Hello Steve,
It's a while since you posted your story and I hope things are gradually improving for you. I don't always get time to reply promptly to a post and the last few months have been very busy in the face of the pandemic, but I have been catching up today with a few of the posts that I missed in the last few months. A few things struck me about your post that I thought I would like to respond to.
Firstly, I am sure this must be an especially difficult time of year for you, as it is for all those of us who are grieving people, so I just wanted to say you are not alone in this. Sending you a hug.
Secondly, you put it well in mentioning the future you have lost. I think this is one of the things we grieve for, but moving forward into that future does not mean you have to leave the person you have loved and lost behind. I have lost several people over the years and the latest was my mum, who passed away in 2017, but I don't feel I have left any of them behind. The times I spent with them may be behind me now, but I have never felt I have left them behind. I carry them with me every day in my heart. I still talk to them most days, which may sound mad, but doesn't feel at all daft! I have pictures of them in the house and I do talk to them and in my heart and my head, I can hear what their replies and advice would probably be. I don't feel at all that I have left them behind. They helped make me who I am, so they are a part of me, so they can never be left behind. I am grateful for every day I had with them, good or bad. The memories people leave you help shape who you are and shape your responses to whatever you experience in your future. Their influence on your life goes on, woven into the tapestry of who you are and you never forget them and not a day goes by that you don't think of them, so, in a way, they remain with you always, not as you would have liked, but they are there, all the time, in your mind and in your heart.
Thirdly, you mention still crying all the time and being unable to dispel the memories of those last days. I found grief overwhelming too especially during those first six months. I don't think I was aware of feeling better at all really for at least eighteen months, but I realised, six months in, that unless I did something about it, grief was going to drag me down into a pit I might not be able to climb out of again, so I knew I had to work at getting better and set about that. It has helped. I looked for little strategies that I could turn to to help me and found them in simple things like walking in the park, where I felt I could sit on a bench to try to absorb all that had happened. The calm and peaceful outlook helped me feel calmer and reminded me that there were still beautiful things in the world. Having flowers around at home helped in a similar way. Their scent raised my spirits a little and helped me feel better. I also found the inscriptions on the benches comforting, showing that those others have lost are not forgotten and at Christmas, you often find people, who still remember those they have lost, leave little bunches of flowers on them, proving that they are not forgotten and their memories are still cherished and they are still loved and missed, even years later. Similarly, visit a cemetery at Christmas and you will find the monuments dressed in tinsel and baubles by family and friends who still want them to be part of their Christmas. You will never see so many flowers or so many people visiting graves of lost loved ones as on Christmas Day. The ones we have loved and lost are never forgotten or left behind.
In terms of dispelling those awful memories of those last days and not letting grief drag you down, I found it helped to revisit places I had been to with them in the past. It helped reawaken memories of happier times we had had together and looking a photos also helped with that, so I put together an album of favorite photos to look at when I was missing them. Both these things may have brought a tear to the eye, but they also put a smile on my face remembering those times and realising what treasure they created for me and they are mine for the rest of my life. A strength and a treasure. You will have your own. You just need to reconnect with them.
Lastly, we all feel guilt that we have let them down. That's a normal reaction I think. Everyone can find something to feel guilty about and goes through the 'what if' process, blaming themselves for having done or not done this or that. The truth is, we do the best we can with the information and the situation we are in at the time. Looking back, we can always find fault, but there is none really. We did what we thought best at the time. We may feel differently about that with hindsight, but in the moment, we don't have the benefit of hindsight. We do the best we can based on the information we have at the time and what we can manage to do under the severest stress and in a huge state of upset. There is no point to go on blaming yourself for anything. You did your best at the time and what happened would have happened anyway.
Once you are a grieving person, some part of you will be a grieving person forever and some days will always be worse than others when something suddenly happens to remind you and takes you back to that moment, but better days do come again and your grief dulls and becomes a part of who you are. It makes you into a different person, and you have to learn to live with the new you and your new normality, but that never means leaving your lost loved one behind. It means finding your way into a new and different future but carrying your lost loved on with you into that future, because you can't do anything else. They are part of who you are and will be with you always and that is how it should be.
You do have a future Steve, not the one you wanted perhaps and it will be a future you will have to work at to make it the best it can be, but you do have a future and riding the grief roller-coaster will have its many ups and downs, but however many bad days there are, there will also be better ones. You may, no, you will have to work at that, but find what helps you and use those things to help prop you up and move you forward. Life is for the living and your lost loved ones would always want the best for you and want you to be happy, so now they are not here to help that happen, it's up to you to do that on their behalf now, in honour of their memory and the legacy of their presence in your life. Be positive, be strong and do the best you can to make your future a good one, for them.
We do understand here. You are not alone. I hope you are doing better now. Sending you an understanding hug and strength.