I feel for both of you because i have been there and that feling of having no purpose is terrible. I wanted my life to end - but i imagined a conversation, if there is an afterlife of any kind and we met again - how would that go - how would he react if i had thrown away what he fought to keep and brought even more hurt to our children and grandchildren - what if neither of us was around to see them grow - and later i imagined another one -in which i had done nothing - just survived - what a boring conversation and a short conversation, and from that moment i decided i would live my life for him - whether that conversation ever happens, whether we ever meet again or not - or whether he is actually by my side sharing it in some way - i had found my purpose.I did things we talked about but didnt get round too - went back to places we loved and set my mind on making him proud.
I am much further down the line than you now and i wont pretend this isnt a very difficult journey you have ahead, but just want to re-assure you that gradually over time you can find your life does start to have a point again, a glimmer of happines a moment that can quickly disapear is a moment to treasure and hold on too through the darker times. What that purpose is for all three of us will be different - we all have to find what fits. Along the way i,ve tried things that have been the wrong things. But the starting point, and I,ve had to slay some dragons -to get to do these things -and the more i do the more i feel he is by my side sharing it with me. There are still times i feel lonely still times i miss his physical presence he is rarely not in my mind and never not in my heart the journey doesnt end, it just becomes a less rocky one and overall life is better, and absolutely worth living as fully as possible.But for now in these early days - every time you get out of bed, everytime you step out of the door every little thing you finish is an achievemnet, so be kind too yourself and try to think one hour one day one week ahead before looking much further for a long term pupose.