Four days

[Hubby]

Thanks Spaicer.

I nearly missed my appointment for counselling. I set off from work in plenty of time but must have got caught at every set of traffic lights. When I got to the city centre roads had been closed and I sat in traffic for ages. What should have taken thirty minutes took over an hour and I got there five minutes late and really flustered. 

The counselling was a lot harder then I imagined and I had imagined it to be hard. After the initial introductions and pleasantries my counsellor asked me what had happened. Even though I have recounted it perhaps hundreds of times to different people and thought I had got used to going through the timeline of events without falling apart I found myself hardly able to speak through my tears. It seemed to take forever to go through it.

It then got worse. I don't know how but somehow the counsellor got me talking about some complications that came to light after Margarets death. These were things I had filed at the back of my mind that brought up a lot of questions about how I perceived our relationship. I had been hiding from these negative thoughts but the counsellor told me they have to be addressed in order for me to grieve properly. I then showed hef a couple of photos and she advised me to try and think of Margaret as she was in my favourite picture rather than the image I have created with unanswerable questions.

It seemed like I as in there forever but it was less than an hour. I felt drained afterwards.

I haven't done much since I got home. I made tea and washed up but that's it. The thoughts I was hiding from are right in the forefront and I feel absolutely miserable. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

 

[Karena]

Hubby try and keep on with it.
The first two sessions i had left me drained and tearful and i really thought about chucking in the towel, but then it seemed nothing else would make it better either so there was nothing to lose.The third time was less draining, and by the time i got to week 7 i was dreading it being over,i had 8 weeks,but i knew i was taking some-one elses time whose need was more urgent and also that i had got strength from it, enough to go it alone.Now that those things have come out you will find a resolution which will help you file it away in the right place next time.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

I think we can all sympathize about the stuck in traffic. I'm sure they understood. I think Karena has great words of advice that you continue.  It all takes time. These things always drain us so maybe be low key in leading up to the session. 

Good luck with your progress.

 

[Hubby]

Thank you for the replies.

I feel a bit better about the counselling today. I didn't get much sleep last night but I've managed to cobble together a list of some of my concerns and questions hat I can bring up at the next session. It's been a bit of a backward step in my journey but here are things that have yo be revisited before Ivan move on

Today wasn't too bad. I did the work thing then visited an aunt. I was late home so it was microwave meals for tea then I went for a bath.

While I was upstairs my daughter had an online argument with a distant relative who rents a house Margaret inherited off us. We only charge him £50 a week and, to be honest, it's actually costing me more for him to live there than I'm getting in rent at the moment so I can do without the hassle on top of everything else.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

[Hubby]

I don't know what's happened today but I'm in the middle of a major setback.

I got up and went to work as normal. Came home, had a little sleep because I'm meant to be going out with a few workmates tonight and woke up around 5:30 absolutely distraught. I'm missing Margaret more than ever, can't see the point in carrying on and can't stop crying. Not little sobs but full on uncontrollable wailing. It feels like I've gone back months.

[Emz2014]

The counselling has probably brought things back to you.  Sending a hug  be gentle with yourself
Your counsellor shouldnt be making you go over and over painful memories in detail. If thats the case, you might need to seek a different type of counsellor (there's many different types/schools of counselling) xx

[Soleil]

Hubby,

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I had words that could be of more support. Maybe you should tell the counselor how distraught you are. I think you need to be straight forward with them so they know how fragile you are.  We are here for you always.

Wishing you a better tomorrow.

[Karena]

May be the counselling and also deep down the idea of going out with your mates,its a big step.
But its something that happens a lot,you start feeling a tiny bit better then find yourself at the bottom of the pit,After a few times you recognise it,let it happen then start climbing again but the climb gets a little bit easier each time because you know you've done it before.Take care of yourself 

[Hubby]

Thanks all. It means a lot that you take the time to read my ramblings and offer support.

Yesterday was horrendous. A horrible combination of loneliness, missing Margaret and lack of interest in anything. I would start crying at the drop of a hat. I cried when I got up, on the way to work, in work (in front of people, something I've managed to avoid till now), in shops while doing shopping and when back at home. I couldn't bring myself to go on the Internet or do anything else for that matter and was in bed at 7.

Today started off just as bad but I forced myself to go out and do a bit of painting. Keeping busy seems to have done the trick. Also it was curry night in my house again (Korma this week) and my grandson was round which has cheered me up a bit.

Hope your all doing well.

[Soleil]

Hi Hubby,

Bless you! Always giving a true and honest synopsis of how you feel. Just always keep in mind there is nothing linear about grief and it will go back and forward and up and down and catch you when you least expect it. You spent a lot of time with Margaret so your life and memories with her will not disappear and you must allow yourself the sadness.  I think your Margaret must have been very special. I wish you a good next day. I will join you in a virtual cuppa 

Best

[Hubby]

Thanks Jakers.

I'll make my cuppa a Horlicks 

[Hubby]

Today, believe it or not, I had quite a good day.

After a bit of a shaky start I went to work, did my stuff, came home, did the necessary things and a few extra little jobs then had a relaxing bath all without any serious upset. I even went to the stonemasons to see when the headstone would be engraved.

It really confuses and annoys me how I can be so down one day and a day or two later be managing OK. It makes it impossible to plan anything. I just don't know from one day to the next how things are going to be. I know there will be ups and downs but not when.

How much easier would things be if we started grieving at rock bottom and got a tiny bit better each day rather than it all being jumbled up.

Anyhow's that was my day. I'll still have my little bedtime cry of course but that is predictable.

Hope your all doing a little better today. 

[Karena]

  think I will stick to tea though not a fan of Horlicks.
Hubby I know what you mean about unpredictability  in a way there are two things going on,the steady progress at one level and the setbacks on a level above that moving at a different pace.The key is accepting there will be setbacks but recognising that they become less frequent and less disruptive over time.,and a better day is just round the corner you just need to get through this bad one.That in itself is part of the steady progress as now you recognise a bad day but a short time ago everyday was bad.
Don't feel that you can't plan anything though sometimes it is only by doing things that you discover what will make for a bad day and what won't.So for me for example trying to join the local WI was a bad mistake even though everyone said I should join things,and going back to dolphin watching was a good thing,even though I was dreading it would make things worse being so full of memorys,and others said I shouldn't go back,only forwards.We each will find our own way and each will differ but its a journey we have to take.

[Soleil]

Boy Karena, you hit the nail on the head with everything you said. I find that only someone who has gone through the quagmire can somewhat accurately explain the grief process and the thrashing it gives you even though we are all different, it is a constant in some ways with everyone. Many think they have gone backward because they have a day that seems worse than they had at the beginning but the reality is that is they just aren't recognizing that there have been some ok or somewhat good days in there too, so yes, it seems to go back but it is moving forward. In odd ways I have felt that a reasonably ok day was followed by a day that I call 'back in the tank' where I am miserable all over again. It eventually does become less and begins to balance a bit more and then eclipse a lot of bad days but I always think that grief can lurk around somewhere but you do have to move forward to plan other things. 

Hubby, you will find your footing and you will stumble but get up again and move on.  I say Cheers for Horlicks and Tea. I love them both. 
    

[Hubby]

Thanks for the replies.

I feel I am moving on though bad days can seem worse than they ever were at the beginning of this nightmare. I think the weekends setback was definitely to do with he counselling where we touched on a few issues that were making grieving more difficult. I have another session tomorrow and I think my counsellor will go into it more. This may trigger another setback but I have to get these things in my head sorted now or I will just be storing up problems for the future.

As for today it was pretty much like yesterday. Just another day, manageable , no real upset. I visited an old friend after work which was nice and my daughter and grandson were round when I got home which was a pleasant surprise. My desktop PC, 'old sparky', has finally given up the ghost. I think I backed up all the pictures on it to CDs just before Margaret died so hopefully I haven't lost anything important. I just wish I had real photos in shoe boxes like we used to have, at least they weren't at risk of some bit of technology breaking down.

Hope your all managing OK