Just over a month ago my friend died. I hadn't seen him for a while and I was cross with him at Christmas because I made him promise that we'd catch up whilst he was back in the UK but it didn't happen and he hadn't returned my message until it was too late. My last thoughts about him when he was alive were pissed-off ones, and I will be forever sad about that.
Just sitting here typing this, I've realised it's impossible to sum him up in words, so for now I'm not going to try. He was my friend, he was always there for me, I could talk to him about anything and now he's gone. There is so much love for him from all his friends and family, but his body hasn't yet been found so we haven't been able to come together for a funeral or memorial. I'm helping to organise a remembrance and fundraising evening this weekend, so we will get a chance to be together but I have been finding it so hard to look through lots of photos and talk about him all week. I thought the raw angry snotty crying, being in total shock bit, was the worst. But I'm now feeling detached from the world and not wanting to engage in anything. I just don't know what to do with all these feelings. If someone said I could spend the next month in bed with the curtains shut, I would jump at it.
Anyway, just going to leave that there so that it's not all completely in my head! Back to trying to be a reasonably functioning adult and parent for a bit...