I already posted about losing my Mum 17th March. Her funeral was Tuesday just gone. I thought I may feel a bit better after the funeral, but I feel much worse. It was the final thing I could do for Mum and now it's over. I feel the need to do it again. Of course people have to go about their daily lives, but I don't like it. People phoned and text me the day after the funeral, but nothing since. My husband isn't good in situations like this and when I cry he gets annoyed and says there's no point to crying as it doesn't change anything. He said I've done the hard part - the funeral, and I should feel better. I'm an only child, my Dad died in 1999 and the family isn't close at all. I feel so alone.
Mum and I were best friends, we loved going round the shops and for lunch. She had wanted to be a Nana for years, but I had problems conceiving. I eventually had a son in Jan 2014. Mum was thrilled and loved him dearly. He was 12 weeks old when she had a major stroke. She lost her speech, swallowing ability and all movement. She was hospitalised for a few months. She was strong, and regained speech, her ability to eat, and to some extent, some movement. But she never walked again. And it left her prone to seizures. She also had a lot of chest infections due to being bed bound. She was terrified of going into a nursing home, so I became her carer. We had recently bought a house, but rented it out and lived with her. She was diagnosed with dementia early 2015. She would get confused and frightened at times, but always knew her grandson. She would often cry because she wasn't able to take him out. It became increasingly hard as my son became more mobile. Mum had s lot of medical equipment and there was very little space, plus I became pregnant again. So in May 2015 we moved into our house. I felt so guilty, and considered bringing her also, but there would've been the issue of space again. I used to walk 50 mins to Mum, but didn't get there every day as I was then taking my son to various groups as he was becoming more active. I continued doing her meals and washing and she had the full home care package. She had a severe episode of seizures not long after we'd moved out and she was in hospital for weeks. Her speech never fully recovered, and her state of mind had deteriorated. She also suffered depression. I was constantly worried about her. She was in and out of hosp with seizures and chest infections. So I tried to get her into an assisted living place but they wouldn't accept her as her care needs were too great and after an assessment social services said she needed to be in a nursing home. So I found one 20 mins walk from us. It was always clean, good food and nice staff. But a couple of times I'd reported Mum having a bad chest which wasn't picked up on and resulted in her being hospitalised. It became near impossible to visit her with my toddler as he just wanted to run around the corridors and would have a tantrum if I tried to keep him in the room, so I used to have to wait for my husband to get home in order to go. He works in West London and often it would be too late to visit her. She only ever had me visit. Her speech was incomprehensible. She would just be laying staring at the wall when I went in. I had my second son Feb and my midwife told me not to go in the home for at least 2 weeks because of risk of infection. It actually took me 3 weeks to recover, so I didn't see her. We had her to our house Mothering Sunday. She met her new grandson. I'm hoping she understood. I noticed her breathing was laboured and my husband told the staff when he accompanied her back to the home. They said they would get their GP to look at her straight away. I got a call Mondsy afternoon saying they'd called an ambulance as she was having trouble breathing. There was no record of my husband talking to them, the GP hadn't been called. She had pneumonia. The home had told the paramedics it had just come about Monday. I told the consultant I'd noticed her breathing Sunday and it could've been going on days as I hadn't been able to visit her. He said what I was saying made much more sense than what the home told them. She was very poorly, on IV fluids, oxygen and 2 types of anti biotic. On the Saturday the consultant said she wasn't improving and it was better to let her go. So I had to agree to them withdrawing the medication and fluids then later the oxygen. She was given morphine, so very drowsy. She died on the Thursday. I was with her. I have so many emotions. I feel so sad for all she went through. I'm angry with the care home for not picking up on it. I regret not being able to have kids earlier so she could've enjoyed them, and they could remember her. I have overwhelming guilt about moving out, not visiting her more and not trying to find a way to make her living with us work. She had gone through so much and come back again and again then suddenly was in hospital and gone in just over a week. I can't believe she's gone. I'm finding it very hard to be smiley and playful for my 2 yr old and cope with my 9 week old. People have told me to get out the house, but the sadness comes over me and I don't want to get upset in public, so have been indoors since last Tuesday. At the funeral people said to keep busy, but that would seem to me that I'm trying not to think about her, and I want to think about her. I want everyone to think about her. I'm so sad.
