Thank you for understanding and responding so kindly. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all these long months feeling that you let Ruth down. From where i stand, it appears you did everything that was reasonable and rational to do. Perhaps the medical personnel should have, could have responded differently, and perhaps the outcome would have been different. It must seem extremely unfair to you, to say the least, that your dear wife was fine one day and gone the next. Im sorry that you didnt even get to say a final goodbye to Ruth before she passed. Im sorry they just left you there with her on the trolley without an acknowledgement of your grief.
I am struggling with guilt and regret myself over the way my husband died. Although my Daniel had been sick for a number of years, he had been in hospital for surgery and released just the week before he died, and we both had a sense of being given another chance at life and that ultimately he would beat his illness. Neither of us expected that he would be dead the next week. He went back to the hospital as an emergency 7 days after he was released. I know neither of us expected that when he left home this last time that he wouldnt be coming back. The first doctor to look at him wanted to discount his symptoms and send him home. I argued that he was too ill, that something was really wrong, and thats when they discovered his blood pressure was low, he had sepsis, and loss of kidney function. He went downhill from there. I firmly believe that Daniel had an adverse reaction to drugs they gave him for anxiety and tremors, and the doctors ttreated the symptoms of that adverse reaction more than the sepsis and kidney problems. They kept giving him more of the same drugs and the symptoms they were treating continued to get worse. I spoke to his doctors about it but they dismissed it as unlikely that it was caused by the anxiety meds even though he had a similar adverse reaction to a similar anxiety med at home 3 months prior. I firmly believe the doctors inadvertently caused his death, but i feel tremendously awful because i feel that i really let Daniel down. I didnt fight the doctors hard enough, i didnt put my foot down, i agreed to certain treatments (heavy sedation, anti-seizure med, intubation) that the doctors recommended but ultimately i believe made things worse and worse. I feel terribly guilty, sad, and angry that if i had been more outspoken and made different choices in the hospital Daniel might still be alive. I would love for a medical expert to be able to tell me that i am wrong, but i doubt that will happen. I am haunted by those final days, and most especially upset thinking about what he was experiencing that last day.
It is just over a week since he passed and my grief is very raw, but i think i will go to my own grave feeling that i let Daniel down. I cant console myself that his death that day was inevitable or that he was ready to go. I cant console myself that it isnt my fault. I worry that he needlessly suffered in the end, and fought as hard as he could but i didnt realize at the time what he was experiencing and that i needed to do something and be more insistent with the doctors.
My dad counseled me that no matter the circumstances i would find something to second-guess, that the doctors did what they could and it was just his time. I think he is right, but i also think i am right. I cant shake the horrible thought that i am responsible for my dear husband dying, that i let down my best friend when it mattered most.
But i would pass my dads wisdom on to you, that no matter the circumstances regarding Ruth you would probably still second-guess yourself. Im sure you did your best at the time, and what made sense. Im sorry youre feeling the way you feel, but youre certainly not alone. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.
And yes, it is the little things. I went to a restaurant yesterday and suddenly remembered how only a month earlier Daniel had joyfully driven in circles in their parking lot and sang to me, and made me laugh. Today putting on makeup i remembered that just days before he died i caught Daniel shyly watching me from bed as i got ready to go out. And today i found one of his dirty socks under the bed.
Thank you, and peace be with you.