Lost my mum on Monday

[LauraJayne412]

Hi all, this is new to me but I feel like I need to be able to talk to someone without putting a burden on family.
Plus I am the oldest of 3 children so I feel like I need to be the strong brave one to help my younger brothers through.
My mum was an alcoholic, in and out of hospital over the past 24 months, always liked a drink for as long as I can remember.  This time she came out of hospital and nothing they could do. My mums whole body was shutting down. Last Friday we were sat laughing and chatting and dancing, 72 hours later I watched her take her last breath. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Today is a good day, no tears, but I feel like all I've done is cry and I'm so tired. A part of me feels like she did it to herself and that us 3 kids weren't enough for her to fight it, but then a part of me knows it's an illness and I did everything I physically could over the years to help her stop. She was on 49 years old, no age to go and leave us. I'm 28 and my brothers are 26 and 18. I'm worried about my 18 year old brother, it's exams at college at the moment and I don't want this to affect his future.  I just keep asking myself why. Im also worried that I will go the same way, pr.my brother because weve both turned to drink to help us through. Is it genetic?
Anyway, yeah, that's my story. Sorry for going on.

[Joann]

Welcome, LauraJayne, I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my Mum 7 months ago albeit in different circumstances.
Please feel free to rant, rave, share your feelings. This is a great forum full of caring and supportive people. This is also an online chat where people gather on an evening around 8. Sending you lots and lots of 

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 

That is such a young age to lose your mum :-( .  I lost my dad at 59, and that felt too young.

I have found talking with my younger sister has helped me, so trying to keep communication channels open with your siblings may help them. We all deal with grief our own individual ways, so it can seem difficult and can put strain on relationships for a while.  Be gentle with yourself, it is a painful time

For your worry regarding drink, i dont know iif there is a genetic link, but there is a possibility of a learned behaviour link I guess.  To an extent we learn how to deal with life from our parents.  But you are conscious of it, and you saw the difficulties. I'm sure with exploring other coping mechanisms, including reaching out and talking with others, that will help to avoid it becoming an issue. We are all individual.  And I'm sure many of us have used drink now and again during painful periods

For your youngest brother, does the college offer any counselling services? Just wondering if there is any support he can access there, knowing exams are stressful   

And you never need to apologise for going on, there is no limit to the size of the post and you will find caring listening ears here xx

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forum LauraJayne413. Sorry to hear of your families loss.

You will not know how to feel at the moment as you will still be trying to take in what has happened. If you cannot talk to your family for fear of being a burden you could talk to the Samaritans. I know they helped me during the early days by listening while I unloaded all the things that were going through my head. They still contact me weekly.

You are also worried about your younger brothers exams. If I remember correctly when my daughters were taking their exams they managed to get a family bereavement taken into consideration by the exam board. I think it is discretionary but have a word with his college. If you don't ask you don't get.

Wishing you strength. 

[LauraJayne412]

Thank you all for your kind words.

As for my younger brother the college have been great. Willing to move exams dates where possible to accommodate. 

I think now, more than before me and my 2 siblings will talk. The youngest of us has a different dad and lives about 45 minutes away, where my mum was when she passed. She had a new partner who she was with for a few years but no children and no marriage. He is now making it awkward regarding funeral costs and is looking to access my mums pension to cover it. No one ever budgets to pay for your parents funeral, so money is also a worry for me.

I'm trying to keep busy because when I stop I think. I've gone back to feeling like it hasent happened, almost hard faced without sounding selfish :(

[Emz2014]

Try not to worry and try to take each day as it comes.    xx

[Hubby]

I'm trying to keep busy because when I stop I think. I've gone back to feeling like it hasent happened, almost hard faced without sounding selfish :(

Denial is a common emotion in the early days. I think it is part of our brains way of protecting us while it tries to make sense of what has happened.

[LauraJayne412]

Thank you all. Still hasn't sunk in. I understand it's probably just my defence barriers.