Possible trauma?

[Bellonax]

Hello.

I lost my dad a year ago to pancreatic cancer. It was two days before his 66th birthday. Before this I've never lost anyone I truly loved and was close to.

At first I thought I was going through the bereavement process fairly normally - not that the grief lessened, but it was longer and longer periods of time inbetween each "hit".

However, since dad passed away I realised I have become obsessed with death. I am terrified of it - mainly my own but also that of the other people close to me (mum, sister, brother, nephew). I think about it all the time and am constantly watching programmes and reading articles about the type of people who live the longest so I can get tips. I lie awake at night convinced every twinge of pain means I have cancer (which I'm aware, being 31, is not likely).

I don't know whether this is a normal thing following the death of a loved one, or whether my grief has become something else. I am also aware that the way my dad died was very traumatic for me. He was at home for most of it and me and my mum were the main caregivers. We sat with him and washed him and changed his nappy and we were the ones there when he actually died - a horrible event that I think about nearly every day - it wasn't at all how the films portray it, let me tell you.

I suppose my question is: is this obsession and terror something that everyone gets following the death of a loved one, or is this something I should perhaps see a therapist about? Basically, will it pass on its own or do I need help?

It's a horrible situation. I can't enjoy any given moment because all I can think is of how pointless it is and how little time (relatively) I have left.

Any insight would be hugely appreciated.

[Emz2014]

Hi
I think sometimes our society doesnt like grief, its messy, takes a long time and death isnt really talked about, its a bit of a taboo.  Its only when we lose a loved one that we suddenly often realise that grief and the effect lasts much further than the funeral.  If you are steadily moving through emotions at your own pace its ok.

For me, I found the 2nd year of losing my dad brought its own challenges.  My boyfriend who was very close to my dad reacted very much in the way you describe, terrified of dying and any potential illness was always feared to be cancer.  I went the other way, not fearful of death and almost welcoming it if it did (however not suicidal)

Time is helping these feelings ease.  My boyfriend is a little more relaxed that not everything is potentially cancer (we lost dad to cancer of the esophagus)

I think talking through your feelings can help you.  So therapy may help.  And talking with us here may help, it has certainly helped me xx

[Pauline Mc]

Hi

So sorry for the loss of your Dad and the traumatic way in which you lost him.  Unfortunately I don't believe there is a 'normal' way to grieve but there are often similarities of what people feel.  Counselling is definitely an option which could help you put things back into perspective.  I went to CRUSE which did help me.

Often just speaking to people about things helps so keep posting on here and I'm sure you will get back a lot of support.

xxx

[longedge]

Hello Bellonax, I don't think anyone who has lost a loved one and subsequently talked to others in the same position will disagree with me when I say that there is no such thing as normal. The emotions we experience are very wide ranging and leave us bewildered at times. My own experience has been very different after the loss of various loved ones from grandparents, to parents and now Chris, my wife. I have to admit that my current experience has been immeasurably more devastating than anything I've felt in the past but that is just me. I don't belittle or underestimate the pain of anyone going through the grieving process irrespective of who they have lost.

I lost my Mum 16 years ago now and it was hard. I can remember that even after several years I would find myself thinking, "I've not rung Mum for a day or two, I'll do it now" and then realising that I couldn't. Within the family we make sure to talk about her often and reminisce about her. My youngest grandson never knew her but he is getting to do so.

We're human and no two of us are the same in what/when we feel but I'm sure that we all can benefit from being able to talk openly and honestly about what we are feeling. I think that doing so also we help others to see they are not alone and not going round the bend 

[Hubby]

Hi Bellonax.

I've not much to add that hasn't already been said by others I'm afraid other than I am sorry to hear of your loss. As Pauline said CRUSE offer free support and this may help you. You can also get bereavement counselling on the NHS via your GP but be prepared for a long wait.

 

[Bellonax]

Hi,

Thanks for your responses. I suppose even after a year it's still a surprise just how grief can show itself and how long it goes on for.

I considered talking to my family about it, but it's difficult because they're in the same position as me and I'm worried in case I bring up something that's particularly hurtful to them, or -worse- something they hadn't considered.

Thanks also for the advice about the places for counselling. I think it would probably be a good idea to check them out.

Jen xxxx

[Joann]

Hi Jen, am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my Mum 6 months ago and I am dealing with panicky feelings regarding My family but especially my Son. I am constantly worried when he is driving somewhere and I cannot rest unless I know he has arrived safe and that I have heard from my family and know that they are ok. I am guessing that this is a 'normal' part of the grieving process. I have found it helps to talk about it to someone as then you realise you are not going mad!!! There is some excellent people on this forum who support so wonderfully. I also use the online chat on an evening on here, where you can talk about your day or just have a laugh and a joke. The people on there meet you exactly where you are at on any given day and that really helps me.

[sovague]

It is a horrible situation and my heart goes out to anyone suffering from loss. I found for the first few months i would randomly start shaking uncontrollably but this has not happened for a while now. You just have to sit tight and wait for time to do its thing.

[Norma]