Grieving partner becoming increasingly distant and withdrawn.

[MStanton]

I’m a first time contributor. Hopefully this post is in the right section of the forum.

Just over a year ago, my partner’s father died in an accident. I was with her family at the hospital when the doctor announced the life support had to be turned off and it remains the most heart-wrenching and numbing experience I’ve encountered to date.

My partner, an only child, idolised her father. He was her best friend, mentor and protector. I knew from the moment he died our relationship would never be the same again. I also knew that as she was and still is the love of my life, I would do everything I could to support her through what was going to be an incredibly difficult time.

For the first six months after his death, my partner was signed off work. During this period, she lost weight - made even more alarming by the fact she was underweight before all this happened – and found it difficult to leave her house, stating it was the only place where she felt ‘Dad was still with her’.

Our relationship inevitably, and understandably, suffered. We cancelled all planned holidays and stopped going out socially. Our physical relationship all but came to a halt but we still held hands and hugged while watching TV which offered mutual comfort.

She tried bereavement counselling on two occasions, but didn’t last more than two sessions with either therapist. I also visited a counsellor so I could try and better understand what she was going through and be a more supportive partner.

My partner returned to work a few months ago, which was a positive step. However, our relationship has deteriorated rapidly since March. When I asked if she still loved me, she stared at me blankly and didn't reply either way, later stating she is unable to express such sentiments because grief has robbed her of any emotion. In her own words, she is barely functioning, worn down by emotional distress and constant lack of sleep. Even saying or texting simple things like “I’m looking forward to seeing you” or “I miss you” are beyond her capability. She acknowledges that we don’t really have a proper relationship any more - at least not in the conventional sense – and constantly expresses surprise I am still with her. I have said on many occasions that I will walk away if that’s what she wants, have always put her needs and feelings first and have tried to do everything in my power to help. Her response has always been to turn the question around and says I should do what is best for me.

Over the last 4-6 weeks – the period around the 1st anniversary of her Dad’s death - things have become even more difficult. Far from time healing, things seem to be getting worse. She still cries every day and is functioning on autopilot most of the time. Additionally, she now appears uncomfortable with any form of physical contact, be it holding hands, hugging etc. Her mood has also changed. She is regularly angry, short tempered and confrontational over the smallest things. As someone who loves her, it is incredibly difficult to deal with.

I recently asked her if she wanted this relationship to survive in the long run. She said yes and that she still considers herself my partner, albeit one who cannot give anything emotionally. If I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel it might make things easier, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I feel selfish, guilty and uncaring writing these words, given the trauma my partner is experiencing, but it is reaching a point where my own well-being is starting to suffer. In short, I don’t know what to do for the best.

In these circumstances, it is hard to ask for advice because every couple’s situation is different and must be addressed on its own merits. However, I would really like to hear from anyone who has gone, or is going, through a similar situation. If nothing else, it might help me better understand what she is going through and help make decisions that are ultimately best for both of us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Emz2014]

Losing someone so close certainly puts strain on close relationships. I know my own was strained after I lost my dad.

Grief is a surprising journey - it takes much longer than we're led to believe.  It certainly changes us.  I know the 2nd year brought its own challenges - i didn't feel like me anymore, often didnt recognise myself or some of my reactions.  I became pretty short tempered, and various things would easily make me angry but it also confused me (things at work would really get to me, it's almost like it was a safer topic to vent feelings I felt - maybe it was frustration, an anger at the loss)  I remember doing things like housework felt like the hardest chore ever, you really question everything and its point after such a loss.  The energy loss is incredible. I did alot of reading/exploring/thinking in the 2nd year trying to make sense of things and find meaning

It can be very conflicting, you want the closeness but after a loss feel so raw you also shy away from it. Can feel pretty numb inside. Its hard to look back and point out exactly the point of change, but some time in the 2nd year I started to find my way again, the 3rd started to feel I was feeling back on my feet again.  You dont get over the loss, you learn to live with it.  The raw pain from the beginning does ease, but there will always be anniversaries/occasions which can bring it to the front (its not a sign of going backwards if it comes and goes)

With grief its a gradual change - often you notice small times between the bad, they slowly grow to having good days between the bad, and so forth. Its not a simple clear cut 'switch', its like learning to find your feet again. Without writing it down as we go its easy to think we haven't progressed as we focus mostly on the current feelings- we forget how much worse it felt at the beginning sometimes.  There'll be stumbles, some periods of rest, but slowly getting better. I personally think thats the key - noticing those subtle improvements, and as long as you're making those gradual improvements you're making your way through bereavement. It is difficult as its also easy to slip into depression or get stuck.

Has your partner tried journalling, to give her an outlet to help her process her feelings in a safe place?  Perhaps once the year anniversary has had some time to settle down explore some counselling again?

From my experience, time is what is needed. My relationship is now stronger than ever - just took time and alot of patience.  Xx

[Karena]

Firstly i would say your partner is lucky to have your patience understanding and love and i,m sure deep down she knows that.

When my husband died I expereienced a feeling that if i let no-one in and therefore loved no-one i couldnt be hurt like this ever again. I even tried to emotionally detach from my adult children and grandchildren  - which of course i couldnt do in reality ,but it is possible this is what she is doing - trying to emotionally and physically detach from you because she is frightened something will happen to you and she will have to go through this again. That doesnt mean she doesnt love you or that she has succeeded in that emotional detachment any more then i did with my kids but  outwardly she appears to be soing it successfully - It makes no sense but grief makes no sense either.

She may also be feeling a guilt she cant express and again one which makes no logical sense,but to her she allowed them to turn off life support -what if he could have survived, why didnt she fight against that decision -what if the doctors were wrong - maybe she feels she gave up on him and therefore its her fault.

There is light at the end of the tunnel but its a very long tunnel and as Emz said longer than most people think - the anniversary will be painful and in a way the second year is no better, because in the first you acknowledge the days that you have to get through which will be particularly tough - the birthdays xmas etc and you get through them any way you can - then in the second you realise you have to get through them again and again - and also because society has this notion that there is a year of mourning then grief reaches some kind of sell by date and switches off - it doesnt but people around you who havnt been through it start to lose patience, they tell you to move on etc etc and that isnt helpful - but it also makes you think you are somehow abnormal - crazy even, and that makes things even worse.

I found by affirming those dates and marking them in some way it helped because you might imagine you can ignore them but you can.
I dont have a headstone or anything along those lines, but i think perhaps that isnt what would work for me because to me they remind us only of some-ones death not of their whole life - so while having somewhere to grieve is important somewhere we can and also think about their life is too, and that could be somewhere they loved or surounded by something they loved -For some people planting a tree in a memorial wood works and for others something more personal - i planted wild daffodills in a favourite spot by the river on his birthday in october, and they are out for the anniversary of his death, That spot is somewhere i can go privately to "talk to him" but also is somewhere we still go for familly picnics in the summer so it is about him but about his life not just his death.She may reject the idea but perhaps that is a seed you could sew, - i once found a aminated letter from daughter to father on top of hill with an amazing view - it was very touching and clearly had been blown from the tree it was under so i fixed it and hung it back on the tree.

Overall you do need to look after yourself in this too and maybe both of you need some space - not in the i,m leaving you sense of that phrase, but maybe you could do something to get yourself out of the house more - not necessarilly down the pub having a laugh with the boys but something that could take you outdoors and maybe over time offer her the opportunity to go with you or not as she choses - photographys perhaps ? so space, not necessarilly from each other but from this great big grief monster that it trying to tear you apart.

I also agree with Emz that writing helps so something you could sugest too her, often we can write what we cant express out loud and writing also helps us to get things into some sort of order - we have to write in order so therefore our thoughts become more ordered and ledd confused and muddled because the emotions caused by grief can leave us feeling like we ae trying to plait fog.

I dont know if you have also considered that she may be suffering from PTSD it isnt unique to returning soliders but to many different traumatic events, so maybe something different to bereavement counselling is an option.

One of the fears we have, and the reasons for failure of counselling under some theorys is the idea we have in our minds that we have to continue to grieve because not doing so is disloyal and saying goodbye to grief is the final goodbye we cant bring ourselves to say to them.
But there is another theory out there called continuing bonds.
The authors, Klass, Silverman, and Nickman, question the dominant theorys which although there are undoubtedly recognisable stages, end in a detachment from the person we’ve lost,and with detachment comes the "cure" - in truth there is no cure for love and the loss of it though death.Under this model, when your loved one dies grief isn’t about working through a linear process that ends with ‘acceptance’ or a ‘new life’, where you have moved on or compartmentalized your loved one’s memory. but when a loved one dies you slowly find ways to adjust and redefine your relationship with that person, allowing for a continued bond 
 This relationship is not unhealthy, for some it comes through cultural belief systems -heaven or ancestral worship, for others it is simply a case of taking them with you - so the picnics by the river,or doing something they loved doing or would have wanted to do, listening through your knowledge of them to what you know they would have said in a given situation,- finding a way to do that could be the breakthrough for you both so certainly might be worth you reading up on it - it made a massive difference to me, realising that where i thought i was losing my mind and not grieving "properly" that was OK to do what i was doing the way i was doing it.