guilt

[paintpot]

Hi, Wondered whether people experience those feelings of guilt.
My husband's father died at the weekend after a long illness. I felt earlier in the day that he was actively dying (I work in palliative care), but we left and went home. In the end he and his two sisters were not there at the end, although his mum was.
I can't stop thinking I should have said or done more, to at least give them more of a warning shot or the option to be there.
I know deep down it was what he would have wanted as he didn't like fuss and you can do the vigil thing and still he could die before u arrive.
But I just can't stop feeling I should or could have done more.

[Emz2014]

Im afraid guilt appears to be a normal step in bereavement.  I certainly had plenty of 'should haves' and 'what ifs'. I'm mostly at peace with them now.  It can take time for us to understand/believe deep down that we are not to blame, but we aren't to blame, we are all human and we all do the best we can at the time with the information available to us at the time.  No-one can predict the future with certainty

Even though you had a feeling it may happen, it wasnt for certain.  I don't think you should blame yourself atall, I think things happen as they should in a way.

Be gentle with yourself, I think its a normal part of loss xx

[Hubby]

As Emz says guilt is a common emotion we feel after a loss. Hindsight is not something we have in real time and we shouldn't blame ourselves for decisions made without the benefit of it.

[paintpot]

Thanks for your responses.

I guess the guilt would not be so strong if I had a more regular job. But working with death and dying all the time, I felt some responsibility to guide them through as I do with other families, although not from a medical capacity.
I guess I want my husband to shout at me, something I may have done, so I am lucky that he does not blame me at the moment. I guess there is time.
But I also know I need to let it go.

[Norma]

Please dont be hard on yourself hun, Working within pallative care and dealing with others families must  be so different to dealing with your own, with others you remain on the outside, impossible to do that with your own, you know yourself that guilt is a natural reaction that we all go through when losing someone close. But must be so hard to even think rationally for you at the moment, youre wanting to take your hubbys pain away by directing his anger towards you.  My heart goes out to you hun xx

 

[longedge]

I know at first hand that dealing with death professionally doesn't prepare you or help in any way when you are personally involved.

I think that at the end, people very often choose their own time. I was always selfish in that I wanted to go first and if things had gone as I wanted, then it would have been with just Chris there. Unfortunately she pipped me at the post.

When my Mum died she waited until there was nobody there and then quietly slipped away. I knew for certain she had done it on purpose and that was what she wanted.

Take comfort in your belief (I'm sure you are right) that your father in law had the end that he wanted.

[paintpot]

Norma I think your comment about anger is very true in many different ways that I had not twigged until you said it.
He was very angry at his dad for the last few months as he felt his dad was giving up. They didn't have lots of medical support, information or advice as we did when my own father died 12 years ago. So I felt upset for them and therefore felt obligated to guide them. But feel that I failed in the most important part of this process.
I remained angry for many years after my own father's death over 12 years ago at the medical profession,  one reason why I went into palliative care.
They are numb, shocked and in that haze of doing the practical things. I guess I feel they have every right to be angry and therefore as part of that profession I feel they should be upset with me for not being there.
 But then longedge I agree with u that people choose how they die and he was a stoical man who didn't like fuss. So my husband feels that it was right for him to have slipped away peacefully with just his wife present. I guess that is what I have to hold onto as this is (in a funny way) not my grief! So thank you for your words of wisdom.

[Karena]

Perhaps because of your job you dismissed or made yourself overide that feeling,When my mum was dying we got a phone call to come in for a meeting with a certain doctor.I knew what it meant and what his role was even though no one said, because I knew the name of the doctor from previous experience,but I couldn't tell anyone else because I might have been wrong,he might have changed jobs so how could I worry people based on that experience.At the same time I wanted to believe  that myself so it was self protection too. Also even though you say its not your grief you knew just how much your husband was going to be hurting and none of us want to watch our loved ones suffer.
When the professional role becomes a personal crisis I don't believe any of us should expect to react  as we would in the professional role,I think that's why surgeons don't operate on their relations nor policemen interview theirs.