Author Topic: How long?  (Read 34 times)

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Offline Janlmb

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How long?
« on: October 09, 2019, 10:19:44 PM »
It is about seven weeks since my husband died.  We had been married for 36 years.  I hoped that I would start to be able to think less about what has happened, but it is the first thing I think about in the morning and it is with me all day and all of the time. Am I expecting too much?  How long will it take for it not to be what is like a shadow with me all the time?  I am trying to get on with life and to try not to keep thinking about it but so far it is not working.  Someone suggested that I should go on a holiday but I don't want to.  I have heard that grief affects each person differently but I want to try to be normal again. When I do things like go to the cinema I find myself thinking of the times when I went with him.  How can I stop living in the past?  Is this normal behaviour or am I being obsessive?

Offline Sandra61

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Re: How long?
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2019, 01:56:48 AM »
No Jan, this is normal. It's great that you are going out and doing normal things, but of course you will be thinking about the times you did those sorts of things with your husband.

It is two years today since I lost my mum and I spent the last few weeks remembering all the stages of those last few weeks of her life spent in illness in hospital and today, the memories of what I was doing and what was happening at each significant hour of that day two years ago were present in my thoughts all day.

My dad died in October too in 1985 and I still remember every detail of that terrible night too when the anniversary comes round. So yes, I would say you are expecting too much. It will never go away, it will just get easier to live with, because in the end, you can't change it, so you have no other choice.

I find I miss my mum or my dad at my side when I am doing things and going to places I used to go with them, but that's how it is and you do think how it used to be when they were still here to do those things with you, and it makes you sad, but you learn to live with that and to smile at those memories in time and to smile at what they might have said in situations you will be in, had they been able to be there too.

So how long? How long is a piece of string as the saying goes? Probably always, but differing in how that feels and how you feel about it at different times. I was sad today, but I'll be smiling at some other memory tomorrow and I will feel better once October is over! Dread builds as it approaches, as I know I will be remembering all the awful times as those anniversaries approach and arrive, but I also know i will focus on other things as I leave them behind for another year and other memories and thoughts will take their place that I will feel differently about.

Ups and downs, Jan. It's that roller-coaster ride taking you up and taking you down, one day to the next. Yes, it's normal and your new normal will never be the same as your old normal again and that in itself, is normal. It's a change to your world and a change in you, so nothing will ever be as it was, but that doesn't mean it has to be bad. We can't change the past, but the future is up to us. We can work on making that better.  :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: How long?
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2019, 01:24:16 PM »
I can really only repeat what sandra has said there just isnt a time frame - but having said that it is very early days for you so please dont give yourself a hard time about that For me at seven weeks in i just wanted to get through what had to be done - go to work, look after the dog, just surviving one day to the next was a struggle enough to deal with  - it isnt in any way abnormal and you are not losing your mind but sometimes it feels like that.
Every step forward is an achievement and sometimes you will take steps back as well and then find the strength to get up off the floor and start again because you know that you can -you already have and you can again.
Its eight years since my husband died i still miss him every day i dont think that will ever change but that doesnt mean i dont have a life that isnt worth living because i do, and in my heart and my head he is still very much a part of it - i still look to hiim knowing what he would have said about something what decision he would have made in a situation how much he would have appreciated something i am looking at and just as when he was alive it doesnt mean i will do what he would have done all the time or come to the same conclusion but that i have in my head that conversation to balance something out and act as a guide.
Many people think "normal" is somehow moving on and forgetting - it isnt a reasonable idea at all because we cant forget them and actually we dont want too

There will be a new normal but it cant be the same as the old one was, part of  grief is the time spent making that transition - a lot of the time we will hate what we think is that new normal and it is important to remember it is a transition it will change again in time into something more peaceful to live with.
Grief isnt something we can leave behind and have a holiday from, but it is something which becomes less overwhelming we experience less acute pain but it is also a pain you learn to live with live with an ache which flares up from time to time.
At some point i decided that not doing the things i loved - the things we both loved was punishing myself twice over -i was still going to be grieving whether i was there or at home so i might as well go there -and at least part of the time i would enjoy it certainly more than sitting in an empty house - but it took a while, you will know when you are ready to go on holiday and when you do want too, work out how.

Offline Janlmb

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Re: How long?
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2019, 08:59:00 PM »
Sandra61 and Karena I am so grateful to you for taking the time to reply to me and reassure me that it is OK to feel as I do.  Although I have experienced the death of my parents and missed them a lot it did not fill every minute of every day, perhaps because I was no longer living with them.  I am sorry that October is such a bad month for you Sandra61.  My husband knew that he was going to die and he had the opportunity to say goodbye to the children and grandson, not everyone gets that.  He asked us to try not to be grief stricken because he had many happy memories of our time together and that we should look after each other.  I am trying but it is hard.  Thank you both for your very kind words, I do appreciate them so much.