Author Topic: I've lost everything not just my husband  (Read 100 times)

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Offline Barney

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I've lost everything not just my husband
« on: July 13, 2020, 06:25:30 PM »
Mike died on 16th June in hospital.  i was unable to visit him for 2 weeks due to the Covid virus but we video messaged.  He was getting better when he died suddenly.  Everyone including hospital staff were shocked.  I was his 2nd wife of 40 years and have supported us both for the last 25 years after he was disabled following an unsuccessful back operation. He has 2 children from a previous marriage that i have known since they were very young and we have always been very close. After he died they rushed over from Australia for the funeral and to help me.  We had only moved in 7 months ago and everything was still a bit of a mess. They were a great comfort, preparing for the funeral, sorting the mountain of paperwork and clearing all the mess. Mike was a real hoarder but I thought he would prefer his son to sort his mancave than have some stranger rummaging around.  I didn't know what anything was worth or was being sold for but discovered his collection of clocks were worth 1000's and sold for 100's when someone travelled over 600 miles to collect them. Now I am alone I feel that my personal space has been violated.  They took all of Mikes sentimental things as we had no children ourselves to leave anything to. Instead of leaving me feeling better for the help I feel I have been unintentionally taken advantage of whilst at my most vulnerable. Now Mike has gone, the children are back in Australia and the house feels so empty of people and memories. Everything just seems so cold and I am so alone and lonely.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: I've lost everything not just my husband
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2020, 10:09:28 AM »
Welcome to this website, Barney. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely husband. Sending you a hug.  :hug:

I am so sorry to hear of the way his children have left you however. Sadly, it is not uncommon for relatives to do what you have described. If there is any particular object that meant a lot to you, it may be worth asking for it back. It is just possible that they might not have realised you would not want to part with it, though I would have hoped they would have asked you first before taking anything. I don't think it is worth parting with anything at such an early stage in the loss process. Often you are not in any state to know what you want to let go and what you want to keeps. Also, you may well not know the value of things and regardless of whether something may be worth a lot in terms of monetary value or not, you may find that something so insignificant stirs a particular memory and you find you want to keep it, even if it is something very silly and with no monetary value at all!

In terms of your memories, those can never be taken from you, nor the time you had with him. It is a very early point still for you in this ghastly grief process and getting used to someone not being there takes a very long time, sadly. You might find it helps bring back the better memories of him and the memory of his presence to make an album of favourite photos of him, if you have some of those left. I made one of my mum and it helped to be able to look at that when I was missing her. Others start a memory book and write down memories of the person they have lost that they can turn to to help them. It can be memories of actual things that happened or also of your memory of what made them laugh, their smile or the sound of their voice or little things they did. Revisiting places you went together too can help revive the good memories you have of your time together.

At least those memories are one thing that can never be taken from you, nor the love for him that you have and you will carry both with you, as a treasure that can never be taken from you for the rest of your life.

You are not alone here.  :hearts:

Offline Midnight Caller

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Re: I've lost everything not just my husband
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2020, 10:23:43 PM »
Good evening Barney,I just wanted to offer my heartfelt sorrow on the loss of your darling husband, I truly know the of feeling of emptiness as this is all still new to me and I wonder if the pain will ever ease, I have found writing a journal - you know as if I was talking to Andy,a comfort - this may help you too? I am sure your step children were just thinking they were helping but "sorting" out his possessions maybe was a bit too helpful,and too quick,all too much is done in a rush,because that is what is expected of us,and by the that I mean the official side - registrar - funeral and the expectations of organisations to do everything "yesterday" fill in mountains of paperwork,family and friends sometimes think clearing quickly is best,thereby eliminating bit by bit the essence of the love of your life,you have Mike in your heart and your head and will always do so and many lovely memories,which only you have. Sending a hug

Offline Karena

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Re: I've lost everything not just my husband
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2020, 09:33:11 AM »
Hi sending you a warm welcome.
When my husband died (he was also a bit of a hoarder) i gave a lot of things to my stepchildren but in my case because a lot of them were part of their lives before i was in it and had belonged to their mum - we were both widowed when we met - so its a different case  to yours - sometimes people do act like that with possessions and come swooping in like vultures it wasnt the case with my stepchildren and sorting through stuff became quite thera peutic because it helped them share their memory's with me.
 I also had to move house so i couldnt keep so much anyway  -Maybe your stepson should have got stuff properly evaluated before selling them but it could also be though that they were genuinely trying to help and didnt understand the personal value to you too.Its difficult to judge peoples incentives and more so when we are in a situation like this.
Over the years since my husband died i have found that the memorys in my head and heart and that time of being loved is what gives me strength and the things that were left that matter are  little everyday things that have more value because of those associations  - the valentines card done last minute in felt tip on a cereal packet is the sweetest card i ever had   - the tools and silly van bits and pieces  that used to drive me mad -  because they were never put away or thrown away took on a new value (i still have a couple of them but not the used brake pads or brocken exhausts)
The waterlilly he bought when i dug a pond  that survived that move afterwards and being shoved in a bucket while i dug a new pond which just keeps on going every year reminds me i brought him with me  and all the memories of things he said and did the funny the daft the slightly annoying  and the loving can not be taken away and the music he liked the cd,s we bought all initially too sad to listen too so hidden away in those early days  are now a great solace sometimes to cheer me up sometimes to remind me to be strong and sometimes that its ok to cry but iff they were somehow lost the music isnt.

 It didnt stop me being lonely and grieving - none of it - but it did remind me that i could survive that i was loved by him  and that he will always be a source of strength just in a different form.

My other source of strength was this place - all of us have lost different people but all of us are on this journey at different stages of the road. Its somewhere to write and writing in itself helps make sense of the often conflicting  emotions that can make us believe we are going mad or trying to plait fog and getting replys from others who have also had those things happen helps too - our grief is our own, but we are not alone in grieving.
We will be here as long as you need us.