Author Topic: Confused with life now  (Read 93 times)

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Offline Andie

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Confused with life now
« on: September 02, 2020, 03:03:27 PM »
 :candle: Hi I'm Andie and I'm new to this, I feel lost after losing my mum to cancer last week, I feel empty, lost and that life isn't worth nothing anymore. I suffer chronic depression and the doctors now say I am suffering from severe symptoms of stress with dizziness and blurred vision. I sometimes think can life get worse then I wake up in the morning crying because I have woken up and it all starts all over again  :cry: I'm 49 years old and should be able to get myself out of this dark hole I'm in but I can't, Iv lost the only person who 100% cared and loved me :candle:

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Confused with life now
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2020, 04:16:06 PM »
Hello Andie,

So sorry to hear about your mum. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug: I came here in 2017 after losing my mum too, so if it is any comfort at all, I am still surviving three years on and can honestly say, it has got better. I wouldn't say I am 'over it'. The truth I have learned is that you don't get over it and you certainly never forget or stop loving your mum, but you do learn to accept and live with the loss. I don't feel she is gone. I still talk to her and can hear in my head what she would say to me in situations where I miss having her advice and comfort, but I do sometimes feel she is still around keeping an eye on me and certainly felt that in those terrible early days.

If it is any further comfort, I recall feeling exactly as you describe in those early days after I lost her. Yours is a normal reaction to loss and I found myself slipping into a pit of despair even six months after I lost my mum. I knew I had to try to help myself or I would never be able to climb out of that pit again, so I found little strategies to help me. I kept flowers around the house because they reminded me that there were still beautiful things in the world and their scent helped lift my spirits. I also kept a journal every day and wrote down all that had happened at the time mum died and how I felt about it and going forward, how I felt each day and a record of anything I managed to achieve, even if this was something as basic as washing, dressing or eating, because there were days early on, when I couldn't even manage to do such basic things, so these were achievements on the days when I could. Writing also somehow helps you get some of that pain out by giving you an outlet for expressing it. I also took walks, to the park mainly, as I found it very helpful to get out of the house and the park was a calming place to sit and try to come to terms with all that had happened and to think about it all. It also made me feel better to be surrounded by nature and to see the inscriptions on the benches to people others had lost and that was reassuring, because it showed that those people were still missed and loved and remembered by those left behind. It also helped me to join a class a little later on.It made me think about something else and gave me a break from the grief, which is exhausting and will drag you down if you let it.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel better so quickly. Your mum was a major part of your life for all the time you have lived and there is no one like your mum, so such a major loss is bound to be a huge shock and to take time to recover from. Just be patient and kind to yourself and try to remember to eat and drink enough and that will be enough of an effort for now. Grief and loss take a long time to recover from. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, so you need to accept that this will take a lot of time and will not be easy, but slowly you find there are some better days and over time, there are more good days than bad, but this will be part of you going forward. Grief changes you. Loss changes your life and your future and how you feel about everything, so it will take time. You have new you and a new normal to get used to. It will also take effort to find a way to get through it without letting it drag you down, so find the tools that help you feel better and turn to those when you need to.

A week is no time at all, even a year is very little time to try to recover from such a blow, so don't expect to be able to feel anything like normal again for a long time. Try to take things one day at a time or just one hour or minute at a time, when necessary. It's a long hard road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are here for as long as you need us and everyone here has been through what you are going through now, so  feel free to write here whenever you wish. No one will judge and we will all understand.

Thinking of you and sending strength.  :hug:
« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 04:20:00 PM by Sandra61 »

Offline Karena

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Re: Confused with life now
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2020, 12:40:57 PM »
Hi and welcome - its many years since i lost my mum hr loss wasn't the one that brought me here but her absence when my husband died was keenly felt and maybe why i ended up googling help and finding this place and i am so glad i did that because it has been a massive help - having people here who understand and having somewhere to be able to write.
There are still times i miss her of course and i still refer to what she would have said or done too as Sandra does.

 Of course life feels confusing now you mum was the foundations of your life and when they slide from under you then life becomes terrifying  you desperately look for something to cling too and its hard to see that thing.Grief and depression are linked and when you suffer from depression anyway it is very difficult to separate what is your "normal" and what is added too it by grief  - add to that the pressures of a loved one having cancer and everything that brings with it and stressed is too simple a term for how it can affect us.

Take one small step at a time - every little thing you do is an achievement at this point and you need to affirm that too yourself -because as you will know having some thing  which is physical injury that people can see has very different responses from them and usually far less empathy and as a result we put pressure on ourselves we shouldn't to react a certain way and feel even more lost when we cant do that.
The reality is you can no more expect to jump up and run a marathon just now than you could if you had badly broken a leg, and in just the same way healing takes time and is a gradual process which leaves us with a a life that is changed as the leg would perhaps leave a scar or a limp - but during that process we do find a way to move forward and take those we have lost with us.

For me the natural world was my other big help - a pivotal moment was when i was weeding and i suddenly became aware of the sun on my back and this robin singing so loudly it was as though it was defying me not to look up and grab that moment -and it was only a moment, but that's what i did i grabbed it and any others i found like it later on and clung on too them whenever the dark clouds caught up and tried to swallow me again. 

Keep coming back keep writing,we will be here as long as you need us to be. :hug:

Offline cardiffgirl80

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Re: Confused with life now
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2020, 12:03:28 PM »
Hello,
I lost my Mum during the lockdown and I am all over the place. I turned 40 in August and was told well next the change of life will happen and it will knock you sideways. For a long time I've got a burning temperature and feeling so run down. Endless blood tests have been normal but I feel like I am falling apart. People telling me to chill out and get over the loss, it's not that easy. I know the menopause will happen to me as all women but this isn't hot flushes, it;s like my body heating isn't working fully.

I plan to ask the doctors for more advice. I can't carry on like this. I want to be normal and enjoy my 40's. I just want my Mum. I need her in my life. She would be so helpful and understanding. I've got Aunties and cousins who have gone through it but I am not sure what is going on. I am a mess but keep smiling even if I am falling apart.

Offline Karena

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Re: Confused with life now
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2020, 03:39:52 PM »
 :hug: i also realized when i lost my mum that i had no idea what to expect and no one to talk too about the menopause = its scary but then everything is when you lose your mum no matter how old you get.
Grief can also create physical symptoms in us and we tend to focus one something and make it massive Perhaps this is where you focus has gone  thanks in part  to  the comment made to you about it
When i lost my mum it was the fact that at 40 i was now the oldest person left in the familly and the responsibility of that - how could i live up to being the go too person that she was that scared me.

 40 is on the young side for the menopause but not impossible by all means -so absolutely go and speak to your GP about it - perhaps the blood tests you already had were to check other things not specifically FSH which indicates that is the case -or perhaps it is the very early stages and that hasnt been triggered yet - but certainly feeling your body temperature doesnt regulate itself is something i have experienced - for some is night sweats and hot flushes but we are not all the same and it is not always as specific and it can change as you go through it.
Try not to worry about it too much  -  people have different experiences of it and at least it will end that monthly curse which for me was a blessing - but if it gets so bad that it impacts on your every day life you can go on HRT or there are other treatments now i think - i haven't needed too one of my friends has - the more information you have the better you  will feel about it - be careful of quack sites and old wives tales though - the NICE and NHS  website are ok but also if you want to send me a private message i can at least put a virtual arm around you and say me too.  :hug:

As for the other comments about your grief  - you dont just "get over it" and you should not be pressured too - how can you get over a lifetime of love and support being taken away but you do   get through it,  one day at a time one small step at a time and you will find ways to cope with the emotions and the massive gap in your life and to live with grief and for you this is a new journey and a road that you didnt want to be on but cant get off -and its fine you must not think its a set time or you have a choice about grief or that you are not matching others expectations its your grief and your journey not theirs.