Hi
Day at at time - is as much as I can manage at the moment. I have had thoughts about the future. I know I have to return to work from a practical point of view and out of necessity. If I could have my way, I would probably wait a good few months before returning to work, but also realise a need to 'get out of myself'. and back into the real world which carries on with each new day. Indeed, despite my own inner protests, I have still managed to get up and see each day in and out.
Wading through treacle - yes it does feel like that and worse at times. At least with treacle, I understand it's nature but the stuff I'm wading through seems to be constantly changing at times, it allows tears, other times, I'm numbed so much that I can't let anything out despite a desperate need to express. Mostly, I'm just stuck. Whilst dealing with what's in my head and heart, I am also watching out for others around me for fear of making them uncomfortable or the 'don't cry, be strong' message. Am learning to find my own spaces to cry, to share and know where and when it is better or safer hold it in.
I'm in India - back to her homeland, essentially to be with and support her family here (mother and brother). This place is filled with memories of our recent holiday here and I'm finding it very difficult - have had a good few tearful moments triggered by sights from recent walks, simple sights and just being near where her hear was. Much as I am here to support her family, they are proving to be a support for me. The tears shed here feel very different to the absolute sobbing from earlier days. I am less concerned about holding back and the crying does not last as long, but feels purposeful and cathartic. Does no ease the dull sadness that I constantly feel, but gives me moments of connection which I value.
As an aside, I've been able to reflect on the differences in grieving between the UK and India. I have been able to access support and could if needed take my time to grieve and rebuild my life less my partner. There are of course practicalities and pressures. Support is available from various avenues - government, local authority, NHS, GP, voluntary organisations, friends and family, the Internet.
Here in India, they appear to be more resilient - they seem to just get on with life. This is driven as much by necessity as the support systems are much less. They have to get back to work as soon as possible, as otherwise, they risk going hungry. There do have good family support and religion plays a much bigger role in their lives. Excessive tears would be considered bad for the peace of soul, so their crying is limited when others are around. The feelings and experiences will be the same. Even with raw emotions from my own loss, I cannot imagine how tough this must be for her mother and brother, yet they put up a strong face and just get on with it.
Religion and the simple daily purpose of life here provides them a level of comfort through this journey. Death is just a part of the cycle of life and we all have to face it eventually. Even though I am thinking and writing this myself, I'm afraid it gives me no comfort and would feel an urge to punch anyone that said this to me. This is just part of the battle that is going on in my mind, so can but reflect on it.
R