Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks Jakers. I hope you have a wonderful week as well.

Today has been another mainly good day. Bit of a lie in but then I actually got out and got s bit of painting and brickwork repair done. Couldn't really be bothered cooking so it was microwave tea then a bit of tidying up. Not many down moments but I just burst into tears when I came upstairs. Normally that doesn't happen till I'm in bed and have time to start thinking about things.

Still a 90% good day though.

[Julie Magson]

90% is good Hubby.

[Soleil]

You're right Julie, I think just you saying yourself that 90% shows how you are coming along.  I wish you many more 90's and maybe at some point a 100 although we take what we can get.   

[Hubby]

Your right. 90% is good but the 10% seems to overshadow all the bearable time making it as if it never happened.

Today was also a 90% day. I spent all day in work painting a very big shipping container with a very small roller but it was out in the sun which was nice. I did tea then went next door to see my grandson who has just learned to crawl today.

I've been pretty angry today for some reason. I had an argument with a van driver on the way into work and another with a shop assistant on the way home. I feel a bit guilty about it. I could have dealt with the situations better but didn't have any time for people making my life any more difficult than it had to be.

Had a major cry when I realised Margarets toothbrush was still in the holder in the bathroom. I cannot believe I had not noticed it there in the past five months. I recovered pretty quickly from it but that will be what I think of when I look back at the day in bed rather than the humdrum stuff which filled most of it.

[Julie Magson]

I can empathise with the toothbrush- I WAS going to say 'it's the small things isn't it'? But in truth it's the big things as well so I won't say that. How lovely that your grandson is just next door though.

[Hubby]

Thanks Julie. At the moment it seems like he house is filled with booby traps ready to set me off. Some are obvious, so obvious they often have no effect but things like the toothbrush really take me by surprise when I am least able to deal with them.

It's another two day update tonight. I didn't get online last night because I was too tired. I did work in the morning then set off for my counselling session. For the first time in a session I broke down crying and it really took it out if me. When I got home I cooked tea and had a lie down. I decided to go to bed just after 6 but couldn't go to sleep and lay there thinking which set me of wailing again. After an hour I decided to get up again and watched a bit of telly before going back to bed and going straight to sleep.

Today I did work again and a bit of a shop on the way home before tea and more telly. I've had a fair few cries today as well but mainly short ones easy to hide. Maybe the counselling is doing some good at helping me think about things I had been hiding from. Either that or the thought of my meeting with the local NHS trust over Margarets treatment in A&E (Which I found out today has been rescheduled for the end of the month)

I'm having a early night tonight. I want to get a few things done at the weekend rather than hiding in bed like I have done the past few weekends. I have to get loads more outside painting done before winter.

Take care all.

[Hubby]

So much for the early night. I didn't sleep well then slept through my alarm making me two hours late for work.

The day went OK. Plodded on through work, made up the hours I missed. Went home had tea, watched telly, got upset when I came upstairs to bed.

Groundhog Day really. Not much point to anything. 

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,
I think having a few Groundhog Days isn't all that bad. Sometimes non events can make us feel a little normal and give us a chance to catch our breath after all that's happened. Just being able to get uninterrupted sleep is an accomplishment even if you sleep through an alarm lol! At least you were able to make up the time at work. I hope you have a good weekend whatever you do. :)

[Karena]

I know it doesn't compare but our dog was my best friend when Keith died,gave me a reason to carry on, made me get up,take charge and kept me company on long nightime walks when i couldnt sleep. I lost him recently and of course was really upset,but apart from the immediate time havnt really cried.but just tried to carry on  being strong. Today I finally put his blanket to wash.Then as I,m going away soon,found my camera switched it on to see if the battery needs charging and up comes a picture of the dog,the last picture I took on my camera,i dont even remember taking it. I spent a good half hour sobbing in the chair hugging the smelly blanket,which was retrieved from the washing pile unwashed.My point is that even though these little surprises come as a shock,perhaps we need them to kick start emotional release that's needed.

[Soleil]

Great words Karena, I think we have things bottled up but when it's ready to come out it does, even if an inappropriate time. I'm still upset about my cat and it's 3-1/2 months on. They leave their mark even if they don't take up much space. I'm sure you have sadness over the dog. They are such good friends to us and don't judge our moods. Have a good day to everyone !

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I think perhaps we do sometimes need a little trigger to allow us to release our emotions. We are so used to wearing our masks these little things serve as a reminder that we have to take them off sometimes.

I haven't needed any triggers today. I woke up really missing Margaret and had a good cry before making breakfast. I then managed to go out and buy some stuff for odd jobs around the house and painted the kitchen door. Then I went for s bit of a shop before stopping off at Margarets grave where I had another big cry. Came home and painted the door again and then tea and telly.

It's seeming more and more to me that I am down more at the weekend. That would make sense as I don't have work to get me away from the house and keep me occupied and I feel very lonely when at home. It's not like my home anymore, all the joy has gone. 

[Julie Magson]

Yes Hubby- I totally agree. I am at my worst on the weekends. On those two days everything is even more of an effort and I have to force myself to do just ordinary everyday things. I think it's because out of my window I see all couples and families doing weekend things together and I am so jealous of them, see I'm crying just writing this!
On a lighter note- can I ask you how long it takes a windowsill that my son in law painted for me yesterday to dry so that I can put my curtains back up please? It still feels very lightly tacky to me. Hope you don't mind me picking your brains but I'm clueless when it comes to these things.

[Karena]

If it feels tacky I would leave the curtains down Julie if its gloss it takes a while.

Weekends are difficult,The flip from looking forward too them to dreading them hard to cope with,and as you say happy families everywhere doesn't really make you feel better,then you start disliking yourself for resenting them.

I fill them easily in summer now with the garden  less so in winter.Although last winter I did start cooking for myself,from a recipe book instead of a microwavable carton,which filled a bit of time,and meant I ate better food in the week too.Also took up crochet which I didn't know I could do but takes a surprising amount of time out of a day.

[Hubby]

Thanks for replying.

It depends I the paint but I would leave gloss at least two days to dry. Even when it feels dry on top there can still be patched where the paint is thicker and hasn't fully dried. I use quick drying stuff that's meant to dry in six hours but even that takes well over 24 hours before Anything put in it doesn't sticky I it.

I also feel resentful of other couples. Sometimes I see them arguing with each other about little things and think to myself "don't you know what you've got there and your wasting time with petty squabbles?". Then I remember that that is what me and Margaret were like and that the 'arguments' we're just part of the ongoing banter and never meant anything. In fact just typing that reminds me how much I miss them and has started the tears flowing. 

Today I woke at half seven, decided it was too early to get up and went back to sleep. Next thing I know it was half past three!

I refitted the kitchen door only to find it no longer closes and I'm going to have to shave a bit off it and paint it again.

My daughter came round with her fiancée and my grandson. He's learned to crawl this week and goes scrambling off at every opportunity laughing his head off so I had s great time. I did posh burgers for tea with big chips and New York cheesecake for afters. I'm getting better at cooking on the fly rather than rigidly following instructions which is just as well as the oven settings don't seem to tally up with what the food makers suggest.

I've spent tonight trying to set up email and stuff on the new PC and old sparky has become the spare PC to be used as a last resort. I think it's going to take me some time to get used to Windows 10 and my new email program.

Take care all. I hope you have good days this week

[Julie Magson]

Thank you for the paint tips Karena and Hubby! I'm so glad you had a good time with your family Hubby and the meal sounds delicious!
I was very good yesterday and cooked instead of pinging the microwave - not quite the same though eating alone is it? I have to force myself as my appetite seems to have disappeared and I really can't afford to lose any more weight.