Hello Sally
To lose a child is without doubt the worst kind of bereavement. I too am in this awful, awful club. It’s hard for anyone outside to understand how we feel, and equally hard for us to explain how we feel, and the pain we feel.
My son died very unexpectedly 6 months ago, so my emotions are very raw indeed. A few practical things have helped me to smooth the very sharp edges of grief. They may help you too. I’ve read three books, and I’ve referred to them in another post. The Soul Must Go On, Finding Bear, and Grieving Dad. Grieving Dad being by far the best. In fairness, it could just as easily be Grieving Mum, the practical brain training is the same.
I won’t bombard you with other stuff that I’ve done, but initially, when you feel ready, look out for these books. They’ll be others of course, but from personal experience, they’ve each gone some way to help.
I wish you peace & free from further sorrow.