Hi LouLou
I lost my Mum in 2019, coming up to Christmas, and lost my Dad in September of 1999. I was 43 and 23 respectively.
I'm not going to tell you how you should feel other than to say what you describe is achingly similar to what I went through and am still going through. I could collapse every time the memories of the day both of them died comes back to me and the slightest thing such as the image of a hospital on tv, or someone having a heart attack, can trigger me.
All I can say at this moment is, that this rawness WILL pass and I PROMISE you I thought I'd never say that. I was a Daddy's girl and loved him so much but when he died even though I was 23 I didn't really understand death and took my lead from my Mum who was SO UNBELIEVABLY BRAVE and stoic. But I miss my Daddy every day.
When my Mum died, I fell to pieces. She had become my whole world. I don't have a family of my own or a partner and I wanted to die too. I lay there for days, I was like a zombie and I had no idea what I'd done to deserve losing both parents at such a young age. I am still angry at friends of mine who still have both.
Bit by bit it has become a little easier but you learn to adjust and accept. The pain doesn't go away but some days are good and some days are awful. Just go with what you feel and give yourself permission to FEEL what YOU want and NEED to.
Do little things she'd want you to do, and keep on talking to her.
I know it doesn't feel like it but this agony will pass. I promise. I never thought I'd get to where I am, I was a MESS, but I absolutely PROMISE you, having lost my best friend in my Mum and Dad - you will be ok. I promise.
And I'm here. Message me anytime. x