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Offline LucyLocket

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« on: November 09, 2019, 10:47:12 PM »
Hi I'm Lucy.

I lost my mum to cervical cancer on 17th December 2018, she was 47. It's approaching her one year anniversary and I'm struggling massively.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: New...
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2019, 10:32:41 AM »
Welcome to this site, Lucy. Sending you strength and an understanding hug.  :hug:

I lost my own mum two years ago now. The time has flown by! It was her anniversary a couple of weeks  ago and I have learnt that the anniversaries are the hardest times to bear. For me, the worst are the anniversaries of the events leading up to her passing - when she fell so ill I had to call the ambulance, the transfer from one hospital to another, the day the doctors told me she wasn't going to get better, the day she died. I now dread the onset of September and October in particular, as I have lost three relatives during the month of October over the years, so find October particularly hard as have three anniversaries to face within days of eachother.

I wish I could tell you something that would help, but I haven't yet found anything that does and find myself close to tears most of the time on those days and involuntarily recalling the memories of the events of those days as they come round. I am not sure much can be done to help this and perhaps you have to just ride it out! I take flowers to the grave and have a mass said for them (I am religious) and I try to look at photos and talk to their pictures to let them know I am thinking of them and to help me recall the happier times we spent together.

I think we naturally struggle around times of anniversaries and also birthdays, Christmas and any other significant days. This is part of how grief changes you. The times you looked forward to spending happy times with them in the past become tainted for us knowing that they will not be with us the next time these times come round. A lot of people dread Christmas due to this problem. For myself, I set up a tree and use the evenings to sit and recall the happy times we had together with the tree lights on and that's about the best I can do so far. Maybe it will get better as time goes by. I suppose I will find out.

I suppose what I am trying to say, Lucy, is that this is a common problem for us all who have lost someone and we just have to get through it as best we can. Just do whatever helps. If it helps to release balloons in their memory, do that. If it helps to visit a place you went to where you have special memories of spending time with your mum, you could try that. That does make me smile sometimes, whilst still feeling sad. If it helps to go the grave, if there is one, do that.

Grief is a journey that carries on throughout your life, but it varies in intensity at different times and is something you get more used to over the years.  I won't say it is something you 'get over', because you don't. You learn to live with it and in that sense, it gets easier, because you come to accept that it is part of you and that you will never stop loving or missing the person you have lost, but the thing to hold on to is that you had so many more happy years with them than sad times and the end of their life only made up a small proportion of the time they had here. Be grateful for the good memories and try to bring those to the fore. They made up the majority of their life and our memories will always be there and so will our love for them.

Tell us whatever you wish here, Lucy. No one will judge or be shocked! We have all been there and are all stumbling our way along the road, hopefully, towards some degree of recovery. Thinking of you.   :hearts:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: New...
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2019, 07:59:59 AM »
Anniversaries are hard, in time they will get easier, I'm 6 years along in my journey. :hearts:

Plan what feels right to you - that could be time with friends/family to reminisce, or time alone if you prefer. Do something that brings comfort to you. Often the day itself is not as awful as our minds imagine, the worst day has already happened.   

There's many beautiful things you can do in memory - write a message and float it on a river, write a message on a pebble and throw it in to the sea, light candles, plant something, all sorts.  Please think twice before considering anything like a balloon release or Chinese lanterns, it's horrible to see the damage/danger they cause to wildlife

Sending you a hug  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: New...
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2019, 11:22:40 AM »
Hi Lucy. I lost my mum in 2004 and still miss her of course and anniversarys are always difficult at first. but i have found firstly they are not as awful as we expect the build up is worse but that doing something positive helps because try as we might we cant really ignore them and pretend it isnt what day it is either. Before she died she stayed with us and because she loved watching the birds we put feeders near to the window so she could see them - after she died my husband created a corner in the garden with the feeders and a water feature he made himself and her favourite plants - somewhere i could go to grieve and to remember her but also a peaseful spot - i used to go and have my early morning pre work coffee there so i could start the day in a peaceful frame of mind.When my hisband die i had to move but brought what i could with me and recreated that corner in the new garden.

I came here after losing my husband to a stroke  more recently - he loved spring and spring flowers so i planted wild daffodils on his birthday in october,so they would be flowering on the anniversary of him dying in february - so going to see them flower was my first anniversary thing - i still go back every year - as part of the funeral we had floated daffodils down the river nearby - because the river went past most of the places he had ever lived - and because there were his grandkids and other kids from the camping group that were close too him there. We wanted to make the funeral not too sombre so they would remember him as fun loving grandad and kids will always find the fun in running water. and  they also saw that as a means to send him little notes or flowers as well and it has become a favourite familly picnic spot in summer as well since them and the ones i planted are close to there -  and those grandkids that have been born since know it as grandads spot so they in a sense are also remembering him.
So in looking for something to do to get through that first anniversary i was maybe not consciousely, creating something which would become a lasting memorial and for the children its not like a headstone where you have to be quiet and respectful but somewhere there would be fun in future years as well.
Not everyone has access to a garden or a river but planting anything i think helps - whether thats a window box or just a tub - i also have a tub of spring bulbs - planted at this time of year in layers so there is always something coming up in spring and then i can put annuals on top when they die back - a kind of perpetual life  - it reminds me of him but also that through the darkest of winters which is this horrible grief journey spring brings us renewal we can pick ourselves up and move forward taking the memorys of them and happier times surounding them with us.
Also to reiterate what Emz said - chinese lanterns - but also releasing balloons can cause a lot of damage to wildlife and  hadnt even considered them until i met a turtle who had been rescued after they made it float -so it not only couldnt feed but got thrown up onto rocks and its shell was brocken - this one was lucky and survived with a lot of care but others may not be -  so for me, considering my mum and my husband loved wildlife it wasnt an option - but if sending something skyward appeals - one alternative i did read about was to use a bubble machine and send bubbles instead.