I understand where you are at. I lost my Dad who I was very close to, just before Christmas (21 Dec). I was so devastated, our whole family had revolved around him and we were all lost. My poor husband took so much anger from me, he could not do anything right. He was a very calm and placed person but I'm not and it's so hard to control emotions when dealing with grief. On 8 January, completely without illness or warning my husband died in his sleep and I'm beyond devastation. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say but I read your post and would give anything to be in your shoes now, which is probably not something anyone is likely to say to you! I'm sorry I don't have the answers either I guess I just hope my story helps you find a little space before you react, I wish I had been able to. Counselling has really helped for me, it gave me an outlet to outline my grief without upsetting anyone. Take care of yourself on this journey, it's a tough one at best X