:hug:I can only really repeat was Emz has said, everything you describe is "normal" however we all have a different "normal", as we are all different people, some things we dont experience, others at different times on this journey. If you already have anxiety and depression then the fear -which all of us experience to some degree, around the realisation of the fragility of life and how easilly we can lose some-one else, is likely to be harder to overcome for you.
What we feel is as bad as any physical pain, but there is no plaster cast or crutches,people cant see it,and cant understand it.But also like a physical injury the acute pain fades over time into a chronic ache with flare ups,Its a long time before we can run any marathons,and there will be setbacks, and days we get impatient with the whole process, -with ourselves, try to rush it then fall over.
Sharing happy memories is a positive thing to do - its not easy but maybe by collecting your own and sharing them it will overcome the horrid ones you are pulling up, and your relationship, your insight into the man who became the father you were missing is going to be unique to you. But sharing them may help the others in your familly who are brocken at the same time.
It feels like a life time, but January is not as long ago as it seems and this is a long journey.