Hi everyone
My name is Nikki and I am soon to be bereaved and am confused with my feelings. A good childhood friend is very near passing and I keep replaying my recent visits to her in hospital over and over in my head. I’m not at her bedside now as she has become unresponsive and all her family are with her so I’m playing a waiting game to hear what’s happening.
I keep going over and over my last couple of visits in my head, things I said, things she said, I keep trying to picture her as she was on my last visit and I can’t get it right in my head so I feel guilty that I can’t picture her. Then I think why am I trying to picture her when she’s so poorly I should picture her as she was. It doesn’t stop me doing it though.
We lost touch for many years apart from occasional messaging on Facebook but every time she invited me out or around to hers I wouldn’t go because I was so ashamed of how much weight I’d put on since l had last seen her. I mean how ridiculous is that? So I feel guilty over that too.
I feel like I’m a horrible person. People are saying that it’s ok as I’ve been there when it mattered since she became very ill.
If I don’t think about it for a bit I feel guilty that I’m not thinking about it.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.