts, pictures, videos, write letters, text. I watched her kids grow up from afar. We'd laugh and joke, and support each other through hard times in both our lives. We were truly soulmates.
But we never met in person, and it's my fault, because I was too nervous and afraid of meeting her. She wanted to meet and was willing to sacrifice things to do so. But I was too afraid. It's just who I am, I have a truck load of social anxieties going back to childhood. I wish I had not been afraid.
She was ok with this. Otherwise she wouldn't have kept our friendship for 11 years. She was so understanding and patient. Gradually I was getting braver and braver. And she would tell me on numerous occasions how thankful she was for me, and we would tell each other we loved each other almost every single day. It was a relationship of joy. We never had a cross word for each other.
She died of breast cancer, which she had been fighting for a year and a half, at the beginning of January. It happened very suddenly over the course of a week, when things had seemed to be going ok with the treatment and she thought she had years left.
I had been planning to finally, finally gather the courage to meet her this year.
I can't share in the grief of her friends and family because most of them don't know I even exist. I couldn't say a proper goodbye to her. I never got to be by her side when she went. I never got to kiss her or hold her hand. I have been cut off from her life and all aspects of it. And I am left here with the guilt of never having had the courage to meet her or even let her see my face.
I am lost without her. The pain has, at times, been unbearable. I am on anti-depressants and seeing a grief counselor as a result.
And I sometimes think that if there is an afterlife, she won't be able to find me, because we never touched, and she won't know how to find me.
