Author Topic: Hello. Unbearable grief.  (Read 78 times)

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Offline Steve3

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Hello. Unbearable grief.
« on: November 11, 2020, 11:52:54 PM »

My lovely partner died on 13th July 2020 after a 4-year battle with cancer.  The way I feel, I wish I had died with him. We were together for 25 years and we were soulmates.  I loved him more than anything and couldn't imagine life without him. The last year, having to watch him suffer in extreme pain and deteriorate was unbearable.  His life ended in a hospice and the last few days have mentally scarred me - probably forever.   

I was numb and in shock for the first few weeks and during the funeral.  Now, I although I know he is dead, my brain can't process the fact that I will never see him again and I can't deal with the concept of this is now ''forever''.  I'm masking the pain, on some strange level, and think he's going to come back because the harsh reality is too overwhelming to comprehend. I feel like I'm waiting, time is endless, days are empty and everything is pointless. I can't move forward and don't think I want to because in a way it will mean I'll be leaving him behind. I'm trying not to think of the future beacuse I think about teh future I have lost.

I'm constantly crying and trying to get through one day at a time but I feel I'm drowning in crushing grief and the gut-wrenching feelings of despair and panic. I can't stop thinking about those last horrible days. I feel I let him down in so many ways and wish I'd done more than I did but I just couldn't cope with what I knew was coming.

It's the first time I've been really exposed to the stark finality of death and its fallout.

I get comfort when I speak to people who can relate to the mental pain experienced after the loss of a loved one - that's why I'm here. People say ''it's still early days...'' but that doesn't really help...

Thank you for reading this.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2020, 11:59:19 PM by Steve3 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2020, 11:16:41 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
We have many members who have lost their partner and will understand. Hope the forum helps
« Last Edit: November 12, 2020, 11:21:10 PM by Emz2014 »
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello. Unbearable grief.
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2020, 07:54:32 PM »
 :hug: theyre not wrong ii is early days but i know it doesnt really help to say it
In time I found rather than thinking if i took a step forward i was leaving was leaving my husband behind it helped to think of him moving forward with me - not in the same way i would have wanted of course, but i but he is always in my mind when i do anything even now. I started doing  things as a tribute to him - planting wild daffodils in our favourite places - going and doing some of the things we said we would do "one day" but didnt get round too and doing some things he would have done that i would have sat out on - as though doing them for him.It wasn't easy i had to move house and remember hanging his dressing gown up on the door of my room and telling myself he was working away and would be back one day - i knew it wasn't true but it was the only way i could get things done so i did it. Going back to some of those places on my own was a battle as well but everything was back then if it hadn't been for our dog needing looking after i wouldn't have go out of bed a lot of days.I became more anxious and i had panic attacks the attacks i have found ways to stop  the anxiety never quite has done, but i deal with it because that's who i am now and because i have found strategy's to deal with it and again it takes time i,m afraid.

Remembering the last days thinking we didn't so enough or we took the wrong action or said the wrong thing is common to us all here i think - the fact is we didn't do anything or say anything that wasn't done through love for them even if that was being sharp sometimes or hiding away for a while to take a breather and collect ourselves together so we could be stronger for them.we dont have hindsight and cant change it but we can look at it in a different way - often if you think of what it is and revers it you find you would still have felt guilt - for example my husband wanted to go home i insisted on calling an ambulance and said we will just get it checked then we can go home - but he never went home again and to me i had brocken a promise denied his last request - yet i also know if i hadn't called the ambulance i would always worry there might have been something the hospital could have done to save him -but it took for some-one on here to point that out to me because i wasn't seeing things clearly but stuck in a cycle of self blame. 

I did find something that helped with those last memory's was to go back to what was before and collect better ones  - if you imagine a memory is a card in a pack and put a picture on it then when the awful ones come up imagine throwing it down and putting a good one in its place - it works better the more you do it and it works better the more good ones you collect until the bad ones are completely outnumbered and dont come up so often.

Keep coming back and keep talking we will be here as long as you need us. :hug: