Complicated Grief - Stuck 25 Years Later

[LilyBella]

Hello. I'm new to this forum. I've sought it out in the hope that I will meet people with whom I can gain advice and understanding.

When i was 10 years old I lost my Grandfather rather suddenly in an accident. He was my only constant in my life, my absolute everything & my attachment with him was and despite him having passed away, still is, the strongest i've ever felt for anyone.

Throughout my life i have experienced relationships within my family, with partners (i am also married) and friends but i have never found an attachment or love remotely close or similarly strong to that i felt/feel with my Grandfather. This has caused me to sink into bouts of low moods where by i have lost the will to get out of bed, wake up, eat, socialise. My body literally shuts down and i do not even realise this until i 'snap' out of 'it'. I have been lucky to have friends who without realising have motivated me out of the darkness when i have fallen off the map.

This year i have experienced issues within my marriage which have driven me and my husband to enter into therapy. Since i have frequented a therapist, i have realised that i need to address this grief. I understand the process of grief....but mine seems impossible. As the years go on and i age, the more painful it is for me. I feel the reason for this is because the older i get and the more experiences i have with people, the more confirmed is the fact that i will never love the way i loved my Grandfather. I will never feel loved, cared for, protected, attached to any one else in the same or even a fraction of the same way i experienced with my Grandfather.

I don't get attached to people and i do not fall in love or feel a deep love where by if my husband left me, it would break me. It wouldn't. It would certainly upset me but it isn't a cause of great anxiety or prospective pain to me. I have children and of course i love them but it is not a comparable love. They are dependant upon me. The loss of my Grandfather has also affected my fears of losing one of them. This has prevented me wanting to leave them out of my care. My anxiety derives from the fact that when i lost my Grandfather, i was not present and this is painful for me. I wish i had been there. I didn't get to say good bye. My husband thinks I am crazy. The way i explain it is: if something were to happen, i prefer to be there and it happen to me too e.g. car crash etc. I underatand that this is irrational.

I am able to write my thoughts but the instant i begin to speak on this subject, i begin to break down uncontrollably and i will cry non stop until i physically and mentally exhaust myself.

The greatest memories or my life were shared with him not because of the moments or experiences we shared but because of the feelings felt and of the bond and tremendous love. However, i am unable to think on these memories without, again, breaking down and exhausting myself. I also feel by doing this i risk entering into a dark low mood.

I have never thought to take my own life. Death is not something i look upon as a solution. I have, however, considered being hypnotised in order to be transported back into a memory with him in order to experience the happiness and be reunited with him.

On Tuesday I will begin therapy on this subject and i am scared. I have spent the passed few days in tears. I have lied to my husband and told him i have developed hay fever and this is why my eyes and puffy and red.

Please, if anyone can relate to what i am experiencing, please share your thoughts.

I am lost.

[Karena]

Hi and welcome.first let me start by saying you are not the first person to come here with a prolonged kind of grief like this.you are right that you need professional help and very brave that you have done something about that.We are not professionals just people also grieving.Your detachment from others is like some kind of defence mechanism because you were so badly hurt if you don't get too close then you can't get hurt like that again and this in turn may well have lead to the bouts of depression.I understand your fears about going for help and often with these things the first few times you go,you may cry all the way through don't worry councillors are used to that.You may come away thinking you feel worse than before or it isn't working but from my experience of grief counselling it is worth going through that in the end and it does get easier.Meanwhile there is something you could Google called continuing bonds.Often the people around you have an expectation that you will stop grieving after a set time,in our culture about a year which is totally unrealistic.Also the older kinds of therapy have the aim of breaking the bond so you will be "cured" continuing bonds explores ways in which you can change that bond but you never have to break it.Meanwhile we are here for as long as you need us if we can help.

[Emz2014]

Losing someone so significant in our lives makes such changes to us and such an impact.  Well done for taking a great step to start therapy.  We are always here if it will help talking things through xx

[Hubby]

Welcome to the forums 

[LilyBella]

Thank you all. I am looking into continuing bonds.
I am glad to have found this forum. It's interesting to hear other people's thoughts, feelings and experiences. It makes me feel that i am not alone nor am i crazy ☺ x

[Norma]

Welcome to the Forum, im sure you will find the support to help you through xx

 

[Joann]

Sending you 

[Soleil]

Hi Lilybela,

I am one of those who had delayed grief for my father. I am now 60 and I was thirteen when he died. It is normal for a young person to delay grief til they are an adult and able to cope.  I finally did it this year after a job loss (also normal when there is a loss that we go through all our previous losses).  Your grief sounds a bit more intense than mine but that does not mean it isn't justified or required for you to heal.

It sounds like your grandfather was a very significant person who influenced you early on.  i think it's a good idea to seek some counselling. You would be surprised how many people will delay grief. Sometimes they are too busy with a career or raising a family and then it pops up.

Good luck 

[LilyBella]

Thanks for your reply and for sharing your experience.
I had my first session of therapy.... i was asked to produce a 'no send' letter but i don't feel comfortable with writing one.
I cried a lot but i left feeling a bit like "how is this going to help me?". I consequently have forgotten all about it....well, i think 'blocked it from my mind' is probably what has happened. So, i have felt fine all week. It is really quite an odd thing. Very hard to describe. I wonder if my mind blocks it out sub conciously but when i have periods of emotional instability in my life, it pops up again?
The real BIG issue for me is this: if i think on it, access the grief in my mind, i feel so mentally exhausted and low that i enter into a 'depression'. If i let it consume me, i will be in trouble. I have two little children and they need a mum who is together and not blubbing constantly. The therapist said in order to get over this, i need to grieve and mourn but as i said above, i can't realiatically do this without it impacting my babies 😯😦😳