It is part of this horrid journey but at least you know now that you are not alone and that you are not mad (i thought i was really losing the plot)
As well as adopting methods to overcome panic attacks, you will find over time you can also find ways to overcome or go round the obstacles that general anxiety can throw in your path.and avoid those that create the greatest anxiety - that doesnt mean not having a life, but sometimes we think there is nothing but dragons to slay to get that without realising that rather than just trying to slay all dragons, some you can let go, and others you can simply walk around.
There was once a discussion on here about eating out alone, it was between people who had been widowed - some-one had done it and i was pleased for her,but at the same time was thinking i could never do that and actually getting anxious that i couldnt, - but then i realised actually it doesnt matter - eating out isnt something we did much before he died and usually only as part of a journey to somewhere - rather than an event in itself - so actually why stress about it when it isnt something i need to do or particularly want to do, so that was one dragon i could just let go and i have - it isnt as though there are no sandwhich shops if i am out and about, -
But actually being out and about is something i really do need/want to do - i have to travel to see my familly, at the extreme end of that, my eldest lives in south Africa -There are plenty of potential hazards in that, the plane could drop out of the sky i could get attacked by a shark or bitten by a snake or mugged and stabbed, but it isnt any of those dangers that truly worry me the anxiety is actually risiculousley worst at the airport.(no animals,no muggers,just officials)
So No 1 i (almost always) make sure i have plenty of time to get there - (queue familly laugh number one when i leave home for a 3 hour airport run 8 hours before i need too, but which actually paid off practically once when a train broke down
No 2 generally be as pre prepared as possible,know my luggage isnt over the weight limit, know what has to go through security,etc etc so my clear bag is ready packed change already separated, metal jewellry on a chain so i,m not depsparately trying to get a tight ring off while sweating and shaking (and i know if i set the beeper off they wouldnt care about a ring, but i dread setting the beeper off) (queue laugh number 2 when i have a gift jar of rosehip jam in my hand luggage that is confiscated because i didnt realise it is a "gel" )
No 3 I go straight to the gate then work back from there to the facilities, so i know where the gate is in relation to where i am, and the same in transition,
where i will already have googled every airport map available as well (laugh number three my folder of paperwork, every communication with the airline, airport maps country specifications over meds and (in the case of some countrys acceptable clothing)
It is ridiculous and a bit of a familly joke the obsessive way i do this, and at the end of all that it still doesnt mean i am not still seething with anxiety but when my brain starts to tell my body to panic, it helps if i can re-assure it that everything is in order. - so the dragon is still there but i am putting actions into place to side step it.
I know its over thinking - but it isnt all negative,last time, on the way to the airport to come back i had done all that, everything packed anxiety mounting, but we had decided to have a last day at the beach en route to the airport, went snokelling and time slipped away, - no time to change or park up, me and my luggage spilled out of the car and i got on the plane with wet hair, wet rashie in my hand luggage, my also damp swimsuit under a beach dress,and flip flops on my feet, (luckilly a small familiar airport, but i knew exacly where my passport and ticket and security bag was and for a brief moment in time i was cool young traveller rather than middle aged over anxious fat woman (laugh number 4 -me laughing at myself, because thats exactly what i am, and i would never tell my familly i thought i was a cool surf dude type, even if it was just for a split second
) Anxiety isnt funny but learning to laugh at yourself helps too.
Anxiety is, i think something more common than we believe not just in grief but in a lot of other people, -its one of those things we dont like to talk about.
The comedian Rod Gilbert did a programme about it, he could stand on a stage at the Apollo in front of massive audiences, but couldnt go into a cafe and order a drink,since that programme I often look round the waiting areas at the airports and wonder which other people on their own looking like calm seasoned travellers are actually doing exactly the same as me - showing a personna on the outside while underneath it anxiety is bubbling away.
The main message is, with grief anxiety often fades, but if it remains with you as it has with me, even in a lesser form, chose your dragons and never let them stop you doing the things you really want to do, but remember you dont have to slay the ones that perhaps society sees as important but which are less so to you, you can avoid some altogether, and for those that are still in the way, you can arm yourself with more clever weapons than a spear and they will move out of your way.