Author Topic: How to trust in life again  (Read 473 times)

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Offline jake1996

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How to trust in life again
« on: September 13, 2019, 07:58:58 PM »
Hello all,

Been a while since I've posted on here. I lost my mum when I was 4 - I'm now 23 and finally feel as though I have worked through a lot of my feelings around my mum going, which I'm really happy about...I now feel I'm coming to the end of working through my abandonment grief and have found inside me the deep love I have for her, something that I haven't felt since she died all those years ago, which has made life such an endurance test. I do now feel that I can handle the 'regular' grief that may come once I accept the love I had. However, I feel like I can't totally embrace that love I have for her because life has been so hard for so long and a big part of me is so afraid...so afraid that if I do give in to the love I have, and accept that life can be good and beautiful and fulfilling and everything I know it can be for me, what if it gets taken away again? What if something awful happens? I'm so frustrated because I want to make that step, but am afraid of being traumatised all over again. I'm sure it can't last for long but if anyone has any similar experience or advice I would be very grateful.

Thank you

Jake

Offline Emz2014

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Re: How to trust in life again
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2019, 08:09:44 AM »
Unfortunately there is never any guarantees in life.  But one way I look at it, you can avoid the depth of feelings and have life that is ok but nothing exciting, (and brings its own bad feelings, maybe frustration, loneliness or restlessness) or you can practice being brave - practice feeling and connecting with emotions and experience amazing times. Along with the good times you will capture lovely memories, and those memories can help you through the bad times

The more you practice connecting with life, the more you'll build your confidence and resilience.

Just like sandcastles, they may not last forever and wash back in to the sea, but make our lives so much more interesting and bring joy to us and those around us

If I think about my relationships (partner, family, friends), i know I will be utterly devastated again when I lose someone again, but I am so grateful for the amazing memories and experiences I have gathered so far - I try to make the most of each day, that helps me

Hope this makes some sense!
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: How to trust in life again
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2019, 11:51:56 AM »
It does make sense, because what you are doing is trying to build a wall to protect yourself from hurt in the future -but every grief is different it may not be the same next time because your trauma was built over many years and was the result of that loss at such a young age and not really being able to understand why your mum was there and then not there- so it is a different kind of trauma - that doesnt mean you wouldnt feel a loss in the future badly as Emz says there are no guarantees but you are not four years old now and even though you may experience those feelings of abandonment in the future you will know logically underneath the emotions that it isnt the case.
It is something i have struggled with and in my experience picking up a sledgehammer and knocking the wall down in one go wasnt something i could do but dismantling it brick by brick is possible.

I have been widowed twice and in the village i lived in, there was another lady who had as well, she said "we must have done something wrong in another life to be punished like this" and my response suprised me because what came out of my mouth was not what i had been consciousely thinking which was the same thing -or  that some-how i was a jinx at best and evil at worst, but that perhaps we had done good in that "other life" because we had been rewarded in this one by having these two people who had brought us so much light into this one , or that in this life perhaps the second time we had been somehow chosen to be the best people for them to spend the last years of theirs with, because we had proved we had the care and strength needed for them by the way we responded the first time round, but either way, we had been rewarded by the time with them we were given. - I have no idea where those words came from but i have tried to think that way ever since.