Author Topic: ACHY BREAKY HEART  (Read 806 times)

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Offline Jill

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ACHY BREAKY HEART
« on: November 29, 2019, 04:10:12 PM »
If my beliefs are right, and I hope they are, my husband is not in any pain whatsoever, surrounded by people he loves, including his lovely sister and can pop in and see anyone here whenever he likes.  So I can't be mourning for him?  It doesn't seem to work that way though.  I walk around with a heavy heart, feeling sad and just wishing he was here. 

We used to say we didn't mind anything as long as we were together.  I was apart from him for a night or two once or twice during our marriage and I just used to run into his arms as I missed him so much.  New Years Eve we didn't need to go anywhere as long as we were together that was all that mattered.  I would just go and do some jobs in the garden and he was there to say something nice when I came in.  I would go out to the shops and when I came back he was so pleased to see me.  I miss all that so much. And now I think what's the point of buying nice clothes.   I know this sounds like self pity and it probably is!!  It's just having someone who gives a damn.  I have bad days and really bad days and this is a really bad day.  Does anyone know what I am ranting on about? 

Offline Karena

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2019, 11:11:09 AM »
yes absolutely i do know - we were very much like that as well - in 2009/10 the village road was cut off with snow and ice for  7 weeks which meant i had a 4 mile hike in bad weather in the dark across fields -carrying food supplies -and he was always there, fire lit tea on the go and i would be really struggling sometimes crying with the cold and wet etc but then i would see his torch coming along the lane to meet me and suddenly everything was ok - like you say, your heart still speeds up like teenagers with a crush - and  i would be in the garden and he would appear with a cup of tea - he had a habit of leaving bits of vehicle around the house - one was a brocken heater matrix from the camper van left on the kitchen windowsill - i did one of those things we sometimes do  not a row but a petty argument -about how i,m not moving everything all the time ( like the socks in the linen basket scenario which also didnt work if i didnt pick them up he just left them on the floor knowing i would cave in before he did because it would be my nerves they were getting on.)
I put a post it note on the heater matrix  saying "move me" - came home and he had put a rose in the tube bit and a post it saying love you - so of course the thing stayed there and became a bit if a joke leaving notes or things in the tube bit -me dusting it and putting it back - its those little things that really get to you - and i,m sorry but if thats self centred then i am self centred too  - but i dont think it is, even when we believe they are somewhere pain free their loss means we are not,  our world has become pain filled -  its a different type of pain but it is still pain.
 
The thing is over time though of course we still miss them but those memorys of the little things also become the things that we smile over probably much more than the big things - digging a pond at the new house i knew he wasnt going to appear with a cup of tea and burst into fits of laughter like he did with the old one -because his idea of a pond wasnt quite the massive lake i had dug out and was now standing in up to my waist looking like swampy - but even though i knew that it wasnt going to happen again  the memory of that moment made me smile as i was digging the new one - and i was kind of doing it for him because he used to love sitting by the pond despite complaining about its eventual size - in my head as i made the new garden into a mini replica of the old one i think i was thinking because i have created the pond it will be a way he can find me.
 
So thats the  point of buying nice clothes  - if you believe he can pop in and see the the people he loves then buy them for you but buy them for him to see as well,and  for those reading this who dont believe that is a possability  look at it another way - doing something for yourself doesnt make you a bad person - we think life cant get worse than it is and we know nothing will bring them back and we then punish ourselves even more by not doing anything for ourselves - whether thats nice clothes -going to the hairdresers,eating properly or going and doing something we used to love to do.

I started the dolphin watching -he went along with the idea and came to love doing it as well  it was very much something we did together, but him not being there didnt mean i couldnt still love the dolphins or that i stopped caring about them enough to volunteer any more,- its the same with clothes or anything else that you used to love, its ok to still love that, in fact it might be your salvation a first step on a very long and bumpy road. :hug:

Offline Jill

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2019, 02:08:41 PM »
Thanks for your kind reply Karena.  Yes I can see you totally understand what I am saying and that is good to know.  You and I seem to have quite a few things in common.  We used to live in South Wales before we came here, although I didn't go as far as the dolphins.  My favourite childhood book was The Secret Garden.  I love animals, especially cats and birds (even though they are deadly enemies)  You quite often mention things and I think gosh what a coincidence.  I am having a better day today and have been out this morning.  Because I am moving house I have just had to look at everything and it's when I come across future plans we had written down together and things like that, it's very upsetting, harrowing even.  I feel like before I could be a girl/woman, whereas now I have to be a mature independant, responsible woman all the time.  Having said that I did buy some pink iced doughnuts with sprinkles on them this morning! Thanks for understanding.  Jill

Offline Jill

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2019, 07:15:25 PM »
Oh Karena, another thing we have in common is I have dug out a fish pond too.  Not a big one though.  There is a lovely little fountain in our garden as well, which I adore.

Offline Karena

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2019, 04:48:14 PM »
mine is wildlife rather than fish -but  this one isnt as big as the last - One of the myriad of jobs that seem to be piling up to do over the xmas break as it needs doing before the froggys come back, is going to be draining and re-lining it, as some-ones dog seems to have put a hole in the lining - put it this way the dog went in the pond the level dropped  - maybe co-incidence - they dont usually get in but one of the ones i look after sneaked past the fence.- there is a chance while i am doing that, it might grow a bit more and a bit deeper now the grandkids are old enough not to fall in :whistle:  but i have more plans than garden space now. still got to fit a chicken coop and a polytunnel somewhere.:rofl:

I know finding things like lists is so difficult and when youre packing to move you cant not find them, but maybe keep that one because  once the move is over you might find you still want to do some of them -and that could be your starting point and then something which brings more than tears. I had a box for that kind of stuff and the cd,s with songs on i knew would upset me if i put them on - i just kept it packed and away in the back of a cupboard until i felt stronger . :hug:

Offline Jill

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2019, 05:07:44 PM »
Hi Karena,  That makes sense, sticking them in the back of a cupboard.  We have photos on the computer but I haven't looked at them at all.  Just can't do it.  But hopefully in years to come I will be able to.  I do have some nice happy photos of me and my husband about the house.  They are a comfort.  There is quite a large pond in our hamlet so the dragonflies make their way here sometimes, they are lovely.  I saw a toad some months back when I moved something.  I am giving the birds plenty of food now, they are really hungry in this cold weather.  Thanks for your reply, means a lot.

Offline Karena

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2019, 11:32:57 AM »
I saw a massive toad hopping about in the road outside the house a few weeks ago looking totally lost and obviousely in danger - you should have seen the horrified expressions on peoples faces when i picked it up - :rofl: -took it back to my garden where i assume it is hanging round sheltering - i havnt seen it since - will probably jump out and give me a fright one day.

You will be able too look at photos again but take your time you will know when you feel right about it. I have one of him from our honeymoon as a screensaver at work so i see it every day -we went to Turkey to a village and were walking up a track to some ruins -he sat down on a rock and said take a photo of me - so i did thinking it was the view that was the atrraction - but it turned out what i hadnt seen was the foliage just behind him  was a massive cannaabis plant - just growing wild in the middle of nowhere  - so i guess i picked that one again because it was something we laughed about  :hug:

Offline Jill

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2019, 05:08:36 PM »
I think you are right about the photos.  It's when you come across things unexpectedly in particular, that it's like a punch in the stomach.  But today has been nice surprises.  I had a lovely drawing from one of my granddaughters and I also saw a picture of their lovely Christmas tree that they have decorated beautifully.  Made my day.  Glad you saved the toad.  I think you have helped to rescue some of the people on here as well.

Offline Karena

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2019, 01:18:47 PM »
 :hug: Grandkids can be such a tonic - i have four grandsons and one grandaughter - plus three stepgrandsons and one stepgranduaghter who are gown up) my little grandaughter  lives in south africa at the moment so its all whatsapp,  but she was making star biscuits yesterday wearing a crown and a cloak -( she likes to think she is a princesss) I said to my eldest grandson last night i might put the decorations up this weekend - he stays with me in the week while he is doing his gcse,s but goes to either his mums or dads at weekends - he looked quite disapointed and then said - if you dont get them all up before sunday night i can help you finish off next week.I was a bit puzzled about it but the penny dropped later.
   
I dont really do xmas anymore i get them presents of course, but after Keith died i decided i would drop out but have new traditions and save myself the upset of trying to do normal christmas  -so  basically adopted some pagan ideas and dropped the whole stressy commercial thing and i genuinly think it worked for me, now, its some-one elses party and i am just a guest at bits of it  - but i do my own thing instead. New year (samhain) is about letting in the light  and at midnight depending on the weather i either have an outddor fire and sit outside with a blanket or light a candle - to me it is symbolic of taking him with me into the next year.
 
As part of xmas though i used to decorate an outside tree with birdfood bells and stars and strings of popcorn everything wildlife friendly -and the grandkids would come round and help make them, then the older ones put them on the tree, (the only time theyre allowed to climb it and under supervision even then)  then we had hot chocolate with the trimmings round the fire pit afterwards - ( well i couldnt really feed them mead or hot spiced cider could i ?  )  but the younger two are always busy now where they live weekends filled with rugby and xmas partys etc  and the two who live nearer i imagined were too old now - so i wasnt going to bother this year -  when i said last night put the decorations up i just meant the tiny tree, the four fairys, a few shiny baubles in a glass bowl and some evergreens from the garden in a vase - which is my usual indoor effort (or rather lack of effort) -
but it looks like i  like i might have too re think now  -  :rofl: actually  i,m quite glad he isnt too grown up yet - maybe he will be like me and never grow up too much -in which case  i will dig the old sledge out - and have some real fun if it snows this year.
 

Offline Jill

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2019, 03:51:38 PM »
Hi Karena,  Well technically I have a son of my own, three step-children and thirteen step-grandchildren.  But I really don't think of them as step anything, especially as they have been such a 'comfort?' not sure of the word, in these last four months. Yes children do bring joy to Christmas.  You can't ignore Christmas when there are young people about!  I like your new traditions, especially lighting a candle on New Years Eve and giving the birds a Christmas to remember.  It feels cold enough for snow here at the moment but I am a bit of a woos.

Offline Karena

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2019, 12:21:50 PM »
wow you beat me on the number of grandkids. :rofl:
The weather here is appalling not as cold as last week, but i got soaked to the skin last night walking home, spent the night listening to the wind and the bangs and crashes praying the new anonymous sound around the chimney was my imagination and it isnt going to fall down -went out this morning before work to clear up the debris of what used to be a tomato house (thank goodness i didnt put the polytunnel up) then got another soaking on my way into work - and just as i wrote that, i heard another loud gust looked up at the office window and it appears there is snow or something white and wet going past - horizontally though. :rofl:

Offline Jill

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2019, 03:00:12 PM »
We used to live very close to the sea and the wind used to just blow in one direction but here it goes round in circles and it is most disconcerting!  The only good thing I can say about it all is 'it is a good job you didn't put the polytunnel up', at least that's something.

Offline Karena

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2019, 12:43:02 PM »
well the white stuff lasted about 2 minutes - very disapointing.

I have always really loved the sea - i learned to swim off the coast of Northubria (back when i was young enough not to care about the cold so much) i think i would be more fussy now about the North sea temperatues, but i have been known to swim off the coast of wales in late October it is far more fogiving. :rofl: 

Offline Jill

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2019, 12:58:42 PM »
A good bracing walk is enough for me nowadays!

Offline Karena

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Re: ACHY BREAKY HEART
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2019, 10:53:37 AM »
a walk to work is enough for me - although with the current wather that can be bracing at times too.
Although i worry my witch tendancys /desire to find heathcliff striding over the moors to sweep me off my feet has me sometimes not resisiting the temptation to walk at night if its a full moon with enough wind to have clouds scurrying across it (preferably a warm wind)  and i suspect if heathcliff actually put in such an appearance i would run like the wind as well - in the opposite direction :rofl: