It is 8 years since my husband died and your post took me right back too those early days of shock and disbelief and fear and all the other things that this journey brings and reading it brought tears to me.
Sandra is right you get through one small step at a a time and some of those steps sometimes feel as though they are backwards ones. keeping a diary either here on the diaries page, or elsewhere does help because when you feel yourself falling back down into the abyss, looking back to a better day reminds you they can exist and looking back to the early ones you realise that even though you think you are not coping any better you see that you are.
But just the act of writing helps clear the fog in your head and if you are anything like me around people, is a way to express emotions that you cant speak out loud to anyone.I found myself writing too him on here in letter form.
Finding this site made a big difference too me getting through, everyone here has lost some-one and every grief is different just as every relationship is there is no "proper" way to grieve, but there are common things we find ourselves experiencing and although we are at different parts of this rocky road people do understand and do want to hold you up when you stumble, and i have stayed so long.,even though i am coping fine now, because others before me did the same to try and help me.
Even though your post made me cry it is rare now,and even though i miss him and sometimes feel lonely life has become worth living again and i do feel he is with me in some way pushing me forward but also moving with me, and in whatever way he is doing that, even if it is just in my head and heart i have never said goodbye and i dont feel i have too -because anyone who touches our lives so deeply will always be part of who we are and who we become.
After he died, I could see no purpose to my life but knowing he fought for his and knowing the things he wanted from his life and the things he loved, i decided my purpose would be to live life for him - and if that moment comes when i can hold his hand again, i can share that with him. if it doesnt then he will have still been instrumental in giving me that purpose just as he did in life.
My own belief is that he is always around me and already shares in the things i do.
The acute and all consuming pain you feel now will get better but you have to be kind too yourself and you have to be patient with yourself and doing that is by no means easy - the one thing i can promise is that in time you can find a strength inside and get through this and when you do you will find he remains in some way whatever your beliefs are, not the part of you that you feel now is forever lost, but a part of you that has changed and shifted, but remains very much a key person in shaping your life.