Dont ever think you cant "moan for-ever" on here thats what we,re here for.
I know what you mean about not wanting another partner i think maybe i am lucky in that when it comes too friendship (and nothing more) between genders. I do have male friends i am the only female at work -and even shared my house with a male while he was renovating his own place without ever stepping over the boundarys of friendship, but that doesnt mean that you cant also find friendships from your choir or other activities -if you can surmount those traditional ideas that there is an expectation of something more and over tme relax more around the ladies in these groups and get to know them you may well find there are ladies there who are also looking for company and nothing more than sharing some time together and come to realise that it is ok and not a betrayal of your wife, but it really is early days yet, and in a way this journey requires you to be patient with it and yourself -it is tiring being under this black cloud and we long to throw it off but even when we do for a little while it follows us and catches up - but more and more we learn to dodge it, and then start to look over our shoulders and see it is smaller and further away.
I sometimes think happiness never quite reaches my heart any more and certainly laughter sounds more hollow too myself, the smile perhaps never quite reaches my eyes. But then i can spend whole days in the garden being quite content oblivious too time passing -or hours watching the sea for dolphins on holiday and the heartlifting moment of seeing one still remains -and i can do this without missing human company at all -of course it would be better if he was with me -but in those moments and in those places i feel closer too him than anywhere else - it is second best but better than no best - and still worth being here for - if that makes sense.
A couple of years in i imagined if there was another life of some kind and we met again that either he would somehow know what the rest of my life was about or not, but either way it would still be important to live it as best i can , because once the i missed you conversation ended, the next one may be of him being disapointed, if i threw it away after he faught hard to keep it -so i try to see the world with two pairs of eyes and be involved in it, for both of us, sometimes by trying new things but also by revisiting the places and things we both loved.