Author Topic: 3 months on...  (Read 111 times)

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Offline bek-jane

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3 months on...
« on: November 04, 2019, 02:27:36 PM »
Hi, I'm Bek, my mom lost her battle with Cancer 3 months ago, she was my best friend, we did everything together, I lived with her, our social life was each other, our passion for fashion and eating out. her death was a shock, one moment she was allowed to come, the next she died in my arms, I wont go into her traumatic death as im not sure I can type how it happened without breaking down.

I am currently surrounded by my moms belongings, people ask, why haven't you packed it all up. well, the simple reason is I live there, everything as its place, my moms room is as it was left, minus the drying washing.

it was me and mom against the world, very little family and well my friends railed round before the funeral, popped in with sugary treats to keep me going, tried to get me out. after the funeral which was in August, the support pretty much zero, i totally understand they all have their own lives to lead and well, it does go back to noraml for outsiders doesnt it, but for me well the grief is just setting in, the longing to talk and hug my mom, to kiss her good night.

the loniless unbearbale, i work, go home to an empty house, well back to three dogs who were my moms loves, again people ask, why dont you get rid of them. i just cant, yes they are hard work, i tend to never want to leave them, but in all seriousness they are all i have.


i am hoping to hear other peoples expereince of grief early on and years passing and hope that me feeling like im just exisiting is normal.

thank you for reading and any advise is welcome.

Bek



Offline Sandra61

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2019, 11:37:31 PM »
Hello Bek, so sorry to hear about your mum. Sending you a welcome hug.  :hug:

You sound a lot like me, minus the dogs and  the way your mum died. I too lived with my mum and was her carer for many years. She had a heart condition and died of a cerebral haemorrhage in October 2017 in hospital. It was the worst time of my life and much of how you describe feeling sounds very familiar to me.

The last two years have been very hard indeed, not just because I have been grieving, but also because of all the fall-out that resulted from her passing. I found it all very stressful to cope with on top of my grief, but being almost two years on from where you are now, I can say I have coped well I think and no longer cry every day, and have found things to help me want to get up each day. That has been a journey of discovery and being without mum has been a painful period of adjustment.

I think the worst things in the early days, as you say, are coming home to an empty house and walking into the room to see the chair she always sat in empty. I find it helps to leave a light on, so that the house isn't dark when I get back, though perhaps you already do that for the dogs. I also found it helped a lot in the early months to have flowers about the house. They lifted my spirits somehow, as does walking in the park, where I can sit and try to come to terms with it all and process my thoughts and feelings. I find it calming to sit in the park and have peace and nature around me.

I think we all go through the experience of people not being around once the funeral has come and gone and just leaving us to get on with it. I found it helped to take up a new interest that got me out of the house and gave me something to look forward to each week. I also made some new friends there who have been a great support for me.

I too left everything much as my mum left it in her room. I only really made any major attack on tidying things away in there yesterday, and only then because I have to have the windows repaired in there at the moment and so had to make it accessible for the builders. I still have most of her stuff.  I find it hard to sort through her things, but that does get a little easier in time. I find now, I can get rid of some of the things she rarely used or wore. I still can't get rid of anything she wore or used regularly however as they still feel like a link to her and have memories attached to them. That is fine though. You don't need to rush any tasks like that, especially not just because someone else thinks you should. You must take your own time with things and this is still very recent for you, so I would not expect you to be in any way ready to start tackling that task yet.

I am glad you have the dogs. I think they must be a comfort and a help to you. At least they are a link to your mum and another presence in the house and pets are always a help, I think.

This is a long slow and difficult journey Bek and it will take as long as it takes, but don't expect it to get better in weeks. It is more likely to take months or years. I found it got worse before it started to get better and I am still working on coming to terms with it now. If you read the posts on here, you will find it takes most people years to move forward and involves many ups and downs along the way. But that is normal and ok. There is no time limit on how long it takes, but this kind of a loss changes you and changes your world, your outlook on everything and your future and so you can't expect it be over and sorted quickly. I don't think you ever really stop grieving. You just learn to live with the grief somehow and rebuild your world around it. It does get better, but it will never go away. I doubt there will ever be a time when you can say you are over it. I lost my dad more than thirty years ago and I still think of him every day and miss him.

Life does however go on and what we make of it is up to us, but there is no right or wrong way to grieve and no set time it takes to do it. Just be grateful for the wonderful times you spent with your mum. The memories of those times will come back and the bad memories recede a little as time goes on, but what you have to hold on to is the fact that you both had that time together and that she will never be truly gone from you because the memory of her will live on in your heart and your mind and your love for her will never be gone, nor hers for you. You will find a way forward, but give yourself time and be patient with that. It will only happen little by little. Keep talking to us here whenever you wish. There is always someone about to offer some good advice and sympathy. You are not alone.  :hearts:

Offline bek-jane

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2019, 08:52:13 AM »
Morning Sandra, thank you for your response, I do believe the grief becomes apart of you, and I do believe it gets worse before it gets better. losing my mom means im losing my home as we live in a council property, they told me this a week after my mom died, so I felt I didn't have the time to grieve, now I have got my head around it, I feel its hit me now. Friday evenings wed go to our local shopping centre, but things we didn't need, have a coffee and cake, Saturday wed have a day out, sunday wed choose somewhere new every week to go out for sunday lunch, all of those things we both looked forward to each week are never going to happen again, never going to see me fall in love, get married, have children. all these things are now hitting me.


she was 58, we always thought we had more time. she completed six week radiotherapy treatment, she had throat cancer so couldnt eat or talk, had a peg in her belly but she never moaned, she was doing really well, then she was struggling with her breathing, she had severe COPD. the two combined, the steriods she was givien made teh vessels weaken in her throat caing a bleed, follwoed by another bleed, both stopped on their own, unfortunately the third bleed she wasnt so lucky. we were getting ready for bed at the hospital and she coughed, within seconds she was choking on her own blood, i just wish i could of done more, at first i blamed myself, why didnt i lean her forward etc. but as the weeks go on i am tryign not to let it consume me.

i have joined the facebook group yesterday aswell, ifeel the support from this site will really help me on my journey.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing your expereience with me.

Bek xx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2019, 09:53:02 AM »
Oh Bek, I'm so sorry, that sounds horrendous. I look back on those last weeks when my mum was in hospital as the days of hospital horror. They seemed like a nightmare to me and now I try not to have to go anywhere near that hospital. I don't even want to see it. It just represents lots of horrible memories to me now.

I am sorry you are losing your home too. Do you have a plan to cope with that? I was afraid I would have to move too, but luckily, have so far managed to avoid that. It was a terrible additional stress to have to cope with just to think I might have to move, so I can imaging the stress you are under now, having to contemplate it. I always think loss is so terrible on it's own, but it also has so many unexpected repercussions and you have to end up coping with all sorts of other consequences that you did not expect and struggle to cope with whilst grieving as well. It is the worst time of your life. I hope you have somewhere to go and hopefully help in packing up to move.

Try to take care of yourself. You are going through a really stressful period having to make all these changes in your life all at the same time and whilst grieving too. Make sure you eat and drink enough and make sure you put up a lovely picture of your mum somewhere in your new home, so that your mum can have pride of place and you can think of her and talk to her whenever you need to. It may sound silly, but I do still talk to my mum and dad's pictures and tell them about my day and where I'm off to when I go out. Do you have a new place lined up?

I am glad you are also using the Facebook group. You get quite immediate responses there, so that part of the site is helpful too, but you can say more and get useful reflective responses here from other members too, so I would recommend you keep using both.

It is normal to feel like you are just existing at the moment. You are probably still in shock and as you say, you had a lovely routine going with your mum and your trips out and now you have to adjust to the fact that everything has changed and cope with all these unwanted additional changes on top of that. It is very hard. Once you are settled, try to think of the things you would like to do with your time and start trying to build a new life for yourself that helps you fulfil some of those wishes and ambitions. I am sure your mum will be proud of the way you will cope and the things you achieve in your future and if you believe in an after-life, you want to make sure you have lots to tell her about when you do meet again! Anyway, that's how I am trying to look at it and approach this new phase in my life. You are going through the hardest part now, so lean on whoever you can, even if it is only us, for as long as you need to.

Best wishes and good luck with the move.  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2019, 10:52:22 AM »
 :hug: Hi bek so sorry you lost your mum like that - i think those guilt feelings affect us all and are a part of grief when in reality there was never a right or wrong and if you had done what you think may have been the right thing you would still now be thinking what you did was the wrong thing - thats the way this cruel journey gets too us - my husband had a second stroke i could see what had happened but he just wanted to go home see his beloved dog and be in the place he loved but  i called an ambulance promising we would go home as soon as he had been checked out at the hospital but he never got to go home - so for me overwhelmingly  i had refused what he wanted to do i and i had let him down - in reality though i know now that if i hadnt called the ambulance i would always wonder if they could have saved him and i had made the wrong choice by not doing it - its a no win situation but we learn to accept that we only ever acted out of love and did what we felt was best - we cant see the future and we cant see what the result of the alternative action we could have chosen would have been.

I had to move after my husband died i was really gutted about it but there was no choice.There is no reason why you cant take her stuff even if you pack it to move and dont unpack it until you feel ready too, but then chose some things that are particularly valued  sentimentally for you  and give them a place in your new home,make them the first things you unpack take them on the first trip if youre doing it yourself so it straight away becomes more homely for you.

Thirdly as Sandra says nature is the best healer and walking the dogs will mean you get out into it -my mum died a lot of years ago she had cancer and when she stayed with us we set up bird feeders where she could watch from the window because she loved the birds -in a way it was her last gift to me because she passed that love on to me - After she died my husband moved them and created a corner of the garden which was a kind of memorial garden with the feeders and her favourite plants and a water feature  -and now he has gone too and i dont have the same garden,  but i brought the feeders and the water feature and replanted an area of the new garden with both their favourite plants it is like  my sanctuary, somewhere to grieve but also a reminder of life and how nature renews it self and nothing is ever really lost it takes a different form.
I think even if you get a place with some outdoor space planting something is a good way to remember her and if you havnt got a garden finding somewhere to be thats special like Sandra did with the park, somewhere maybe that has shared memorys or maybe a view she you know she would have loved or a place that was special too her is important.

You will always have your mum in your heart you will hear her voice when you seek her advice because you know in your heart what she  would have said and you will always miss her and sometimes that missing hits you out of no-where - i found myself sobbing completely out of the blue over a christmas carol 10 years after my mum died because i remembered her learning to play it on the piano for her schools nativity -

you are right grief becomes part of us,  but over time it is not so overwhelmingly the whole of us. There is no time limit to when to put her stuff away, and why would you get rid of her dogs, after my husband died the dog was the thing that kept me going because i needed motive to do anything and caring for him was that motive - people sometimes say really silly things and they dont mean to be that way, they just dont get it that our grief is personal what works for one doesnt work for another it isnt something that can be filed and people like to have things filed.
I dont think we ever have to let them go the way people say we do - grief doent have a sell by date but in time we learn that we can carry them with us and those better memorys and better times were for a much greater part of our lives than the last horrible ones so they become bigger too and the bad ones gradually fade and those are the only thing we need to let go of to make room for all those much better ones.
Finally if you marry and have children she is part of their legacy -you can make sure they know her, that they know who she was and how much she would have loved them - and sometimes you will find yourself saying the things she said to you the words slipping out without you thinking about them sometimes it will be words of love or advice and sometimes even those annoying ones that you told yourself you would never say to your kids at the time.

Offline bek-jane

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2019, 12:36:45 PM »
Thank you both, the council have given me a bidding number to apply for a flat, however because I have three dogs I need a garden so Iím quite limited, yet Iím staying hopeful, having a garden will be lovely as my mom adored her plants, ornaments and water features so at least I can take some with me. She would be ashamed at how Iíve let the garden get such a mess. Iím not green fingered at all. Love to see a pretty garden but not a fan of doing the work.
I am entitled to a two bed flat so I will take all moms furniture with me, it was only a few weeks old, she loved her room. She love shopping, so her clothes will be kept well most items will as I can wear them, we dressed pretty similar.

Every Sunday when we went for lunch we did a Sunday selfie for Instagram so I have lots of beautiful photos of us online and Iíve had them printed too.

Iíve got into abit of a rut with the dogs. Not taking them for walks as regular as I should, the old boy is really poorly and I do need to make a decision what Iím going to do as I really think heís suffering. Iím just finding it hard.
My mom was an alcoholic, 12 years sober bless her and well riley (the dog) helped her through it so letting him go will be really hard. I know what I need to do itís just making the call.

I had an ashes ring made and a little part of me feels closer to her. I still have some ashes left and Iím not sure what to do with them, maybe wait to move and put them in a plant maybe. Any ideas?

Offline Sandra61

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2019, 08:49:51 AM »
My sister-in-law kept her mum's ashes for a couple of years but this year, she scattered them on the beach they used to play on every weekend when she was little, as she felt that was where they had happy memories and that her mum would like to be there. It's not a decision you have to rush. Take your time and think about it. I am sure the solution will come to you once you have the move out of the way and have time to sit down and think without being so stressed.

I am sorry your mum's oldest dog is poorly. It is, I think, almost as hard to lose a pet as to lose a person, so I feel for you having to now contemplate what to do about him.

I hope you manage to get a place that suits you. I am no gardener either and nor was mum! We no sooner planted something than it wilted and died! And houseplants fared no better! Hence why I tend to go to the park rather than spend time in my own garden, so I understand your guilt about the state of your own! I am sure she would understand. You have so much to cope with at present. It sounds to me as if you are doing well though, Bek. Try to keep going. Three months is no time at all really, so well done for coping with everything so well up to now. It may feel like an uphill struggle and it is, but you have made some big decisions already and are doing really well.

Sending you strength.  :hearts: :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2019, 01:38:20 PM »
I hope you do find one with a garden and you dont need to be green fingered honestly i didnt know much at all and what i know now is what i have learned along the way - google is your friend in those circumstances.

The older dog could be actually grieving as well, my dog took a long time to stop pining - didnt want to go out of sight of the garden, didnt want to eat much and if i had let him would have just  sat behind the door waiting it was heartbreaking to see but at least we shared that heartbreak.My husband was the one he spent the time with 24/7 where as i was at work all day. so maybe some extra fuss and attention and reassurance  might make a difference too him -  maybe give him a bit longer before thinking about that decision and even then ask the vet about the choices you have that are best for him. :hug:

Offline bek-jane

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2019, 09:12:00 AM »
Just want to thank you both Sandra and Karena for your kind words an support this week, feels like its going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I really appreciate you talking to me, talking helps so much doesn't it, just putting everything down into words rather than bottling it up. this site is really amazing, I lack support from friends as they haven't experienced it, my one friend lost her mom 18 months ago very different circumstances, she is married, large family. I do feel very much alone, yet I do appreciate people have their own lives so having people to chat too here is comforting. thank you very much to both of you :) xx

Offline Karena

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2019, 10:37:54 AM »
we will be here as long as you need us  :hug: -its like a roller coaster journey i,m afraid -but when i came here, this site was so good as you say for getting things down - writing alone helps and responses from others who are oing through it or have been through it keeps you sane when you realise you are not alone or something you are going through isnt because you are going mad. - but also creating new friendships through shared experience not only of grief and loneliness and the good things as well, because often it is  those everyday things that you would have shared with your mum that hit you - the funny thing you saw or that happended at work as well a the bad things - burning the tea your wardrobe falling apart just everyday things.When i first came here i thought the laughing emojie was out of place here but actually its probably the one i have used the most.- its a bit like a safe space i guess - we can be ourselves here.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: 3 months on...
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2019, 06:06:45 PM »
This site really helped me after I lost my dad.  Keep coming back and posting. Sending a hug  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx