I too recognise going through that - it isnt bottling it up so much as being drained i think, and yes being afraid that if you let go you will lose the plot and never stop crying - i banned alcahol from my life as well - because i feared it would make me let go, and that if i started drinking i would never stop that either.
After they die, there is shock even if we know they are going too, - then all the funeral and paperwork and stuff forces us to recover and get on with stuff - and in a way while we are doing that, we are still caring for them - they still are behind us doing all of those things - then suddenly its done - there really is nothing left to do in that caring role - everyone else around you goes back to their life -but you cant go back to yours -and when yours was caring for some-one its very difficult to know what your role is anymore - caring for yourself is something you have to learn.
I went back to work and worked on autopilot, but that and my dog were the only things that got me out of bed - I couldnt be bothered to cook, or do my hair, didnt care about my clothes or the house ( i had to move and literally lived in one room surrounded by boxes and furniture stayed stacked in another - and if i did get hungry i would open a tin and eat out of it with a spoon.)
I distinctly remember setting off to walk to work one morning and looking down the hill to the main street and people were going about their lives and i felt i was seeing everything through a mist but i was invisible, i actually questioned in my mind whether it was me that had died not him and in that case he was alive if only i could see him and make sure he was ok everything would be fine - sounds a bit mad now - but in a sense, i was half right, the person i had been - the me that i knew had died.
I also had the most awful dream that he was ill and bizarely lying on a bed in the cellar - and i was going to a party and i left him there - the dream then moved to me getting back from the party and finding he had died - and i think that was the guilt the things i couldnt put together while awake were trying to sort themselves out while i was asleep - the party represented getting a life back ( i dont actually and never have been a party person) and forgetting about him. I hadnt forgotten about him of course, but had become an emotional void.
In the end it was the garden that got me going because we had loved the garden so much where we were before, and i wanted to re-create it in the new place as a tribute to him, and looking back i recognize that at that point i had gone back to him being my biggest motivation - if i couldnt live life for myself i would live it for him and be his eyes on the world - and of course that came with a lot of emotions - i was doing all this stuff for him but he wasnt physically here and wouldnt know - but on the other hand maybe he would and if we ever met in a different realm then the conversation - what did you do after i left was going to be very short if the answer was i did nothing - at this point i was looking at belief systems and quantum physics and concluded if i could believe in one theory i shouldnt dismiss any of the others and even if there was never to be that meeting i had nothing to lose.
I realised eventually i had to change the bond beween us but without breaking it, because i just couldnt do that, i still havnt and have no desire too, but now i think of him as sharing the special moments, laughing with me or at me, tutting when i do something daft, i find myself seeking in my heart what his opinion or advice would be on something either major things or things as minor as dealing with a vehicle break down, solving a DIY problem or what sized screwdriver to use. - but in learning to live life for him am living my life for myself as well now, but its a long slow and bumpy journey and it involves not only learning to be a carer of yourself but having patience with yourself.
This place helps because not only can we express what is happening just by the physical act of writing which alone can help us make sense of our emotions in our own heads, but we are all on some stage of the same journey and so we try to hold out a hand too each other - we will be here for as long as you need us.