Author Topic: Feeling lost  (Read 802 times)

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Offline Nikki19

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Feeling lost
« on: November 26, 2019, 09:19:00 PM »
Hi
I'm Nikki and on 13th November it was 2 years since I lost my big brother and on 18th December it will also be 2 years since I lost my dad. They died 5 weeks apart.
Since they died I've been lost and also very angry, my anxiety and depression have been all over the place and at times I feel very alone. I worry people think I should be feeling better about things since its 2 years but it feels like yesterday to me.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2019, 09:55:40 PM »
Welcome nikki  :hug:  theres no time limit on grief, our journey takes longer than we imagine. Hope you find the forum a source of support, it helps to be able to 'talk' things through
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2019, 11:05:55 AM »
Hi Nikki so sorry you needed to find us but a warm welcome now you are here. :hug:
 People sometimes have  a misconception that once you get the first year over with - first anniverarys, birthday, christmas etc thats it done - basically because people put things in slots they cant bear things that jump out of the file in the filing cabinet - and the Victorians invented the year of mourning for nothing more than practical reasons - you could re-marry after a year nothing less would be considered indecent and scandelous, too much longer and if you were a young lady for example your male guardian could marry you off. You wore black for a year as a sign of respect -  but also a public statement of your status as a mourner  - it could be full black if you were closely related or a black armband if it was the master and you were the servant.The irony is Victoria herself wore black for the rest of her life - so was telling people they had it wrong - but that was not convenient for society.

So when we live in the real world and experience grief itself we find ourselves at odds with what society thinks and what we believed ourselves. Many people who have come here over the years have also been shocked that they have found the second year more difficult - but i think it is not necessarilly because it was more difficult, but because others think it shouldnt be we then start to question ourselves and try and tell ourselves it isnt ok to still feel how we do - and that makes us feel worse than the year before when we were accepting our emotional state was ok.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Feeling lost
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2019, 01:02:41 PM »
Hello Nikki,

So sorry to hear about your two recent losses. That must be very hard to bear and I am not surprised to hear that you feel alone and are suffering so.

I think one of the things that helped me most to deal with such feelings was to put pen to paper and write down how I felt about what happened when I lost my mum recently. I wrote down all the thoughts and feelings I had about those last weeks of her life and how I felt about the things I did and how I felt at those times and acknowledged any failings on my part and it did help get those feelings out of my system and made me feel better. I went on to keep a diary, writing down how I felt each day and that has helped too. I think you have to find an outlet for the pressure that all these feelings place on you and once you do, it helps to relieve the pressure. Some people find this in couselling. I found it in writing. I also wrote a couple of poems about it at the time and that helped too. I know some people write letters to their lost loved ones and find that helps them.

It also helped to take up a new activity to take me out the house and out of myself and made me think about something else for a couple of hours a week and that did seem to give me a break from grieving. Grieving is exhausting and overwhelming and I think you do have to try to find a way to counterbalance those feelings for a little while.

Nothing will bring back those you have lost, so grief is partly about finding a way to live with what has happened and to be able to live with it. You will need to find strategies to help you do that. As well as the writing, I found it helps to have flowers around as it reminds me there are still good things in the world and they helped to lift my spirits. Walking in the park helps similarly with that.

Grief is one of the hardest most destructive things we ever have to face in my view, so you have to be kind and be patient with yourself, Nikki. It is unlikely others will understand unless they have been through it and often they do expect you to be 'over it' within  the space of a few months, but the truth is that you will always be grieving, because you will always miss those you have lost and always love them, so it is more about finding a way to live with that loss and still live. Try to find some things that work for you and talk to us here. We have all lost someone and understand how you feel. We are here for as long as you need us. Sending you strength and an understanding hug.  :hug: :hearts: