Hello Monster Bear,
Does anyone recognise this? Probably everybody, I think. I certainly do. It's a bit different for me, it was my mum I lost, but we lived together and I was her carer since the death of my dad in 1985. She was fairly well most of the time, but had a heat condition that made her short of breath and gave her problems from time to time, eventually leading to a couple of strokes. She recovered well, but could not do anything in the house much as could not stand for long. I feel like she was my soulmate. We liked the same things, held much the same opinions, went everywhere together and was lovely to come home to and chat about your day with. She always had really good ideas about how to solve any problems and I really miss her so much.
I think one of the hardest aspects of life after she was gone was having to deal with all the financial and legal stuff. The IHT process was an absolute nightmare and has taken more than a year to sort out. I had a huge amount of stress due to that and several friends have told me they can actually see the difference in me now that a large part of that has lifted! So I know all about feeling like the pressure of being the responsible one also. I felt it when my dad died and do again now, if in a different way.
I think the nights are the worst. That, in the early days certainly, is when you tend to go over the last few months of your loved one's life, being hard on yourself for not having done this or that or wondering, if you'd known something or other sooner, it could have changed things and regretting anything you wished you had said and didn't etc. It seems to be a self-blame time and is made worse by the fact that night is probably the time you are most aware of the emptiness of the house without that person in it. The silence and the fact of being alone makes it all harder and more acute.
I haven't slept much either since mum died. I actually woke up this morning so pleased with myself for having, for the first time since mum died, slept for seven hours straight, albeit due to exhaustion, I think. Usually I either can't sleep at all and end up getting up and doing something else till I feel tired enough to try again, or keep waking up every two hours or so. It's been like that since she died in October 2017. And feeling tired and exhausted all the time just makes everything worse.
I had a tough week at work this last week and got very upset about it, so I think the stress of that has made me more exhausted and that is where I miss mum even more. In the old days, I would have come home and chatted it all over with her and am sure she would have had some wise words to offer as well as sympathy and being able to talk about your day to someone in itself, helps relieve the stress. Now I don't have that so know exactly what you mean about missing adult conversation. It makes you bottle things up more and that isn't good for you either and also increases the stress.
I find talking on here and on the facebook group really helps with that, as we are all going through the same thing and having similar feelings and it really helped me feel less alone when I found this group. I think just writing down how you are feeling and knowing others are feeling much the same is a comfort. I write in a diary too and find that helps also. I do try to get out of the house a couple of times a week and that is also a big help. I joined a class and find I can talk to some of the very nice friends I have made there and it takes me out of myself and makes me focus on something else for a while and forget my troubles. Perhaps that might help you too. Otherwise I walk in the park and find that very calming and healing. Having flowers around the house also seems to help.
It's a very tough journey to build a life without those you have loved in it, but knowing they would want the best for you gives me courage and being creative in finding new things to do that give me some pleasure in life has helped a lot and is gradually helping me move forward, so take your time, but try to bring some positive new things into your life and this will probably help. With the sleeping problem, I have occasionally used Nytol to help with that. It does a little.
Stay strong. It sounds like you had a wonderful life with your lovely wife and have a wonderful family to show for it as well as lots of lovely memories. You might like to put together a special album of your favourite photos of your wife. That helped me. Also encourage the family to put together a memory box. I have heard that some people put special items and pictures into a box to help hold those special memories of their lost loved one or write down little things and episodes that they remember and put them either down in a book or on scraps of paper in a jar, so that when they feel down, they can pull one out or have a glance through the book to remind themselves of good memories and times they shared with that person. Would that perhaps be good for the children?
Anyway, you are not on your own here, Monster Bear. We all know exactly how you are feeliing and it does get better. It just takes a very long and painful time to improve. You can't change the past or get your loved one back, but you can eventually find your way to a place where you can live with that and inch slowly forward into the new changed life you find yourself in.
Sending hugs and sympathy