Sending you a welcome hug
I personally dont think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. It is a path which, although there may be many similar stages, is all very individual to each of us. Sometimes the emotions are just too strong and we find ourselves acting out of character or trying to subdue/avoid them. Doesnt make it wrong, its just an attempt at coping
Feeling guilty is also a common feeling on this journey. The what-ifs, should-haves and more hindsight we get once time has passed.
I imagine you are also dealing with feeling the loss of the recent relationship. Which is hard when you already feel raw inside
Be gentle with yourself. Nothing can take away the love for your wife, the time and beautiful memories can never be taken away. Please try to fight feeling ashamed, you are human and you were doing the best you could to cope. You may find it helps to talk about it, and here you will find others who have all had a loss. No professionals here but everyone will understand this rollercoaster journey xx