Hello,
my name is Sam and I have decided to join this group cos I think I m getting mental, I dont care too much if I don`t wake up tomorrow, to be honest I dont care about anything right now.
They say, writing all your pain and emotions can help, so here I m.
My partner of 6 years, Jane, has died suddenly a month ago. She was a diabetic, she had many health issues and that weekend when she passed way, she was very physically and mentally worn out. Jane was looking after me cos I had a knee surgery and could hardly move, so everything was down to her. Work, cooking, cleaning, walking dog etc, etc...that weekend she was totally knackered. Also she started to get runny nose and cough too. Plus argument with her daughter about not helping in the house didnt help her at all.
Jane passed away peacefully in her bed. Unfortunately, I wasnt there, I slept in spare bedroom cos of my knee. She was only 48 years old! :-(
And this where all my anger, sadness, helplesness, depression, emptiness, loneliness and mostly that unbearable pain in my heart, all this started.
There is no day, when I dont cry. When I dont question myself why I didnt do that or that.
I hate myself, that I didnt check her sugar more often. I hate myself, that I didnt wake her up to have dinner. But I was so pleased that she finally had some rest in afternoon, that I didnt even dare to wake her up.
I question myself all the time, why I didnt do that, why I didnt do that... I just feel so quilty, that I might have saved her, but I didnt do enough for her.
I m angry with her daughter, that she didnt help enough her mum, when she was ill.
I have been thinking about Jane every single day. I write her texts every day. And I go to see her grave and talk to her there almost every day.
Mentally, I m totally done. I m empty , depressed, sad, angry. I want to go back in time and do so many things. I want to tell her how much I love her, how I adore her and appreciate her! I want to say all those nice words, that I probably didnt say enough to her. I want to change so many things. I just want her back so much. I miss her so much! It is so painful, she is not here with me anymore.
Jane was my rock, my soulmate, my everything. Of course, we had our differencies, she loved her soups on TV, I hated them. I loved sport, Jane was totally antisport..but we somehow clicked and over those years, we grown into each other and we were very good couple. Yes, we had our ups and downs, as any other couple, but we always made up and carried on.
We were happy. We had everything what we needed. We could not afford everything, but we managed ok. We had many plans for future. Finally we booked our first holiday together this year!
And then suddenly, everything stopped. Everything was gone. I have found Jane in morning and my life turned upside down! Life is so not fair! I have lost everything that moment!
I have lost love of my life! I have lost my partner! I have lost a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! And my son lost the best step mum in the world!
Life is so cruel and unfair!
And it looks like I have lost everything. Not just my Jane. I have lost my future.
We lived together over 5 years, but we never got married. We talked about that, I think Jane would love to get married, but we just talk about that and I never actually asked the question. After a while, we thought, whats the point, it is just a piece of paper. We love each other and that`s it. Big mistake. By the law, as a partner I have got no rights. There was no will, everything goes to next to kin, her daughter.
And me, who spent money, time, energy on the house (it was Jane`s house), i m left with nothing and facing being homeless soon.
That`s when I get angry and depressed with myself for not being a proper man and didnt take our relationship to next level, a marriage. Now, me and my son are left with nothing, penniless and will need to start somewhere from scratch again. And I m scared. Very scared to start all over again without my Jane.
I cant stop thinking about her. I cry. I grieve. I want her back so badly. My friends say, I should go to see GP, to get help and pills. They think I m getting mental.
There is still so much I would like to write, but I dont want to be boring.
I know nothing can help me, all depends on me. But it is nice to put all my feelings down here and talk about that.
Losing my partner, is really the worst thing that ever happened to me. I m not sure how I m going to cope with that, how my life is going to be from now. To be honest, I just want to sleep and never wake up ever again. If I still didnt have my son and parents here, I m sure I would call it a day and I would follow my Jane. That's how I feel right now