I'm so sorry, Rumar. I suspect you are probably still in shock. A lot has happened in a short space of time and you didn't have time to prepare for it at all. It is still very early days for you and I did much the same after my mother died. There were days when I got up and just sat and cried and thought until I noticed it was getting dark and I hadn't washed or dressed or eaten or drunk anything all day and hadn't even noticed the time passing and so just went back to bed, where I lay awake and cried some more. I suspect we all do that for a while after a loss. The pain and shock and emptiness are so overwhelming we just can't deal with it and we expect the world to stop because the ground has fallen from beneath our own feet and we can't understand how the world around us can just go on as normal.
Unfortunately the processes that the law states must be gone through are beyond our control, but in the end, they really make no difference. The person we loved is still gone and even if they took his body back to the hospital, by then he was no longer present in it. You did not let him down. You have done well to get the funeral organised and done. Responding to the changes that losing him has wrought in your world will take longer.
Loss breaks your heart, changes your life and the way your home feels to you and seems impossible to cope with, but you will cope. It may not feel like it now, but things do get better slowly. It is a long hard journey, but for now, if you can remember to drink and eat something, that will be enough. It is still very early days for you, so I am not surprised to hear that you are not sleeping or going out or that you spend all your time crying. I did too. I think we all do.
If it helps, I did find it helped me to do little things to support myself. I found having flowers around lifted my spirits a little and it helped to get out of the house, if only for a walk in the park. I still find it helps to just sit there and think and try to come to terms with all that has happened. But I found myself sometimes feeling a little better for a while only to slip back into misery again and have to try to find a way to climb back out of the hole grief leaves you in.
Almost two years on, I would not say I am 'over it' - I don't think you ever get over it - but I have learned to accept it and no longer live with those awful memories of my mother's last weeks of illness in the forefront of my mind. You have to remember that those last weeks were only a short time compared to the entire lifetime of the person you have lost, which, from the way you talk about it in your post, sounds as if it comprised a lot of love and happy times for you together. It's that that matters. You did your very best for him at the end and stayed with him and held his hand and when the worst happens, that is all you can do. You did your best for him and he is no longer suffering and is at peace. Now it is for you to try to find peace.
I know that is hard when you have a hole in your heart and your life that he used to fill, but you have to remember that he would still want the best for you and even if you only do it in tiny steps, falling back now and then, slowly you have to find ways to help yourself move forward. For me that began with putting together an album of photos of my mum that I can turn to when I am missing her and remember happier times, and keeping a daily journal of what I was thinking about and how I was feeling. Writing it down helped me to process those thoughts and feelings and get them out of my system somehow. Others put together memory boxes and memory books; some create a little shrine to the memory of their lost loved one in the house or garden and others get a bench placed at a favourite spot they used to visit together, so they can go there to feel close to them and remember them.
Whatever works for you is ok. If you can't face doing anything at the moment, that is ok too. We all make this terrible journey in different ways and at varying paces, but we all have to find ways to help ourselves, because this does not just get better on its own. If you have family, it may help to talk to them. If not, talk to us here. We may not be able to give you a real hug, but we will certainly send you a virtual one, full of understanding and sympathy, Rumar, because we have been where you are now and know how hard it is. But it does get better and you will find ways to carry him forward with you into your future. How can you not, when he remains in your heart and your memories?
Thinking of you.