Still hard times

[John28]

So like I sort of mentioned in another thread, I too am finding it hard living without my mum. She passed away in February and the funeral was 10 days after.

Struggling most days. Normally I struggle to fall asleep, then have dreams featuring mum which makes me wake up many times throughout the night as it becomes concious dreams where I think she is still alive, wake up, realise she isn't and then it takes ages to go back to sleep again. So throughout the day I just feel extremely tired and worn down.

Now the inheritance is through I guess for the time being i'm just surviving on that. It's difficult with knowing what to do with myself because people say about getting out there, but without there being a purpose to get out of the house (like needing shopping), there's nowhere to go or nothing to do.

I think I have had quite a poor level of support from people that doesn't help either. General family, as I mentioned in another thread were somewhat supportive until the funeral was over, then they get back to their own lives.

I feel really annoyed with 1 family member in particular... My mum's mum (my grandmother). I lived in her house with mum for pretty much 28 years. My grandmother was always the controlling person who because she own's the house, wanted everything on her terms with no compromise. She is very stubborn and would rather the house go to ruin than take my suggestions on board. I only stayed living there as long as I did because I wanted to help as much as possible with mums care.

After mum's death Doctors, nurses, the funeral directors and distant family members told us that as me and my grandmother were closer to mum than anyone else, we have to stick together, support each other and help each other through this hard time.

Even though I would rather have nothing to do with her due to her attempts of having control over everything, I still went to hers every single week since mums death at my own expense with food paid her paid for out of my own money to make sure she was ok and eating fine. She couldn't even be bothered to make 1 phone call to me to ask how i'm doing.

We had the ultimate falling out 3 weeks ago when I last visited her.

As mums only child, I would have spent more time with her since I was born than anyone. I had lots of memories and knew what personal possessions she treasured and what was sentimental to her. I was made executor of the will and my mother put me down as the person she wanted to inherit all of her things.

I made it clear to my grandmother on a previous visit that soon, once I feel ready I wanted to pick out sentimental items, I will pick them out and take those things home with me.

Yet on the visit 3 weeks ago, I found out she had planned with another family member behind my back to take as much of mums stuff to a charity shop a few days later. I explained what I wanted again to her and was totally dismissed. She wasn't prepared to reason with me. So now the items I wanted to keep have no doubt gone to charity by now.

As far as i'm concerned that is the end of me and her now.

I will just have to try and grieve as best I can from now on, alone. When summer comes in I can at least start doing stuff to my garden and perhaps have a few days out.

Originally I was going to see a GP and have time signed off, but I would rather use mums money towards rent and some nice things she would have wanted me to have.

If by any miracle I managed to get ESA, then it would only be for 1 year at tops. So I would rather not be on it now but instead try and go through bereavement as best I can, then if things feel they are getting worse in the future, go on it then after I have at least had a good go on my own to be fit enough to work

[Norma]

Oh dear John im so sorry to have read your post, i cant imagine how you must feel about not having any sentimental keepsake of your mums. I can only imagine your nan has done what shes done through her own grief.

You will find your own way to deal with the loss of your mum, and i know its not the right thing for everyone, but going back to work as soon as possible gives you a focus and something to get up for in the morning, rather than brooding on our loss, this is now your time John so you need to look after you, please keep posting on here to us. Xx

 

[Karena]

Hi John its really difficult to know why your gran is acting this way but as Norma said she is grieving the loss of a child.
Perhaps you could spend some of your mums money creating something for a new kind of memory rather than the things you have lost, you mentioned doing the garden,  you could create a corner dedicated too her, somewhere you can go and sit and be reminded of her but of the good memorys. so her favourite plants or a plant that reminds you of her perfume, maybe a water feature or bird feeder, to bring in the widlife so you will have some company there, a seat even an arbour so you can sit out there in all weathers, somewhere to light a candle for her. I have a corner like that for my husband,creating it occupied me but also helped me focus on his whole life, not just the end of it.I have a plaque there too its not obviousely a memorial plaque but just has a nice verse on that means somethng to me.

[Hubby]

Hi john.

Sorry to hear of your loss and falling out with your grandmother. I think she will be from an age where grief was kept private. I know my mother in law puts on a brave face but cries a lot in her room. That may be the reason she doesn't initiate contact and doesn't want reminders around the house.