Author Topic: Just to introduce myself  (Read 143 times)

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Offline Becca RS

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Just to introduce myself
« on: July 29, 2020, 11:34:31 PM »
My name is Rebecca. I lost my husband Stuart on Saturday, he had be ill at home for 8 weeks with what the Dr thought was allergies, however due to covid it was all done by phone. He had tried various medications but nothing seemed to have an effect and in some cases seem to make him worse. Dr recommended blood tests but there was a 10 day wait, he should have gone monday. He was breathless, exhausted, unable to sleep, loss of appetite and weak. On Friday Dr asked if he could get his BP done, we have a machine at home and it read 180/131 so was prescribed tablets. Took 1st one on friday evening and he went to bed early feeling a bit dizzzy. I went up a few hours later and he was then sick, we both thought it was just a reaction to the meds so we went to bed. He died in the night and i woke next to his dead body. It was like a horrible, awful nightmare. As it was a sudden death he has to have a PM, which makes me feel ill just mentioning. I wish I'd realised how sick he was and made him go to the hospital. (He hated Drs hospital etc) I feel guilty. He was 50 and I'm 46. I'm now losing my home and life as well as my husband and best friend for the last 19years. How do breath, move and carry on? I am totally destroyed.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2020, 11:42:48 PM by Becca RS »

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Just to introduce myself
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2020, 11:58:05 AM »
Oh Becca, how terrible. I am so  sorry. Sending you a heart-felt hug.  :hug: This is a huge shock for you, so please try to be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself or feel guilty. We all feel guilty when a loved one passes and can think of things we wish we had done looking back, but the truth is that you do the best you can with the information you have at the time. No one wants anything but the best for the their loved one, but we cannot see into the future and so we just try to do our best with the situation we are in at the time. You couldn't have known what would happen. It is not your fault.

Particularly in these difficult times. it is hard to get what you feel is adequate advice on any health issue and with the hospitals not functioning as normal, that is even harder. I am so sorry that this has resulted in your husband's death. A post mortem is an upsetting idea. We had to have one for my father too, and, like you, it upset me, but we have no control over that unfortunately. However, hopefully, when they determine the cause of death, this may bring you some closure. A better understanding of what happened usually helps a little.

I am also sorry to hear that this will impact on your being able to remain in your home. It always strikes me as so unfair that a loss can lead to so much additional uncertainty in life for those left behind, just at a time when they are already at their lowest. You have my sympathy.

How to breathe, move and carry on? Well, just one moment to the next for now. Try to make sure you eat and drink enough and do whatever helps, whether that is crying, looking at photos, writing down everything you have been through. All these things can help, but at this early stage, just making it from one moment to the next is hard enough.

You are not alone. We are here for as long as you need us. Sending strength.  :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: Just to introduce myself
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2020, 11:10:09 AM »
Hi Becca you must be so devastated at this.Grief is the hardest journey and the worst road we have all found ourselves on here, I know the idea of a PM is also horrendous but agree with Sandra as time goes on there will be questions over this that you need the answers too if they become available.From experience even if they are in hospital and we are sitting next too them it can still be really hard to try and understand why if all you heard was medical speak but also because you go nto shock so dont always take it in either.  so you still have those questions going round your head years later if they are not explained.

Guilt is a part of this too something we all find a way to pile on ourselves and wrap ourselves in -Mine is the opposite of yours - when my husband died of a stroke he was staying at his daughters and when i went to pick him up and realized something was wrong  (it was his second stroke) despite the fact he was looking forward to going home seeing his much loved dog and our garden - i insisted on calling an ambulance and promised we would just get him checked out at the hospital and then go home -and i meant it - i didn't realize how much worse he would get and what the outcome would be - but  he never got to go home again - and i felt so guilty that i had promised and then denied him that -  and of course when you turn it on its head i would also have felt guilty if i hadnt acted because i would never have known if he could have been saved which is where you are now. Even with a PM you may never be 100% sure whether you insisting he went to hospital would have made a difference - and i know it in no way makes up for his loss or the shock of waking up to find him gone but its something you will eventually make peace with yourself over -  none of us did anything with foresight all of us  whatever decisions we made we made only from love of them and the situation that was in front of us at the time. I also felt guilty for leaving him there i was away at my daughters wedding and he had insisted i did go but then my step daughter told me later she thought i would be angry with her and she didnt understand how i could forgive her  because she hadnt noticed and acted - and it never occurred to me to blame her in no way was it her fault, but she had put that guilt on herself too.

I also had to move one income wasnt enough for where we were living so i moved nearer to work and so also lost my community support they were all still there but  once i had done it i couldn't face going back to visit and seeing some-one else in our house - i have never been back since the day i packed the last stuff and locked the door but i did get another garden and set about recreating what we had built in miniature  and being outside being in the natural world and doing that helped  it took a couple of years before i realized it wasn't just the money - but i couldn't have managed there it was very remote and too big -  but also  i didn't feel i had left him behind in that house and that had been the biggest dread about moving but that i had brought him with me - and i still feel that - moving forward in any way at all  i am always taking him forward with me just not in the physical way tha doesn't mean i dont miss him or long for a hug sometimes or feel crushingly lonely sometimes but its an underlying air stream that keeps me afloat and gives me strength.

But this is such early days for you - the only way to cope is to get through each hour and each day any way you can and be kind too yourself - by which i dont just mean physical self care,  but dont put pressure on yourself to take giant leaps just take tiny steps and rest when you need too the same way you would with a devastating  physical injury. :hug:

This place was a great help for me - having people who understand and share the road - and just having somewhere to write - i wrote him letters and poems here because writing i think helps us make some kind of sense of the emotions that we cant verbally express - Grief is different for all of us but some things are also common too us and when you think you are going mad that you are not coping you are "grieving wrong" some-one here will know that same feeling. We will be here for you as long as you need us to be,   

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: Just to introduce myself
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2020, 10:03:48 AM »
Hello Rebecca, so very sorry for what has been a very traumatic time for you,hoping you will read this post,as I have noticed that many of us do not reply,just check in and view,which I totally understand,we all have a way of coping and so very much want to reach out but don't know how to....I still am in torment when my husband went into hospital and was put on life support,which went on for 66 days,I know this was something he never wanted,and he said to me many times,look love don't ever let me be on a machine keeping my body alive ,switch everything off...I couldn't and was there until the end when this happened,I am trying to live my life now on the good memories,and hope that he knew that I thought there was still hope for his recovery, I am broken beyond belief,but in honour of his memory he would truly not want me to just exist...I started to write most days just saying what was going on,how I felt and so on, and feel in time this may help,please do write on here as and when you can X