It isnt so much about who we lost whether we are widow or widower parent or child - but how grief affects us personally and for some that might be to get out of the house as much as possible, to seek increased social interaction and try and displace grief with frenzied activity, for others it will be to retire to our lair.Neither is wrong, there isnt a wrong or right way to grieve we have to do what is right for us.
to answer your first question though, yes it is something that makes me cringe too and it is something said often - but it is asked with different motives and thats whats really important not the words themslves - journalists generally ask because they want a story - but sometimes because they want your story to create empathy among their readers which in some cases might lead to bringing some-one to justice or some further outcome (not all of them have purley selfish motives)
Outside that sphere of people, some will ask and hope you are not actually going to tell them, (but its better than those who cross the street or dive into a shop so they can pretend they havnt seen you) - but others, and i think the majority of others,ask because they genuinley want to help and saying how do you feel means they are offering to provide an outlet for our feelings.
Grief isnt visible in the way a physical injury is but even with crutches and plaster casts people will still say how are you - while what they really mean is how can i help you.Those who do genuinley want to help are often left not knowing how they can do so with grief -whereas with the physical injury it is more obvious if you drop the crutch they will pick it up without saying, can i pick it up for you, or without you asking them too - but with grief it is less clear cut - and so as Phil said asking them to do something specific will help, -whether that is practical -search out paperwork. or social - i dont feel like going out yet but come round and have a cup of tea with me.
Its a nightmare journey and very early days for you.I remember fleeing a shop in tears on overhearing two women talking where one said she had left hubby at home because he was a nusisance when she was shopping - and the other agreed with her - I just wanted to really let rip and yell at them - we do become perhaps oversensative to things others say - and i realised later they wernt actually saying designed to hurt me and they wernt actually saying anything i might not have said myself in jest, when he was alive.