I lost my mum at the end of November, exactly one week after her 89th birthday when I had taken her out to her favourite Italian restaurant. She had a fall at home and although she said she was in very little pain once we got her into hospital they diagnosed a double break of her femur so there was no alternative but to operate.
The last words I heard her say as the lift doors closed to take her down to theatre were “I’m scared”. She got through the op but died in the recovery room. I was with her when she passed, but dn’t Think she was aware.
I lost my dad 11 years ago but had Mum to help through it so although it was bad, I knew it would hit me so much harder when I lost Mum, especially as I gave up my job two years ago to care for her so it has been her and me 24/7.
I’ve been kept busy sorting through her belongings with help from my two siblings, but they have their own houses and families to go home to each day. For me I get to stay in the house I shared with Mum and find the evenings so hard and end up going to bed early just to get away from my thoughts.
I have to face the inevitability of leaving the house I’ve lived in for 45 years as it will be put on the market in a matter of weeks, I have huge debts because of not working and am struggling to get back into the workplace - partly because of my age and partly because I have zero self confidence.
So everything in my life seems to be under attack from change, all at the same time, and none of it feels doable. All the while trying to grieve. I can only tell my siblings how I feel a certain amount as they have lost their mum too, but they have families to lean on. I’m feeling lost and very alone. The people we knew in the village were more mums friends than mine, I’ve had no social life because of not wanting to leave Mum alone. People have already stopped checking to see how I’m doing. I seem to get more support from online friends, people I have never met but who care...but even there I feel there is only so much sympathy they can offer.
I’ve suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for a number of years and of course the current situation is making them ten times worse creating a brain fog that makes it near impossible to make proper decisions and see a way forward.
Daytime, I can find jobs around the house to keep me busy. Evenings not so much which is when the panic and loneliness sets in.
Edit...sorry just realised I should have posted most of this on the other board not the intro board.