I think that's something that struck a chord with me, when you talked about making plans and working for a better future. My mum and I were doing that in our own way gradually. In our case it was more because we would have liked to be able to move to the coast and so that I could work less or not at all, as my mother did not have good health and had lots of hospital appointments I needed to take her to, which was difficult to juggle with work as well. I suppose we were three quarters of the way there when she died. I had managed to switch from full-time to part-time working, which helped, but was still not ideal. We also enjoyed the work and plans that went into all of that and it kept life interesting. We had also found a house to move to and were enjoying holidays there for the time-being, so she had a taste of the life we hoped to build at least.
She was 96 when she passed away, but was always someone who looked forward rather than backwards, even at that age and never stopped making plans right up to the end. She worried about what I would do after she was gone; so did I, once she was. All the official processes that follow wreaked havoc with my life and increased my stress levels ten-fold until, about six months after I lost her, I just hit rock bottom and had to take a week off work, as couldn't bear it anymore and felt close to a breakdown. I think I teetered on the edge of the abyss at that point. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know what to do or what might happen at that point, so despite my state of distress and panic, I realised that I had to do something to stop myself sliding into a pit of despair and one of the things that helped was the plan we had made and been working towards. I had a think about it and although she was gone, the plan itself still made sense, even for me on my own, so I gave it a bit of a rethink and decided which bits were still realistic to do and made a list of what things would need to be done and in what order to make it feasible to go forward with it, as it would still improve my life and my future and so still made sense.
That helped me focus on something other than my loss and my grief and gave me a goal to work towards that in itself, helped me keep my head above water and not slide into the pit that grief can become and which, if you let it, like quicksand, can keep sucking you down until you are lost. A little over three years on, it still stands me in good stead and helps me move forward and to have confidence in the future and in myself. I think she would have approved of all I have continued to achieve up to now and can envisage her looking on with interest! My dad too, come to that. She was always pleased once we managed to move another step forward with our plan and never lost faith in it. So, even plans made for two can still help you, even once you are no longer two and give you purpose and resolve moving forward alone. In a way, it helps that these were plans we made together, as I know she believed in them and wanted them to succeed, so carrying on is something I feel I am doing partly for her still, as she wanted the best for us both and hoped this would work to achieve that and it had started to, so it is still a link with her and something I know she believed in and wanted because it would make life better for us and would still want, as it will make life better for me, even without her. Perhaps once you are a little further along this road, you might find the same.
In regard to your work colleagues, I had a similar experience when I went back to work and more than once, found it so distressing that I dissolved into tears at my desk. Fortunately, I have my own office, so no one really knew, but your colleagues don't have any real understanding of how you are feeling, especially if they have not been through anything similar themselves. I don't think anyone who has never lost someone close can understand how that feels. Loss changes everything. It rips the foundations of your world as you knew it from under you and changes your day to day life, your perceptions of what matters, your personality and your future. You quite literally seem to become someone else over night and you can never go back to being who you were, because loss of a close loved one changes you forever, changes how you see the world and those around you and reshapes your future, whether you like it or not and nothing is ever the same again. That's a lot of change to have to come to terms with on top of the loss and grief you are already trying to learn to cope with. It's not that work colleagues don't care, but more that they cannot understand unless they have been there themselves. It made me more impatient with all their trivial concerns and want to bang their heads together to see that things they thought important were not, in light of the magnitude of the impact of the loss of a loved one, but they will never understand until they have experienced that for themselves, so now I find myself feeling set apart a little from some of them and sharing a link and an empathy with those who have.
I think coming home to an empty house was one of the hardest things to start with. I had been used to coming home to a house with lights on and calling out hello when I came in and then chatting about the day and walking in to see mum sitting in her favourite chair of having a lie down. Suddenly I was coming home to a dark and silent house with no one to talk to and one that, worst of all, felt like there was a void where she was supposed to be. The hole left by someone who you are used to having there is impossible to fill and I still feel it now, though I have grown more used to it - just another element of the new normal that I have had to grow accustomed to. It helped to have flowers around. They lifted my spirits a little and I still talk to my mum and my dad's pictures. I can hear what they would probably reply in my head. It is not the same, but I don't feel they are completely gone, just no longer here in the way that they were. Indeed, at times of trouble, I have found feathers or had a visit from a robin that makes me think they are around at least some of the time and wanting me to know that!
It helps to leave a light on in winter, so there is some light in the house as I approach it and I put the radio on or TV or some music, so that there is some background noise and that helps too. You just have to ease your way into the new situation you find yourself in and do whatever helps to make that more acceptable and easier to cope with. I joined a class in a shared interest I held with my mum. As others who know me here will already know, I decided to learn how to dance! Mum always loved dancing, so I felt in a way, I was doing that for us both and that helped more than anything else. I met some lovely new friends that that I have kept in touch with even in these non-dancing lockdown days! That helps too as we support one another through this horrid time. Perhaps you could think about doing something similar when we come out of this, or even on-line if that is possible. It helps because it makes you think about something else for a few hours a week and takes the focus off grief for an hour or two, because grieving is exhausting and all consuming without a break and having something different to focus on forces you to re-engage with life and gives you something to look forward to and get you out of the house, which is very important. Talking to you and mentioning this reminds me of a Boxing Day dance I went to just over a year after I lost mum. It served as a way of not having to sit indoors missing Christmases gone by. There was a male same sex couple there who were amazing dancers and I was very jealous as was still a beginner then! I'm a little better now, but will have to start again once we are out of lockdown, but that's something to look forward to too.
I suppose what I am trying to explain in my roundabout way, is that you find things that help you as you move forward and rebuild your life anew in a way that helps you recover and that's what you need to do. You reshape your plans and you decide what aspects still work and would have been what the person you have lost would have wanted for you. You maintain those links with them and that helps too. You are physically without them, but their influence and interests continue to remain a part of your life and of who you are, so they are never completely gone from you. Life goes on in a modified form, but still with its links to those you have lost and plans made when they were here to be part of them, are not necessarily things you should or need to abandon once they are gone. Those plans are in themselves a link and accomplishing them would be something they would want for you still and can be something you can do for them to remember them, as well as to improve the remainder of your own life.
It is still early days for you, but you will find a way forward that works for you and I am pretty sure that elements of the life you shared with your loved one will still be a part of that and that is a good thing and something to maintain the link and bolster you up. The negative view you have now of those times you have already remembered did indeed provide fun and pleasure in trying to bring about and still could, even in a modified version and will still be a link to him and to the times you shared.
Find the things that help you and turn to them as and when you need to, and you will slowly realise, you will never need to leave the life you shared behind and indeed cannot. They have shaped the life you have now and will always go on influencing your future and who you are in some way. Those we have loved never stop being part of our lives. Not a day passes without me thinking of them or remembering something and often smiling about that. One day at a time. Stop being hard on yourself and be kind to yourself. Grief is pain enough on its own for anyone. Wishing you well.