Hi,
So my journey with bereavement started around 4 years ago, when my mum passed away from secondary breast cancer, before then I'd been one of the 'lucky ones' and made it to 29 (she died 3 days before my 30th birthday) without any knowledge of what it was like to experience someone dying, only the wondering, and it then became very real. My wife was absolutely fantastic and took away a lot of the stress from me with organising things like funerals, something i'd never even considered, and all the choices that comes with them. For weeks i just went about things as if nothing had happened, rang round all the various places to inform them, wrote letters to others, and I started thinking, what on earth is wrong with me, your mum has just died, why are you not upset?! I started getting upset at the fact i wasn't upset then, but one night stood in the shower, bang, hit me like a train, and then i couldn't stop crying.
I still think i buried my head in the sand for years after, but my wifes life long illness started getting worse, and I put all my concentration and effort on her, and at the time I thought it helped a lot with what had happened, but now I realised I was just putting it to one side, but that it would need dealing with at some point.
nearly 4 years on from that event, and my wife sadly lost her battle with her illness, she was my true soulmate, there was no doubting that at all, and in the 17 years i knew her, i cared for her in one way or another for her illness for most of those years, and by the end was doing pretty much everything for her, whilst still working full time, and this meant when it all happened i was absolutely shattered, and didn't really have the energy for anything. I was totally lost, and still am. I've suffered with Social Anxiety all of my life, which has slowly been getting worse over the years, but the one person I could actually talk to properly, without feeling embarrassed or shy, now gone, and that has been so hard for me. One of the things I miss the most is the caring for her and loving her, and also the hospital appointments oddly. I delved deep into the science behind what was going on with her illness, and am proud to say that my efforts rewarded me with another 12 months with her, i ended up becoming so knowledgable about her condition that even in the final days on critical care, the consultants were asking my opinion before doing anything. She wasn't your average person though, the condition in the form she had it, made her totally unique in the world. I always knew my time with her was going to be short, but my oh my i didn't expect this. We were just days from our 10th wedding anniversary, she was desperate to get to it, but just missed it.
Just over 6 months has passed, and life is steadily getting worse, some days you get caught up in the routines, work is busy and your thoughts are elsewhere, but I find as soon as it stops and reality kicks in, it hits you again. People never considered how hard it was to come home, to an empty house. Just after we got married in 2009, we bought a bunny, as a bit of a makeshift child really, we'd tried IVF and it had failed, but my wife had so wanted to be a parent, so we decided to get a pet to fill the gap, and he has been absolutely amazing, he ended up living in the house for the majority of his life, and his cuddles have got me this far, but sadly life caught up with him at 4am yesterday morning, and he passed away too (oddly he died in exactly the same way as my wife, which dragged up a lot of emotions), and now I really feel alone, the house is eerie and so quiet like i've never known. So all the people and animals i've relied on for so many years just to get me from one day to the next are all gone, and now I just feel anxious all the time, and i'm so scared of everything.
I work from home most of the time, so its not often im around other people, but its something I haven't been able to do comfortably for many years, now it seems even more impossible as I haven't got someone by my side. Its got to a stage where I hate going out anywhere. I try to drag myself to some nice gardens for a bit of fresh air and exercise, but feel its more like im testing myself, rather than something pleasurable to do.
Like many of you here (been reading some of your posts), life has become challenging beyond comprehension, and many days I just feel like why do i even want to go on, i'm not particularly benefitting anyone, nor do I have any kind of purpose (especially not since yesterday morning), just living life one day to the next. It is truly horrible. At only 34 i've got such a long way to go, both in work, and likely in life too, and just wonder how long can i live feeling like this, as its killing me, slowly and painfully.