:hug:It is an exhausting journey and that exhaustion is something that isnt really mentioned in the grief theorys but makes sense when you think about it because of the emotional roller coaster we have found ourselves on. I have a valentines card my husband made next to my bed even now - just a silly thing but it makes me smile still, its fine to keep stuff as long as you want and it often is the little things like that which mean the most - i also have a verse of a poem he wrote on the wall in my office at work printed over a picture of our favourite spot for holidays, i found the poem in a box in the garage and had never seen it before but it obviousely applied to our relationship in the earlier verses but the last one i still read over too myself on a bad day which is why it sits on the wall.
the last verse says
" fly to the future round hurdles and bends and ride out the storms that nature sends despite ruffled fathers and tired wings never forget that every bird sings"
I also get that life seems pointless at the moment, i felt that too - life was pointless i was pointless, but we are still here and i think there is a reason for that.
perhaps you wont even know it, but that moment you are in the right time and place to stop something awful happening to some-one else or the day you smile and say hello to some-one who is having a really bad day will make a difference to them perhaps to the extent that something so seemingly small will be the point of you being here still.Then gradually you will start to see a point for yourself as well.
I think that period of exhaustion our brains way of telling us to rest, and to begin to heal and take stock, and really only in the human world do we ignore that - grief studies in other mammals has shown that - the expression "retreat to the lair" isnt just because of physical injury but because of grief too, the difference is with a herd or a pod in normal circumstances which dont threaten the rest of them, they offer quiet support, drop food neaby and check up on their grieving member certainly, but they dont go barging in there, telling them they have to get out more or get back to work until they are ready to do so, they are more gentle and more coaxing and more patient.
If you think of this time as being in a forest and sitting under a tree, you sleep when you can and eat some berrys to survive then start to look around and at first there doesnt seem to be any way out, and you dont know which direction to look , but then you start to see what looks like a path, you may take a few steps down it then realise it isnt a path at all and come back to rest under the tree again,but then you will see another and perhaps this time it will go round in a circle because it is the wrong path, but eventually you will find one which seems more promising.It isnt straight or smooth but has hurdles all the way along it, but each hurdle you get over gives you strength to face the next even if you need to rest under another tree between them.
I found a few non paths and i found a few circular ones,and when i did find a better path it took a while to recognise it, and i realised that part of the problem had been i was trying to leave my husband behind under the original tree when i should have been taking him with me, not in the physical sense but in looking to his nature, his decisions, the things he enjoyed and loved to do and the things he felt passionate about, and using them as my guide.
But going back too that original tree,the thing that made me raise my head from the dirt to even start to see any kind of path was the things i found in the tree,the patterns in the bark, the birds, the sounds of wind the feel of rain or sunshine and the way nature replenishes itself every year - a fallen leaf isnt dead it remains part of the circle that is life, and thats why i use the tree to try and explain my journey because being outside and being in nature as much as possible is,i believe the best aid to start healing our hearts that we can ever find, so where ever you lair is try to keep that connection too the natural world as Sandra says go for a walk to the park or if you are lucky as i was to have one, spend time in the garden.