Hi, this is my first post here, I'm feeling like I need to speak and if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate that.
I lost my mum 6 months ago now and am grieving more than I ever have done, I don't normally express my emotions much and certainly didn't in the past, but it all seems to be getting too much now,
I've also been doing some fairly stupid things since my mum went and I'm trying to understand the fact that I've changed a bit since and not for the better,
At the time my mum was in her final stages of cancer me and my long term girlfriend (we lived together) were trying to come to terms that we couldn't work and should break up, this was mutual although very sad, anyway she stuck by me as much as she could after my mum died, but we always felt we never loved each other enough,
I had a pre arranged trip to thailand coming up that I decided to still go on, big mistake, as I then started really grieving and ws crying most days, I then ended up getting with another woman (no sex but still being ungaithfull) my girlfriend found out nd I was kicked out of my home upon my return, to live with my dad,
I couldn't explain to anyone let alone myself why I was so weak and tempted by another woman, but I knew it was wrong, anyway after a few months have passed me and my ex have been getting closer again, but I've ended up hurting her by seeking what I feel instant gratification from other women, going on dates, spending time with others and even meeting for sex, I wasn't telling my ex ay of this until she has repeatidly found out several occurrences,
My ex is now potentially pregnant with my child, is going for a scan in a week, we both thought we could keep it, but she doesn't want to be around me anymore, which I completely understand! what I don't understand is why I now keep messing things up for myself, I want to be with her, I know she would make the best mum in the world and I know we could be very happy,
So I'm now dealing with more grief for my mum than I ever have before and extremely sad about the situation with my ex, I'm at a loss with what to do and keep pushing those who love me away :(
I feel I've turned into not a very nice person who's constantly seeking attention from others to feel slightly better