Four days

[Karena]

 :hug:and me.
Thankyou for the candle Makers much appreciated.

Hubby your Billy made me smile running up and down with the toys.and at the same time made me cry because I,m missing my dog so much We were mum and dad I really hope the two of them are together somewhere.
But I also totally get how sometimes it just takes an instant to shock yourself by thinking or saying something as if for a brief second you forgot things will never be normal again.The positive thing though is that you were able to focus on your work and reconnect with that.

[Hubby]

Thanks again for the replies.

This grief has turned everything on its head. I'm in a strange place where crying actually makes me feel happy and feeling happy makes me want to cry. Remembering things makes me sad but forgetting them makes me even sadder.

Today has been s good day. I did work, went to the doctors (He'd stopped me doing night work for another month) and did more painting at home with just a few sad moments and no crying at all. I should be pleased but, in this upside down world, I'm worried that it won't last and wondering what new surprises grief has in store for me next.

I'm still forgetting things so I made a list of things I need to do as recommended when I mentioned it on here. I dealt with a few things today and, when I went to cross them off the list, they weren't on it??? I guess my memory is even worse than I thought.

Hope your all doing well.

[Hubby]

Yesterday and today have been fairly OK. I worked, came home, did a few jobs.

I took the cat that's lived in our yard for the past ten years to the vets yesterday as its been a bit lethargic. It's not our cat but Margaret fed it and my daughter has taken over. The vet checked it over and took some blood for tests. The results are back and it's fine but my wallet is £187 lighter. 

Today I got s call from the solicitor and probate has been granted so all that's left is to transfer the property into my name and the legalities are complete. I've also got my first appointment for counselling next Wednesday.

I've had a few miserable moments but generally I'm feeling a bit detached from everything. A bit like living on auto pilot. Perhaps not even living, just existing. On the plus side I have managed to get on top of a few things now I've started writing down what I need to do rather than forgetting everything.

[angela33]

Oh my heart goes out to you for your loss and grief and the desperately painful ending you have suffered. I had similar with John being in ICU and told he was brain dead and having to let him go, thankfully it appeared to be peaceful, but part of me wanted to insist they kept him alive on life support, but that wouldn't have been the right decision.  I so wish there was a magic formula I could offer to make things easier, but there isn't and we all find our way in our own unique way.  But it is so hard and difficult and painful and lonely and I hope you are able to find some comfort with family and friends.  Everyone says that time slowly helps with managing the pain and it is comforting to have this website where people really understand what it is like so try and reach out for help whenever you need it and when it all feels too awful, just keep breathing and know it wont always be so dreadful.

[Julie Magson]

I've had a few miserable moments but generally I'm feeling a bit detached from everything. A bit like living on auto pilot. Perhaps not even living, just existing. On the plus side I have managed to get on top of a few things now I've started writing down what I need to do rather than forgetting everything.

That explains exactly how I feel Hubby. I went out with my sister yesterday and yes it was good to be out but I felt so detached from everyone around me.

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies. It helps to know that others experience the same feelings and it's not just me.

I didn't get online last night so it's two days to report on. Friday was a strange sort of day. In work I was given a job which was with a work colleague I knew from years ago who now works for another firm. I have not seen him for over five years but I knew he lost his wife last year. When we met we had a bit of a laugh about things we used to do years ago and it was almost like old times except I could see the sadness beneath the brave face he was putting on. I wonder if he could see mine?

After work I went home and did a few jobs and went to bed early as I had been in my feet all day and was very tired.

Today I treated myself to a bit of a lie in. After that I had a bit of overtime to do then did a shop on the way home. My daughter was out when I got back so I set about mowing the lawn. Halfway through it I burst into tears. I carried on, mowing while crying, till the job was done. I then did a bit of painting and my daughter came home so I made tea.

I opened a letter with the new insurance documents and read through to make sure everything was right. They have only put Margarets details on it even though I told them she was dead. I started to ring them to correct it but broke down crying again before I could get through. That could have been avoided had they just listened.

I've come to bed again now. I'm hoping for a nice day tomorrow so I can get a full days painting in

Hope you all have a decent weekend.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

Bless you for carrying on with the lawn even though you were in tears. It's good for you to know you are not alone when you meet someone who has also lost. They are the better ones to understand what you are going through.  We have a supply of tears waiting to fall when we need them and it's good that you don't hold them back.  I can only offer support regarding paperwork and dealing with those who just don't get that those errors have such impact on the loved ones day.

Looking forward to hearing from you again. You have quite a following here.

 

[Emz2014]

Few people see the sadness beneath the brave masks worn. I wonder sometimes if it fear for unleashing something - perhaps some people see but dont know how to react so don't pursue? .
I have one friend in particular who always knew,  a couple of caring questions and I'd be in tears, where she could see beneath the mask
Sending a big hug  xx

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I've just made the call to change the details on the insurance and it's knocked me for six a bit. The details will keep coming up as long as I class myself as married. The only other options are single or cohabiting. To remove the details, occupation, birthdate, etc I had to class myself as single.

I don't feel single though. As far as I am concerned I am still married to Margaret and will remain so.

Why oh why can't they put a widowed option on there and avoid the upset?

[Spaicer]

That's awful, I totally agree, I'm widowed, still married and definately not single, if it's not too upsetting & you have the energy I would complain 

[Hubby]

Thanks Spaicer. I think I really do have to complain. I've just spent half an hour bawling my head off because of it. It's really getting to me. 

Nearly forgot my update. After the call to the insurance I managed to drag myself out and do a bit of painting and a few odd jobs. I made a curry for my daughter and her fiancée and had a bit of a chuckle with my grandson. Then I watched the Bond film but got upset and missed the end.

That's about it. Take care.

[Hubby]

Not much to report today. I didn't get much sleep last night as I was still upset by the insurance thing. I had to get into work early (6am) which didn't help. When I got home I had planned to fit some alarms but I was really tired and didn't have the motivation.  I tried to have a nap on the sofa after tea but billy was climbing all over me and licking my ears so I went to bed at 6. I've just woke up and had a cuppa and now I'm back off to bed.

Night night.

[Karena]

That's pants hubby they should have a widowed box, ive never been able to change my facebook status from married.but what's really important is what's in your heart not some officious document created by automations who insist everyone fits into a predetermined slot.

[Hubby]

Thanks Karena. I haven't got round to complaining yet but it's definitely on my 'to do' list.

Today I did work much the same as normal. Still scratching around for odd jobs but keep myself occupied. On the drive home I just burst out crying for no reason whatever. I had to pull over to compose myself.

Once home I walked the dog then started doing things on my list. I did quite well, sorted something out with the council, rang the local health trust and arranged s meeting over my complaint about Margarets time in A&E and fitted some smoke alarms. Then I went to s doctors appointment and hit a chippy tea.

I had another little cry in the garden and a big one while looking at some of the teddy bears Margaret had got as presents over the years. I think I've cried more today than over recent days so maybe I'm having a little setback but there have been calm times as well.

Tomorrow is my first counselling session.

[Spaicer]

Good luck with the counselling tomorrow, I'm actually considering it, although I'm not sure it's for me, but then had a really big sob the other so maybe not doing as well as I thought 😕
Anything that helps with the pain has to be good