:hug:That must have come as such a terrible shock and grief even when it is expected some-one will die is one of life most major hurdles and lasts much longer than many people think -it is very early days for you so it will be the most constant and acute pain imaginable. Like Sandra said though your love for your brother and his for you in helping you cope with the things life has thrown at you isn not something that will die because whatever our beliefs about an afterlife are our loved ones live on in our hearts and minds - and i know that isnt the same as having them here besides us but it remsins a comfort in the months and years ahead.
I came here after losing my husband and i was in a vey bad place with other things that had happened just prior too that and imagined that long awaited for afterlife - what it would be like to be together again but it also made me think how short that conversation would be - because we always talked about not just the things we shared together places we loved to go and things we did . but things we wanted to do both together and separately - things he would have enjoyed and i would have watched -but what if i didnt do any of those things - but allowed myself to be swallowed up by pain and grief and just did nothing - what would we talk about then. Would he be angry with me after he faught for his life if i just threw mine away - would that potential meeting in another life be tarnished by that and well yes of course it would -
So very much as you have done i decided i would live my life for him and be his eyes on the world and beome his legacy through my life - and thats what i have tried to do ever since.
It isnt easy -there are so many hurdles in the way - for me social anxiety was one of those -but over time i learned that each step no matter how small, is important even if i went backwards after it because once you have taken a step you know can take another one - i learned also that sometimes there are props you can use - for me a camera and a mission to take a series of photos on a very defined topic - so i had a legitimacy in being somewehere - if anyone was looking which of course they wernt except in my head - and i learned there are dragons you dont need to slay you can just go round them.
Visiting South Africa has been a big part of the new adventures the things we didnt get around too - despite all its problems there is something about it which has rooted itself in me i can get too an airport and on a plane and fly over there and snorkle and surf and see the wildlife - even zip wire a gorge - but i cant walk into a cafe in England and eat alone - but that doesnt matter - i dont need too i dont want too, its some-one elses challenge so i dont need to slay that dragon.
but doing these things and finding myself over time has lead to a feeling that maybe i am not doing these alone - i hated the zip wire it would have been one of those things i definitely sat out on -but on the last leg there was a rainbow in the waterfall right in fron to fme - and it took me back to an early conversation when i saw a picture of one on a travel brochure and said i had always wanted to see that - and he promised me he would make sure i di - yes it wasnt from that angle and yes he wasnt with me the way he should have been but now i wonder if maybe that conversation wont be all about me telling him what i have done but him knowing it because he was by my side in some way i just cant see him - and over here going back to the place we spent our holidays that we were going to retire too and count dolphins is the closest place i feel too him - yet the place i put off going too for the longest time, because that dream would never happen now - and it still wont retiring isnt an option - but i go and i count dolphins and sometimes in a quiet moment on the harbour wall i feel him stand behind me like he used to do.
So make your life his legacy too - no matter how simple that first step is - mine was planting wildflowers in a favourite place whatever yours is once you take it you will keep taking more and sometimes you will fall down but you will get back up.