Author Topic: How to cope....  (Read 107 times)

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Offline Leggy

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How to cope....
« on: February 05, 2020, 10:33:24 AM »
Hi ..my partner of 36yrs passed on Jan 10th after a short illness. How do you cope with doing things on your own for the first time? the uncontrollable sobbing at the most random time?
The emptiness is overwhelming..

Offline Karena

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2020, 12:40:04 PM »
 :hug: it is really early days and so very difficult my heart goes out to you.
You learn to cope one day at a time one tiny step at a time - to accept the uncontrollable sobbing will be part of you for some time to come and even later down the line  after a better day you may be back to doing that again the next - and however prepared you are for some things to be really upsetting others will swipe you sideways because you didnt see them coming - but you also accept that tears are because of love and we would never have wanted to not have the time we did and the love we had with that person no matter how high the price seems now.

Doing things on your own also takes time and we feel we cant do the things we once did together on our own because that would be worse so we have to find something new but what  because who will we share that with - everything felt hollow and pointless on my own.
I think i was about four months in when i was thinking about  actually longing for clarity for there to be some kind of afterlife - then i thought. but if there was once you have had the initial joyful meeting what kind of converstion would it be - what was the converstion before - for us that was what we did during the day what some-one said or did or how much we enjoyed doing/would like to do/would support the other one to do because the idea terrifies us things - so if i sit here and do nothingi it might be a very short conversation and not just that but he might be quite upset with me after he faught for his life,and  i simply threw mine away .
But i couldnt see a point in mine or me at the time, so i decided i was going to live his for him be his eyes on the world - i was going to go back and hang out at our favourite places and plant wild daffodils there so he would know i had been - climb cader idris for him,keep his little campervan on the road for him - and zipwire a gorge (thats the one i would have watched him do) - and in a way i have been doing that ever since (not the gorge never agin  ) but because those other things were also what i loved.  life is horrific enough when you loose them  -so  why would we take away the things that could make us feel better if only for a short time.
It wasnt easy it was a long hard  battle to get to be able to do it, but i think because in my mind i was doing it for him it made me fight the battles.
Finding this place helped - somewhere to write things down so i could even understand my own feelings -but also some where that other people were on the same journey who understood and who helped me see i wasnt losing the plot. There were always some way ahead on the road who reached back grabbed a hand and created a safety net and over time some i reached back too to do the same.We are not quailified to counsel anyone on  paper but we are all qualified by our own experience of this and will be here as long as you need us.     

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2020, 12:13:27 PM »
Sending you an understanding hug, Leggy.  :hug: It was my mum I lost, but your short post takes me right back to those first months without her. We lived together and had done for most of my life. The house is very quiet now and more than two years on, there are fewer tears as acceptance has sunk in, but that lost feeling in that first year or so was always there and learning to build a new life on my own, whilst in so much pain and struggling to cope was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You can only do it one day at a time, one minute at a time in the early days. Just try to make sure you look after yourself, eat and drink enough and try to find anything that helps and that will be enough for now. It does slowly improve, but that is largely a matter of self-help and then you find there are eventually more good days than bad ones, but you will take your own time to reach that point. You will find a way forward, but be patient with yourself as you do. You learn to live with grief, and slowly, it fades into the background, but never goes away, just becomes part of who you are, but life still moves forward and you rebuild from ground zero. You learn to cope and to deal with a life and you that is changed and different to the one you had when your lost loved one was still here. Take care and keep talking to us. We here have all lost someone and will understand and help as best we can.  :hearts:

Offline Leggy

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2020, 03:36:38 PM »
Thank you Sandra for the kind words and advise, we had Kay's funeral yesterday with over 200 people in attendance, she touched  a lot of people's hearts.
Today is just empty friends and family have gone home, I know that they are always calling but it does not help the emptiness.
I just think that I must of done something wrong as in the last 7 months I have lost not only Kay, but my Mum, Sister in law and Aunty. Life really does know how to kick you when your down.
I tried to read the book of condolence that Kay's work produced, could only read 1 page as it made me too upset, don't know when I shall be able to read.
How the hell am I going to move on from this!!!

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2020, 07:39:42 PM »
Oh I am sorry to hear about your multiple losses.  :hearts: That will be hitting you hard. One close loss is bad enough, not to mention so many others. I do feel for you.  :hug: All you can do is deal with one day at a time. Try to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it.

The emptiness is hard to face and it does become so noticeable once the funeral is over and you have little to do to occupy your thoughts. There are of course all the practical things to deal with too, but it is all so hard to face when the pain of the loss is still so fresh and raw.

Keep talking to us on here. There is bound to be someone who will be able to help. Personally, I find it helps to keep the lights on after dark and to have the TV or radio on or just to play some music. It does help you to feel a little less isolated. If you are up to it and have any kind friends who invite you out for a coffee or something, do try to go too. It will be good to get out of the house.

It helped me too to have some flowers around and to put an album of pictures of my mum together. Perhaps you might try doing something like that.

Let us know how you get on. Sending strength and support.  :hearts: :hug:

Offline SarahB

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2020, 09:45:35 AM »


I feel like this too Leggy. I've lost my Dad (when I was 23) and recently my Mum too. I'm angry and bitter at my friends because they have lost no one. I don't understand the lack of fairness. I too feel I've done something to deserve it but everyone says I haven't and it's just the way it is. 

Sending you love and strength

Sarah

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2020, 10:20:11 AM »
Of course you haven't done anything wrong and certainly don't deserve so many sad things to have happened to you in such a short time. Life just isn't fair. People die at all different ages, and I have noticed that these things, as the saying says, do tend to 'come in threes'. It can be just that some people are in the same age bracket and all pass around the same sort of time, but I have known people who died at lots of different ages, 16, early 30's, 70's, 80's and 90's and do know one person who is still going at 103! There is no rhyme or reason to things in life. Things just are the way they are and we have to just accept that and try to make the best of it and be grateful for the time we had with that person, no matter how short or long that was. It's no one's fault and we don't all have the same experiences of life and there's no point to look for any justice, or fairness or sense to it. You will never find any. Things just happen as they do and you have to do the best you can to cope with it all.

Sending strength.  :hug: :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2020, 10:48:40 AM »
  :hug:I was talking too a woman who,like me had been widowed twice - she said we must have done something wrong in a formr life - and that mirrored pretty much what i was thinking - i opened my mouth to say so, but what came out instead was that perhaps if such a thing as that kind of Kharma exists, because the people we had lost were very special good people, and not everyone is lucky enough to have those kinds of people around us, that it wasnt punishment but privalege not only to have had them in our lives but to be the person who is caring for them at the end of their lives.
It suprised me when i said it but i have tried to think that way ever since i did.

Offline Leggy

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2020, 11:10:47 AM »
This is my first day back at work, and these posts are very timely, as my mind is starting to wonder!!

I have also had a couple of calls from friends that too had loved ones taken too early, which is a nice touch to have some comfort out there. I know that people say that we have to be strong, but good god its tough. Just need to get through the rest of the day and then face the empty house later!!!

Offline SarahB

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Re: How to cope....
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2020, 03:12:49 PM »


Good luck! I found my first day back at work daunting but was soon happy to be among familiar and friendly faces. On the odd day it just gets too much and I have to ask for some time to myself.  :hearts: