Hello,
I really need some support and feel as though atm, this is the only place I can turn to...as I mentioned in my last post, I lost my mum when I was 4 years old (am now 23) and am only just coming to terms with the whole thing now. I've cried a little bit over the past few days but what I can't handle is the anger. There's a tight, pulsing ball of it in my chest right now, but my mind can't accept the fact that I'm angry because the anger is directed at my Mum. I know it's not logical but I think 4 year old me was incredibly angry that his Mum had left him without any explanation (the circumstances were that she went into hospital and I never saw her again) - I know as an adult it wasn't her fault, but this huge anger still remains unaddressed and has been inside me all this time. I'm now trying to face it but I'm so afraid of it because my Dad used to get so angry when we were children and that was so scary for me, so now I think anger is a dangerous and terrible thing that shouldn't be expressed. Instead, I've just turned it inwards against myself for the past 20 years and so have suffered with very low self-esteem, exhaustion and am very underweight. Clearly this is affecting me and I need to express it: i felt like I was making progress yesterday as I essentially just gave into the anger and it started coming, but I feel like I will go berserk and that I mustn't let it out in case I hurt someone, but I know I won't...it's just so frustrating because it takes all my strength to keep it down and I'm tired of fighting it. On top of that, I tried to confide in my Dad about how I felt but, understandably, he was upset that I felt that way, which I do get but it does make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do when it's already hard enough to face it. He says things like 'Mum wouldn't want you to feel like that' and 'think how everyone else feels, we've all had to deal with it' when it's still affecting them, I can see it...but people telling me I'm wrong just makes me hide from the anger even more but I can't move forward until I express it and let it out. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I just need to know that it's okay to be angry.
Jake