Hello. I'm new to this forum. I've sought it out in the hope that I will meet people with whom I can gain advice and understanding.
When i was 10 years old I lost my Grandfather rather suddenly in an accident. He was my only constant in my life, my absolute everything & my attachment with him was and despite him having passed away, still is, the strongest i've ever felt for anyone.
Throughout my life i have experienced relationships within my family, with partners (i am also married) and friends but i have never found an attachment or love remotely close or similarly strong to that i felt/feel with my Grandfather. This has caused me to sink into bouts of low moods where by i have lost the will to get out of bed, wake up, eat, socialise. My body literally shuts down and i do not even realise this until i 'snap' out of 'it'. I have been lucky to have friends who without realising have motivated me out of the darkness when i have fallen off the map.
This year i have experienced issues within my marriage which have driven me and my husband to enter into therapy. Since i have frequented a therapist, i have realised that i need to address this grief. I understand the process of grief....but mine seems impossible. As the years go on and i age, the more painful it is for me. I feel the reason for this is because the older i get and the more experiences i have with people, the more confirmed is the fact that i will never love the way i loved my Grandfather. I will never feel loved, cared for, protected, attached to any one else in the same or even a fraction of the same way i experienced with my Grandfather.
I don't get attached to people and i do not fall in love or feel a deep love where by if my husband left me, it would break me. It wouldn't. It would certainly upset me but it isn't a cause of great anxiety or prospective pain to me. I have children and of course i love them but it is not a comparable love. They are dependant upon me. The loss of my Grandfather has also affected my fears of losing one of them. This has prevented me wanting to leave them out of my care. My anxiety derives from the fact that when i lost my Grandfather, i was not present and this is painful for me. I wish i had been there. I didn't get to say good bye. My husband thinks I am crazy. The way i explain it is: if something were to happen, i prefer to be there and it happen to me too e.g. car crash etc. I underatand that this is irrational.
I am able to write my thoughts but the instant i begin to speak on this subject, i begin to break down uncontrollably and i will cry non stop until i physically and mentally exhaust myself.
The greatest memories or my life were shared with him not because of the moments or experiences we shared but because of the feelings felt and of the bond and tremendous love. However, i am unable to think on these memories without, again, breaking down and exhausting myself. I also feel by doing this i risk entering into a dark low mood.
I have never thought to take my own life. Death is not something i look upon as a solution. I have, however, considered being hypnotised in order to be transported back into a memory with him in order to experience the happiness and be reunited with him.
On Tuesday I will begin therapy on this subject and i am scared. I have spent the passed few days in tears. I have lied to my husband and told him i have developed hay fever and this is why my eyes and puffy and red.
Please, if anyone can relate to what i am experiencing, please share your thoughts.
I am lost.